Couldn't decide where to start on this one. I've posted a number of fragments at various scenes, hopefully this is the spot. Any comments welcome on first 13, also looking someone to examine the first chapter.
Grimwood dropped from the space-chopper straight into a puddle, his size twelve boots making a heavy splash. Skulking beneath the vehicles vast undercarriage, very much aware of the twenty odd tonnes of steel and smart polymer hovering precariously above his head, he cursed loudly, a string of expletives lost to the storm. I’m supposed to be on holiday, he thought grimly, as a sidelong torrent of rain and grit lashed his face. Didn’t those b******s know the meaning of the word sabbatical. Captain Kramer lifted away in his chopper, back enroute to his perch in the halo. Minus the downdraft of those heavy retractable rotor blades, the gale force winds abated slightly, but not much. Grimwood stood and scanned the windswept tarmac
[This message has been edited by Jonny Woopants (edited January 16, 2006).]
[This message has been edited by Jonny Woopants (edited January 16, 2006).]
[This message has been edited by Jonny Woopants (edited January 16, 2006).]
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited January 16, 2006).]
posted
Good scene setting, well described with a hook that maybe he shouldn't have been assigned to that job? The only nit (a tiny one) would be describing the chopper - just a tad overblown(no pun intended). As a start it would tell me to turn the page immeadiately Best Wishes John Mc...
Posts: 140 | Registered: Jan 2006
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posted
It was too much work for me to figure out what was going on. Space chopper I got, eventually, but I still don't really understand, since helicopter blades won't work in outer space. He drops -- how far? Did the chopper land?
After I figured that out, I have that Grimwood is supposed to be on holiday -- why? What's his job? Is he on sabbatical, or holiday? Then -- who's this Captain Kramer guy, and why are we in his POV for 2 sentences? Who's Schneider? I want to know as soon as I have opportunity to wonder.
All this is very easily fixed, though.
Nit: Grimwood is unlikely to be thinking about his shoe size.
Truthfully, I take issue with nearly every sentence for trying too hard to squeeze in as much stuff as possible. In other words, consider slowing it down.
There's mention of a sabbatical (question mark needed in that sentence, by the way), and maybe that's where the story should start...? Who called him in? Why? What gives? Starting a story in the middle of intense action works great for movies, less so for written fiction.
I have no idea what a thunderous face looks like. Cool words for anime or some other comic, but.... also possibly a POV issue. Recommend sticking with what the MC can see, which might mean losing the size 12 boots bit (despite that I kinda liked that imagery).
Consider developing the setting more clearly. All I've gathered is that there's a puddle and tarmac. And a chopper. Where is our hero anyway? Bolivia?
Seriously, slow down. Don't cram it all in one paragraph, or even one sentence. If you find yourself writing "as such and such did this" then there's a good chance there's cramming going on. Not always, but usually.
So, yeah, not really engaged. If I knew why and where, I'd probably happily follow. Alternatively, if I had a clearer setting and POV, I'd also likely be hooked. Maybe it comes shortly after, and maybe it doesn't. But I'm standing by my recommendation to slow it down a tad.
Good luck.
[This message has been edited by HSO (edited January 16, 2006).]
posted
The first 13 lines definitely give me the feeling that I'm dealing with an experienced, hard-boiled MC. I immediately understand that he's a professional called in to do a job he's capable of doing, though he'd rather not be there. And I'm interested to know whether his reluctance is related to the nature of this specific task, or if he's just mad about his interrupted holiday plans.
This short section had an awful lot of appositive phrases, little descriptive phrases like this one that modify a noun. For me, the overuse of appositive phrases waters down the otherwise strong descriptive scene you've written. Try using fewer commas and more short sentences with active verbs.
For example: "Skulking beneath the vehicles vast undercarriage, very much aware of the twenty odd tonnes of steel and smart polymer hovering precariously above his head, he cursed loudly, a string of expletives lost to the storm."
Could be made stronger by getting rid of some of the appositive phrases: He skulked beneath the vehicle's vast undercarriage, very much aware of the twenty tonnes of steel and smart polymer hovering precariously above his head. He cursed loudly. The strings of expletives were lost in the howling wind.
Or something like that
I would insert a question mark after the word "sabbatical."
I'm also on a campaign for Strunk & White's "keep related ideas together." A sentence like:
"Grimwood stood and scanned the windswept tarmac for Schneider, his face as thunderous as the weather."
leads me to believe that the man with the thunderous face is Schneider. If you mean that Grimwood has the thunderous face, then it would be more clear to write
"Face as thunderous as the weather, Grimwood stood..."
I really had the impression that I was starting a cyberpunk detective book. I would expect the whole book to be action-packed. Great job!
posted
I advise you to cut as many adverbs and adjectives as you can, and be sure you understand the use of those you keep. For example, the word precarious means to be dependent on uncertain conditions, or to be dangerously insecure or unstable. I don't think the advanced aircraft you imply would be dangerously unstable in weather conditions that are not severe enough to prevent your main character from ventureing out in them.
Otherwise, I do like your opening. I am hooked into wanting to know what happens next, and what your character's mission is.
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