Cain, startled, pulled back on the reins of his horse spinning it around searching the fog for the voice’s owner. “Master Maximus?“ he tepidly questioned the gloom.

“Yes, Cain, it’s me. Did you find him?” asked a tall, slender man in flowing white robes emerging out of the mist on a smoky-white mare.

First, the first line. If you have to have the narration, put it first. Or, possibly, stick it between the “Cain” and the “what news.” That narration puts too much time/space between the actual words and Cain’s reaction. In fact, since Cain searches the fog for the voice, you don’t really need that “came a disembodied…” at all, do you?

And…a pet peeve of mine – remember this is just my opinion – why do you need the timidly questioning the gloom? Can’t you word this so that Cain’s timidity is obvious to the reader? Or at least is shorter? “Cain squeaked.” Better yet, drop it entirely and get on with the story action.

And again – my opinion – why don’t you describe Maximus appearing out of the fog as a response, sort of, to Cain’s “Master Maximus?” He appears and then they have a series of responses to each other. I would skip the “yes Cain, it’s me” but that’s just me. You don’t really need it here and Maximus comes on stronger if he just begins with the question, did you find him.

You don’t need to say that Cain repeated the man’s name. Why not go directly to his answer to the question? Put the reader more firmly in the story.

Another real nit -- drop the “continued” and pare down the description a bit so that this reads faster. Cain can peer from beneath the hood of his woolen cloak expecting…. I’d drop the apprehensively and the as if, both. They clutter up your sentence without adding any real information to it.

I'd agree: he doesn't need to tepidly question; he can just ask (see thread on said-bookisms in Open Discussions).

BTW:

I'm very confident "trepidly" is a correct English word. Following is the definiton: trepid--adj : timid by nature or revealing timidity; "timorous little mouse"; "in a timorous tone"; "cast fearful glances at the large dog"

trepidly--adv : in a timorous and trepid manner.

Actually trepid is the root word of intrepid or trepidacious.

That's what I thought when I read your piece, that the pov was lukewarm...not fully involved.

The dialect is really a mixture of Scottish and Adirondack Mountains, NY (where I grew up). Actually, the southern Adirondack Mountains were settled by many people from Scotland and therefore some family names, geographical names, and dialect have survived. I'm not of Scottish descent but my wife is...her family is descended from the Ross Clan in Northeast coast Scotland.

I'm not using as much of the dialect as I could because if I did it really would be much more unreadable to the average person.

Do you think it too confusing, too much or is it ok? I've wondered too whether I should include it.

As others have said, let Cain's actions show his nervousness (which they do very well), don't tell us.