posted
Hi all! I have been writing this novel now for quite some time, and I've never had anyone really offer any solid critiques. It's a medieval fantasy and currently about 120 pages - though most of it I want to edit HEAVILY before I let it see the light of day. Here are the first 13 lines, tell me what you think and be brutally honest! ---------
Edalene paced impatiently in the anteroom of the Great Hall gently humming an ancient lullaby, struggling to comfort her infant son. His little frame quivered with unease despite his mother’s embrace. Edalene could not decide which was worse, her inability to comfort her son, or the lingering disquiet she was feeling in her own heart. “Hush now,” she whispered, “it will all be over soon.” She continued humming the tune, as much for herself as for the child. Something felt out of place.
The Great Hall’s marble floor resonated with footsteps and the low murmur of greetings and gossip echoed into the anteroom. Edalene pulled back the curtain slightly, trying to see if Carden had arrived yet. The recluse wizard was one of the last. The Fifteen had slowly disappeared over the years, quietly, and
posted
My opinion, mind you – you have a nice opening line buried here.
Something felt out of place – to me, that works better at opening the story. Then you go on to detail the “place” and what might be not right. . Something felt out of place. It was too quiet. (or some such detail or two) In her arms, Edalene’s infant son quivered with unease. “Hush now,” she whispered, “it will all be over soon.” She pulled back the curtain a notch, trying to see if…..
Something more like that would draw me into the story much faster. To me, it seems you are trying to give too much detail that is not interesting as of yet instead of – in this case – beginning the story action. There are loads of other ways to open this, but, from what you have here, it seems this is what you were heading for.
posted
The "something felt out of place" feels, well, out of place.
I'm not sure if you need to move it to the beginning, as Arriki suggested, or maybe just to the first sentence of the next paragraph, or to just before she begins speaking to her son, but it doesn't seem to fit right where it is.
posted
I like it, except that I don't know what's happening. Why is the baby ill at ease, and what is it that will be over soon?
Posts: 2830 | Registered: Dec 2004
| IP: Logged |
posted
The unease you speak of would be stronger if you could have some action happen first that grabs the reader's attention and then talk about the unease. That would make it more gripping for me.
"Something felt out of place." This sentence was in an awkward position and I don't even know if you need it.
"The Fifteen had slowly disappeared over the years, quietly, and"
And now I'm wondering Fifteen what? I'm assuming wizards.
Like I said, I think it would be better if you started with an action that leads to what you have written already.
posted
I like it, but I too have this problem of too many details. I am thinking, in seeing the feedback that an action at the very beginning would be more appropriate and something a little more shocking than just the arrival of a wizard. Why is he coming? I know, I bet it's beyond these lines posted here, isn't it?
Posts: 341 | Registered: Jan 2006
| IP: Logged |
I agree with one of the other critiquers who said "Something was out of place," or some variant of that phrase, would be better placed at the very beginning of your story.
I like the way you have contrasted the protagonist's need for direction and purpose with the disorder of the great hall. This contrast is heightened by the presence of the fragile baby. Wonderful! We understand that something is going to happen that will affect both parent and child, some decision will be made. It is so far tight and interesting. Yes, I would continue reading this one.
I like to have at least a one-page synopsis of the story and the first page for initial critique. If you would like, email to me. Best of luck on your story! You are off to a great start.
Printer-friendly view of this topic
