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Good evening and morning to you all. Here are the first 13 lines. Please let me know if I posted this wrong as it is my first. With hopes- Norma
You might wonder what we are installing, but before I tell you, I must explain why we have to make these installations. It is rather simple. In our world things were not as good as they had been about 150 years ago. Our near perfect civilization had gotten out of control. The youth was growing without education, in all aspects of the word, lack of schooling and manners. The problem worsened when they grew up and began breeding. Their irrationality passed on to the following generations, making today’s society almost unlivable for the remaining decent citizens.
Scientists have been trying to conceive ways of making children new again, pure, without violence. Finally, there was a breakthrough. Though not able to control the spoiled adults, they had found a way to correct the future.
posted
You are beginning the story with an info-dump, and that is an immediate turn-off. You started by tempting me about the installations, which was fine. then came the "But before I tell you what the story is about, I have to tell you some history." You need to catch my interest and work this information into the story later, when I need it.
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posted
Thank you Spaceman. To be honest, this was not my original beginning. I did not think my first had that hooking sensation, perhaps it does and I just do not know it? This part that I moved around, did, in fact come later. After other possible critique, I will post up what was my original and see what we all think is best. Thanks! Norma
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Must admit, I stopped reading before the 2nd paragraph. The information just wasn't going in [to my head] I had too much trouble trying to remember all those facts you gave us. Needs a bit of show vs tell does this.
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I wouldn't agree that info dumps at the beginning are bad, but I *would* agree that we need characters. And a hook.
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You might wonder what we are installing, but before I tell you, I must explain. Our near perfect civilization had gotten out of control. The youth grew up without schooling and manners making today’s society almost unlivable for decent citizens. Then, finally, there was a breakthrough. Though not able to control the spoiled adults, scientists found a way to correct the youth (or, people before puberty or whatever line you draw).
My opinion -- I agree that the lengthy info you have is dragging the story down. I also agree that some info here could work. Just hit the most critical bits of information and get down to the installing and the story.
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Thank you for the info. Everyone seems to have simialar suggestions. Which I imagine is a good thing.
Please, let me know if anyone is interested in seeing my original first 13.
Benskia: IS i tthe concept of the story which does not grab you or is the dump that made you lose interest?
krazykiter: good point, does sound like an outline. Weaving, blending...
wbriggs: funny you mention characters. That is how the original was, but lacking the hook. I need to find my hook.
arriki: If I am correct, you are also suggesting weaving, perhaps, my story into this info dump, or as you put it, lengthy info.
I am going to sit back and let others, if they wish read, though I believe at this point most will agree. I am going to think about the weaving and blending. I do not want to rip it apart, and ruin what I have in mind. Your help in placing out the beginning is greatly appreciated! Thank you.
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Thanks Krazykiter. I have read and understand what I need to do, but doing it is the ultimate challenge, isn't it? Also, if you all do not mind, I am trying to decide if I should leave the story as is: from MC view or change to narrative. It was something that I thought about when I first began, it seemed easier to write from MC's view, but being easier, obviously may be the wrong way to go about it. Norma
Posts: 36 | Registered: Jan 2006
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posted
I really can't say which would be best, as that depends on too many things I don't know about your story.
From what you've written, you seem to want to write it with the main character using a first-person narrative. If there's a reason for it, then stay with that.
We really need a character we can grab onto and a situation with some action that draws us in. The above paragraphs are information that can be revealed as the story goes along.
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arriki: If I am correct, you are also suggesting weaving, perhaps, my story into this info dump, or as you put it, lengthy info.
Not really. I may be a lone voice though and it IS just my opinion.
I think you do have a nice hook about the installing. You could work and improve it. Phrase it to be more of a grabber. I like the little bit of situational information. It is just that I want that situational information to be trimmed down to the bare essentials. I think you need some information about the situation in order to skip a lengthier text showing this situation. Then bring on the story fast.
[This message has been edited by arriki (edited January 24, 2006).]
posted
Thank you benskia for the honesty. There is no need to apologize. Honesty is best, does not lead to false hope. arriki, I am trying to work on a hook - character relationship. The problem I am faced with is getting into the first 13.
There are a handful of books on a given shelf, an ordinary individual walks up to the shelf, reads the titles, perhaps admires the art, then picks up one by one and reads only that very first page. After reading those important lines, he/she will then decide which grabbed them!
That is the goal I need to obtain. Having someone read my lines and say: I can't wait to dive in!
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