Sarem walked alone, listening to the sounds of the people around him, going into restaurants, chattering loudly, and enjoying the night. He ran his hands through his flaming red hair and then shoved them into the pockets of his black silk trousers. He narrowed his Nagan eyes and thought about going to take new flesh after the battle with Syra. The pretty girl of about 11 turnings he met dancing in the meadow, picking the flowers that had just begun to grow again over the deadland. She was beautiful and he had marked that witch as his own. He would not take a child; even he was not that vile. Skye. He thought as he took a deep breath and walked up to the cathedral steps to the open door to watch the priests performing mass. The people sat in their seats listening, responding on cue. Sarem laughed to

[This message has been edited by Susannaj4 (edited January 29, 2006).]

[This message has been edited by Susannaj4 (edited January 29, 2006).]

[This message has been edited by Susannaj4 (edited January 29, 2006).]

"He ran his hands through his flaming red hair and then shoved them into the pockets of his black silk trousers." Why did he do this? Was he nervous?

When you talk about him taking new flesh and then mention the girl. I assumed he was going to take her, but then after you say he wouldn't do it. So this is confusing.

The pretty girl of about 11 turnings he met dancing in the meadow, picking the flowers that had just begun to grow again over the deadland." I would probably break this sentence up because as it stands it sounds as if he is picking wildflowers. Try: The pretty girl of about 11 turnings he me dancing in the meadow picking flowers would be the new flesh he would take. I just think there are too many images running together in this section and they are getting muddied by the length.

"Skye." Is this a new person he's thinking about? What is this? Very confusing to me.

"He thought" I would combine this with the previous "Skye."

"The people sat in their seats listening, responding on cue." I think you could take out "listening"

"The very thing they pray for protection from is standing right here in the doorway of their house of worship." I would reword this sentence. Try: The very thing they pray for protection from stands (an active verb) in the doorway to their house of worship. (or something like this)

"He smiled to himself and exhaled before turning into mist." Did he turn into mist or leave?

I would say try shorter sentences and be more concise. This would help strenghthen the good images and opening you have here.

I am going to concentrate here on a comparison of the two fragments you have provided, from Untitled Book 2 and from "The Blood That Binds."

My first impression is that the intro to "The Blood That Binds" is richer. It draws me into the story more than Book 2. I feel that I am standing right next to Zalen. Sarem, on the other hand, seems more distant. I understand that this is the intent - he is watching, rather than participating, as Zalen is. I also see that Sarem is not a complete monster, with his ability to appreciate humanity and beauty. Nevertheless, Sarem seems to be less developed, less interesting than Zalen. Zalen is connected to many things (wind, crops, soil (or actually the "dry and dusty clay"), flesh, a mate), while Sarem seems to have a more focused purpose. He is less "conflicted" than Zalen. If I could buy only one of the two books, and if I had only 13 lines to go on for each book, I would put my money down for "The Blood That Binds."

I have to tell you that I am not familiar with horror, vampirism, and related things. What I did really like about the first 13 lines of Book 2 is that it is portraying Sarem as a being capable of appreciating and staying within boundaries - "not a complete monster," as I said.

All of this is said with the huge caveat that it seems to me next to impossible to draw anything substantive from 13 short lines.

All the best,

Grammatically, the "pretty girl of.." is not a sentence, only a fragment and 11 should be written out.

Sarem walked alone, listening to the sounds of the people around him, going into restaurants. He narrowed his Nagan eyes and took a deep breath as he walked up the cathedral steps to the open door and watched the priests performing mass. The people sat in their seats responding on cue and Sarem laughed to himself. The very thing they pray for protection from stands in the doorway of their house of worship. He exhaled slowly before turning into mist. The fog was rolling in and he blended with it, wafting through the air and around these humans as he looked for a quiet corner to lie in wait for his prey. He found an alley beside the restaurant he had passed earlier and changed form again, leaning up against the brick wall of the building. A young couple came around the corner, looking for a private place among prying eyes

The first sentence confused me a bit because I thought for a second that Sarem was the one going into restaurants. The only other thing that jumped out at me was 'Nagan eyes' which pulled me out of Sarem's POV - to him, wouldn't they just be eyes? (For some reason the sentence reminded me of that scene in Men in Black where Will Smith talks about the how the alien blinked one set of eyelids and then blinked a completely different set of eyelids, but that's just me).

"He ran his hands through his flaming red hair and then shoved them into the pockets of his black silk trousers."

The word flaming is a verb, not an adjective, and cannot be used as an adjective. The line, as stands, indicates that the character's hair is on fire. While the intent is evident, the word usage is still wrong. A lot of inexperienced writers make this mistake. It took some coaching from my writing mentor to cure me of the habit of substituting verbs for adjectives.

Good luck with your writing.