posted
Here's one from a thousand flashes ago. It needs major work. I'll be happy with full critiques or just comments on the first 13.
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The Waking
Elaina suppressed a cry and pushed herself off the ground. Blood dripped down her leg from a gash in her knee. The pain was drowned in the cold pricks of terror that were engulfing her.
She gasped for breath and kept running, not daring to look behind her. She could hear it coming, the slow stirring of joints and the cracking of metal-like bone.
Again the image of the beast flashed through her head. Hollow eyes, mouth agape in the eternal scream of the damned. Its flesh the color of cinder, hanging loose on metal bones. A whimper escaped her lips. Her heart pounded in her head.
It wanted her. It needed her.
“Consume you,” it had said. “My little puppet.” It’s voice like the sound of bees swarming.
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Thanks!
[This message has been edited by pixydust (edited January 22, 2006).]
posted
This is a very exciting beginning and it does hook the reader, but I think it could be even more exciting and an even bigger hook if the reader knew a little more about Elaina. It's hard to feel scared for her when the reader doesn't know anything about her except that she's terrified. As a reader, I want to know a little more about the mc before I'm supposed to feel scared for her. Plus, why is it chasing her? That's a detail the reader would want to know up front. Also, I'm not sure what is following her, but it is kind of confusing how you refer to it at first. Later, you call it the beast. I think it would work better if you call it the beast first and then it after. Well, you've done a good job of making it exciting.
Posts: 47 | Registered: Dec 2005
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posted
Very exciting, but I have a few thoughts anyway, but I'm new, so...
If you move the first sentence of the second paragraph to the first, I think it will read better. She gets up, runs, then description of the character. This eliminates confusion as to what she is doing after she gets up. I found myself wondering "is she standing there being terrified or what?" but then found out that she had been running, thus changing my mental image of the scene. Leaving the sentence about hearing it as a standalone paragraph emphasizes it, heightens the emotion.
But one question: if she's running, and it's joints are slowly stirring, shouldn't she be able to outrun it fairly soon and be out of danger, or is it just really tall with very long strides?
Okay, another one: Is her heart really pounding in her head (odd anatomy), or is it pounding so hard she could hear it?
posted
That third sentence could probably be reworked to avoid some unnecessary passive voice. Also, as previously mentioned, the hook here isn't her peril -- true, it's an active beginning, but we don't know her to fear for her life -- but rather, this strange beast that is chasing her and what it is. I'd even go so far as to say your last sentence of this blurb should be your first. It's interesting and it alludes to what we're really interested in -- this creature. Anyway, I'll read if you want.
Posts: 1621 | Registered: Apr 2002
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posted
picky point, third paragraph, second line should read: . . . hanging loose on metal bones.
As related in an earlier post, try to be clearer what is following her before calling it and "it". I figure you are going for the suspense/scare factor but she should have some idea of what "it" looks like, so tell us.
posted
The beast, I mean. 'Cause that would be cool. And it had metal bones. And its voice struck me as being a robot's voice. And there's not enough being written about mad robots these days.
But if it's not a robot, it's probably still a great story.
posted
I think it's good, but I'd change the word "engulfing" and make the sentence "...that engulfed her." It sounds better.
Cheers, Cheryl -------------------------------
The Waking
Elaina suppressed a cry and pushed herself off the ground. Blood dripped down her leg from a gash in her knee. The pain was drowned in the cold pricks of terror that were engulfing her.
She gasped for breath and kept running, not daring to look behind her. She could hear it coming, the slow stirring of joints and the cracking of metal-like bone.
Again the image of the beast flashed through her head. Hollow eyes, mouth agape in the eternal scream of the damned. Its flesh the color of cinder, hanging loose on metal bones. A whimper escaped her lips. Her heart pounded in her head.
It wanted her. It needed her.
“Consume you,” it had said. “My little puppet.” It’s voice like the sound of bees swarming.
posted
Thanks, Clove. There's many things wrong with this one, but it's been fun trying to reinvent it.
Posts: 811 | Registered: Jan 2005
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posted
It's good, but I would probably have withheld the description of the beast. That would have built more suspense for me. Now that I know what it looks like and I think I know what's going on, I probably wouldn't keep reading because at this point I would assume it's probably a monster slurps up the main character type of story. Anyway, I thought the imagery was really good and I'd like to read more. You can email it to me at: foundmylife@earthlink.net if you like.
Posts: 37 | Registered: Jan 2006
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