posted
Hi, I've rearranged my opening 13 lines, hopefully making it tighter as many of you suggested. Here goes... ************************** “Cain, what news?” came a disembodied voice out of the heavy mist.
Cain, startled, pulled back on the reins of his horse spinning it around searching the fog for the voice’s owner. “Master Maximus?“ he tepidly questioned the gloom.
“Yes, Cain, it’s me. Did you find him?” asked a tall, slender man in flowing white robes emerging out of the mist on a smoky-white mare.
“Master Maximus,” Cain repeated. “I’m afraid what I’ve to tell you, you ain’t wantin’ to hear.” He continued to peer apprehensively from beneath the brown hood of his woolen cloak as if expecting someone or something else to jump out of the turbid mist.
posted
In some ways, I liked your earlier opening better. This one feels so awkward to me.
First, the first line. If you have to have the narration, put it first. Or, possibly, stick it between the “Cain” and the “what news.” That narration puts too much time/space between the actual words and Cain’s reaction. In fact, since Cain searches the fog for the voice, you don’t really need that “came a disembodied…” at all, do you?
And…a pet peeve of mine – remember this is just my opinion – why do you need the timidly questioning the gloom? Can’t you word this so that Cain’s timidity is obvious to the reader? Or at least is shorter? “Cain squeaked.” Better yet, drop it entirely and get on with the story action.
And again – my opinion – why don’t you describe Maximus appearing out of the fog as a response, sort of, to Cain’s “Master Maximus?” He appears and then they have a series of responses to each other. I would skip the “yes Cain, it’s me” but that’s just me. You don’t really need it here and Maximus comes on stronger if he just begins with the question, did you find him.
You don’t need to say that Cain repeated the man’s name. Why not go directly to his answer to the question? Put the reader more firmly in the story.
Another real nit -- drop the “continued” and pare down the description a bit so that this reads faster. Cain can peer from beneath the hood of his woolen cloak expecting…. I’d drop the apprehensively and the as if, both. They clutter up your sentence without adding any real information to it.
posted
Again, thank you all for your posts. I really appreciate all the help I've been given. I think I'm on somewhat firmer footing and understand at least to some degree how make the story tighter and less bulky with overloaded adjectives.
BTW:
I'm very confident "trepidly" is a correct English word. Following is the definiton: trepid--adj : timid by nature or revealing timidity; "timorous little mouse"; "in a timorous tone"; "cast fearful glances at the large dog"
trepidly--adv : in a timorous and trepid manner.
Actually trepid is the root word of intrepid or trepidacious.
[This message has been edited by myth_weaver (edited January 25, 2006).]
posted
I liked this version better. I preferred "Cain" over "Mr. Cain," although I'm still not sold on Cain's dialect.
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posted
As a bit of explanation about Cain's dialect b/c I've received other comments about it....
The dialect is really a mixture of Scottish and Adirondack Mountains, NY (where I grew up). Actually, the southern Adirondack Mountains were settled by many people from Scotland and therefore some family names, geographical names, and dialect have survived. I'm not of Scottish descent but my wife is...her family is descended from the Ross Clan in Northeast coast Scotland.
I'm not using as much of the dialect as I could because if I did it really would be much more unreadable to the average person.
Do you think it too confusing, too much or is it ok? I've wondered too whether I should include it.
[This message has been edited by myth_weaver (edited January 25, 2006).]
posted
Much improved. Better POV. It reads easier.
As others have said, let Cain's actions show his nervousness (which they do very well), don't tell us.
Unless there's some specific reason Maximus needs to remain hidden, I'd just have him emerge from the mist as he talks. The section where Cain asks if it's Maximus, who then identifies himself and then is again identified by Cain is repetitious and slows the pace.
posted
I found Cain's dialect jarring, but I think it's because Maximus doesn't have it and Cain's first line ("Master Maximus?") is too short to show any dialect. So the dialect surprised me. I'm not sure what you could do about that, except to lengthen Cain's first line so he speaks in dialect right away.
On the other hand, other people don't seem bothered by it, so it might just be me. : )