posted
Fantasy story, about 2/3 finished, ~8-10 pages. Does any of this make you want to read the rest of the story, and why? Or why not (the more important question)?
The man they were watching knelt at the side of the creek and rinsed his hands. “That's him,” Aaron said to the woman next to him. “That's the Mad King.” He watched her as she watched the man, without blinking, her yellow scarf trailing behind her in the wind.
The monarch, apparently considering himself cleansed, stood and began flailing his arms around to dry them off. The woman in yellow watched Aaron as he stepped out of the cover of the trees, without thinking, and offered the madman a scrap of blue cloth to dry his hands on. “Grace, and good day to ye,” the madman said, and took the cloth.
[This message has been edited by NathanClark (edited January 31, 2006).]
posted
It's a clear scene, but missing something. I don't know exactly what. Maybe Will's got a point that it's a bit mundane with a madman running loose.
You might play with the idea of getting us into Aaron's head, relating the things he's heard about the madman, or make the madman more threatening to the couple. A bit more initial tension between the couple and the madman might make the offering of the towel more interesting, since we wouldn't be sure exactly how the madman will react.
posted
Something is missing. I think the most interesting hint you have here is "the woman" which implies Adam doesn't know her, but you don't use her enough. The yellow scarf is a detail that gets no explanation, and means nothing to the reader. And Adam has seen the Mad King many times; he doesn't seem to be thinking anything out of the ordinary. Give us a hint of what the woman wants with the King, instead of having the yellow scarf.
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Who is they? Aaron and the women? I would pick one POV to start with that's less confusing.
"He watched her as she watched the man,"
This is very confusing. Is Aaron watching the woman? Why? I thought he was watching the Mad King?
her yellow scarf trailing behind her in the wind. The woman in yellow watched Aaron -
This is a POV shift as well as too much yellow. When you say "a woman in yellow" all I see is yellow.
"as he stepped out of the cover of the trees, without thinking, and offered the madman a scrap of blue cloth to dry his hands on."
Do you mean Aaron offered it to him? Can delete on, don't need.
“Grace, and good day to ye,” the madman said, and took the cloth.
Is it a madman or a Mad King? Makes me think you are talking about two different people, That is confusing.
This needs to be clearer by picking one POV and sticking with it, calling the madman by one term, and make sure you say who is doing what, so there is no confusion.
Then it would work better. I would be interested in knowing more about this Mad King. That is intriguing enough to get me to read, even if nothing dramatic going on.
posted
Thanks for the help! At the beginning of this story I had been going for an almost surreal feel, apparently what I ended up with was a)confusing or b)uninteresting. Looking at it now, I can tell that the rest of the story has gone in a completely different direction--I'm almost done with it now, as soon as I am I'll go back and rework the early sections so that they're not as full of yellow people and hand towels. Thanks again, everyone!
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