posted
A Sci Fi Short Story of 12,000 words in 7 chapters. I'ld love people to read all of it and give me some reactions It's essentially "finished" and I've had a few good comments about my writing style from non-sf people...
They stood blinking in the sunlight as the bay door slowly opened and became a ramp leading downwards. The Landing Party looked like four businessmen who had just travelled six floors in a lift, rather than halfway across a galaxy. They stepped out into the sunshine and made for the speeder that was ready to take them to the Local Ministry. It’s doors hissed shut and off they went, almost silently. This was the planet Paxon, and the Inspection Visit was supposed to be merely routine.
posted
I suggest picking a viewpoint character; it's easier to relate to "he" or "she" than to "they."
Posts: 2830 | Registered: Dec 2004
| IP: Logged |
posted
"the bay door slowly opened and became a ramp"
do you really mean to say the door turned into a ramp?
"The Landing Party looked like four businessmen" what do you mean they looked like four businessmen. Are they or aren't they?
They stepped out into the sunshine and made for the speeder that was ready to take them to the Local Ministry. "It’s doors hissed shut and off they went," Was it the doors to the lift that hissed. I lost track of this.
"almost silently." I'm having a hard time imagining how this sounds.
So far I feel no tension or anything that makes me want to read on.
I think the opening would grab me more if you focused on one of these "business men" and their feelings and observations rather than telling me about them as narrator.
Good details are here but you don't have my interest yet.
posted
This is a nitpick but it bothers me, so I'll point it out: "it's" is the contraction of "it is", "its" is possessive.
I'll agree with the others that this feels vague and hard to picture. Where is your viewpoint? Is there one character who is watching this? Or are you going for the camera in the sky approach? Be aware that most readers prefer a viewpoint from inside a character, and staying there. If you are in a character's head, will they really be thinking 'they looked like businessmen'? If it was me I'd be thinking '4 businessmen stepped from the maw of the ship. Or at least they looked like businessmen, but they must have been aliens in disguise.'
Not trying to write your story for you of course, you'll need to find your own words, but first settle the POV issues before even re-writing this.
posted
I’m not so sure that this can’t work as an opening. It needs polishing, though.
My first nit is their blinking in the sunlight AS the door opens. Ummm…I guess it’s already come down some when we peer into this story, but that is making me stop…and think…and assume. I don’t want to have to do that. It makes me worry that the author is going to do that to me all through the story.
I see the bay door. I think rather than “open” it might “drop” forming a ramp.
You are trying to cram a lot into the “four businessmen” sentence. You are trying – aren’t you? – to get around giving the reader details. Specific details. If it is a time and culture where people travel halfway across the galaxy…what does a typical businessman wear? A monocular jumpsuit with embedded tech? Does he have a surgically implanted computer so that his eyes have been replaced with metal? Does a floating ball hover behind him, his additional brainpower and interstellar communicator? You see what I mean?
I would identify the planet at the same time as you mention the local ministry. The Paxon Planetary Commerce Ministry or whatever.
You don’t need the stepping into the sunshine. That doesn’t really add anything to the story.
They boarded the Ministry speeder waiting for them. The driver took one look at the four and cut short his greeting. Wasn’t this supposed to be a routine inspection, he thought as he took the speeder up to cruising alititude.
posted
I agree with much of what the other posters have mentioned. My additional comment is that I'd lose all the capitalization -- you've got the Landing Party, Local Ministry and Inspection Visit. No idea why any of these are capitalized but unless they are all specially designated as such for the story I'd lose the caps.
Posts: 179 | Registered: Oct 2005
| IP: Logged |
Printer-friendly view of this topic
