posted
These are the first lines of an alternative chapter 1 for Trinity. Two experienced critics told me I had an "info dump," no hook, and no dialog, and that these would kill my novel (prevent publication).
Here is the first try at placing an action sequence with dialog as the intro. The conflict begins on line 17, when Sarah pushes Adam off the bed and shouts at him.
A caution - there is some very mild eroticism here.
Trinity, Chapter 1, first 13 lines:
“Why us, Adam?” Sarah asked in the darkness.
She must have thought I was sleeping. I could hear the sniffing and then the sudden whooshing of the tissue as she pulled it from the box. I opened my eyes. She was sitting propped up against her pillow. Even in the dim pre-dawn light I could see her naked breasts. Her pink nipples were erect.
“They’re not the final authority,” I said, reaching my hand over to her belly. I felt the warmth of her hand, still wet with tears, as she gently covered my hand with hers.
“But they always say the same thing!” Sarah cried now, tears running down her cheeks, falling to her breasts.
posted
I'm not hooked, because I'm hearing a conversation with no idea what they're talking about. Tell us!
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You're hiding so much that the dialog doesn't even make sense. "Why us?" Response: "They're not the final authority" You're showing us a private conversation that we don't understand.
posted
Don't bother using the eroticism as a hook, it's cheap and uncouth; just give us the beginning, plain and simple.
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posted
Step back for a moment. Take a rewrite of the orginal first paragraph and then a lead in into this scene. That will tell what they are talking about. Then you cover a little dialogue, a little explanation, take out the feel of the first one as being a prologue, and give the reader a feel for the situation, the gravity and desperation of the situation and why the next events are so important. People like to fall in love with their characters, feel sorry for them, hate them. You can give them that right here. It will be longer than 13 lines, but the hook doesn't have to come at this point. This is just the point we are allowed to post. Keep that in mind. I know that I should.
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posted
Thanks guys. Your comments were useful, and I have tried to apply what you said.
Here is another try:
Trinity, Chapter 1, first 13 lines:
We would never have a baby.
I think I have been able, in these last difficult four years, to accept this little cruelty of nature. It is not that I do not have high expectations, but I don’t let hopes rule my thoughts. For the most part, I was happy with the way things were now. I was happy. If we could not have a child, I would accept that. We had so much already.
“Why us, Adam?” Sarah whispered in the darkness.
She must have thought I was sleeping. I could hear the sniffing and then the sudden whooshing of the tissue as she pulled it from the box. I opened my eyes. She was sitting propped up against her pillow.
quote:It is not that I do not have high expectations, but I don’t let hopes rule my thoughts.
That but seems the wrong conjunction...
But just for the record, the rewrite is much better (and enlightening). The original didn't hook me. This doesn't either, but it's better... If you add that element of the untold- that "They’re not the final authority" bit... maybe. Keep at it. If you improve this much every time you rewrite, soon you'll have a great story. I don't know the status of the rest of the story, but I do know that stories can be improved upon.
BTW- I agree with the bit about the tackiness of the eroticism.
Toodles- Fahrion Kryptov
[This message has been edited by Fahrion Kryptov (edited February 02, 2006).]
posted
Maybe I'm slightly off my nut, I am female and secure enough in myself to say this, breasts can be erotic and can give you the impression that a girl is aroused, but in this case, I do not see the erotic factor just about the mention of them here.
"I opened my eyes. She was sitting propped up against her pillow."
That could be turned into one sentence. Seems disjointed. Or Maybe
Before I opened my eyes,I heard her sniffing and then the sudden whooshing of the tissue as she pulled it from the box. She sat propped up against her pillow and ...
I absolutely agree with you! But I know there are some who may feel that even the mention of a word (breast, in this case) is tantamount to erotic expression. So, I had to put the *caution* in the header. Nevertheless, I was grateful also for the comments of those who saw the reference as being crass. As you know, this was something I worried about even before I started the re-write of Ch. 1. I may just go back to the original! But as I re-work the intro, I am thinking more and more of how to remain true to my original thought, and it doesn't involve sex in the opening. Although it does include a certain contemplation of symmetries and beauty. The breast is beautiful, even when it is not sexual.
It is interesting, and the feedback has been extremely useful.
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