posted
This is the first paragraph of a personal narrative i am writing that is still in the rough draft phase. i am really hoping to get someone to read the whole manuscript. but any critique of these lines are helpfull as well. on word, this is 10 lines.
"Every second and third Friday of pretty much every month, I walk a mile along a bustling highway. Passing Hardees I somewhat reluctantly resist the strong urge to spend what little cash I have left. Besides, even in resisting something, you can occupy your mind on something other than the boring, grey, damp abandoned sidewalk. It’s not that I have something better to do on those day’s that I walk. I do it for more than the satisfaction of beating whatever SUV happens to pass by me at that time to the next intersection. I rarely ever win, but when I do, to my sorrow, my unbeknownst opponent always turns off at that crossroads and speeds off like a bat-out-of-hell, and just like that, I am alone again. I guess that eager teenager had something better to do than occupy a poor college student on his way to the train station."
posted
Like wbriggs, I would say that this is a very slow opening. The choice between a slow or "gripping" opening depends on your audience, the length of the piece, and the point of the narrative.
That said, I did get the impression of the bleakness experienced by the narrator, and I liked the way the bleakness of the setting was reflected in the bleakness of the narrator's state of mind.
I'd like to say a few words about style. The use of the present simple here is employed to talk about regular, repeated events. The reader might be more engaged by hearing about a specific day, a specific event, narrated in the past simple.
Also,
Passing Hardees, (gerund phrase needs to be followed by a comma when using it to open a sentence)
typo: "day’s" is plural, not possessive typo: damp abandoned (you forgot the comma- also look to see if you want to use this long string of adjectives, you might want to pare them down)
Good job setting the character and scene, and best of luck with your revisions.
posted
ok, good feedback, but how can i make this better? It is my first attempt at writing in this genre, i usually write research papers.
Posts: 38 | Registered: Jan 2006
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posted
The key problem with the opening is that you don't move out of the status quo. The story is going to tell us about something interesting that happens to the narrator during one of these walks, right? Well, the next paragraph should tell us what's new. You don't have that.
Let me give you some help, if I may. As a reader, I'm going to expect your second paragraph to begin something like this:
"But on the second Friday of October, the SUV did not turn off. Instead ...."
Or
"But on the third Friday of March, I decided to step into Hardees for a cup of coffee."
If you continue the story with the narrator going into Hardees you'll want to rewrite your opening to set it up a little better.
I hope this helps.
[This message has been edited by Karloff (edited January 19, 2006).]
posted
I agree with what's been said so far. I also want to say that although there was nothing in the content that hooked me, I really enjoyed reading your fragment. Very nice writing.
As for starting with a specific date, a lot of the autobiographies I've read that I've really enjoyed started off with a specific event to set the mood for the rest of the book.
Joe Macinroe (sp?) begins with 9/11.
Patty Duke (if I'm remembering correctly... it's been several years) starts off with the day her name changed from Anna Marie to Patty.
I would recommend looking through various memoirs/autobiographies. See what they use to start their stories, then decide which format you feel works best for your story and apply it.
posted
i would read more for reference, but i don't have the time, the whole paper is due to peer review on tuesday.
Posts: 38 | Registered: Jan 2006
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This is an interesting 13 lines. There were parts that seemed raw, but overall, I did find the introduction to be more interesting than many I have read here. I think the clincher for me was the "boring, gray, damp abandoned sidewalk." With a few words you effectively conveyed a bleak life, and this was very powerful to me.
Now for the "raw" parts. The first sentence could have been much stronger, I think, and really should be stronger. Rather than "Every second and third Friday of pretty much every month..." why not something like "Twice a month" or, stronger, "I hated that sidewalk. I hated the decaying cigarette butts and discarded soda cans strewn along the way. But every other Friday I walked..."
I did not completely understand the interaction with the SUVs - that could be made clearer or stronger.
You hooked me. I would read more. Good first effort!
posted
PMoore, would you be interested in reading the whole thing? it is finished, and if you are interested, i could send you it.
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