posted
“Rariri…” the girl gasped. Flames were already licking the upper half of her body, and she was using the last of her energy just saying the name of the mysteriously cloaked boy. Rariri knelt down beside the girl’s head and felt her wet skin with his three fingers. He looked as though he was in a state of meditation, uttering a short prayer over her body. The noise was barely audible over the workings of a forge below the fire-covered cliff. “I’m so sorry…I didn’t arrive in time,” Rariri muttered, ashamed. “Arnya. Rest in peace, my beloved sister.” Moments later, the flames engulfed the rest of the girl’s body. Rariri lay himself over the flame, as if the pain of her death was something he could not handle.
Posts: 168 | Registered: Dec 2005
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posted
I liked the opening line as we jump right into a dire situation. The last line, however, puzzles me. Is Rariri actually jumping into the flame? Does it go on that this doesn't kill him? Also, the last line is somewhat awkward:
Rariri lay himself over the flame, as if the pain of her death was something he could not handle.
as if? could not handle? That seems to weaken the sentence. Sort of, kind of.. it's not a very strong statement of his grief.
I liked this until the last couple of lines. Rariri has just lost his sister, and it is clear that they were close. The shock of this must be overwhelming to him, and it begs to be explored. The only thing that would be able to interrupt his pain and sorrow is some need for immediate action, and I mean *immediate.* What is needed, IMO, is a more complete exploration of Rariri's grief, coupled with elements that provide context for what just happened.
posted
The opening is gripping...and very disturbing. You have my attention.
I did have a problem with "mysteriously cloaked boy". If he is her brother, his garb would not be mysterious to her. Maybe, "the boy in the strange cloak" or just "the cloaked boy".
I think your last sentence lacks the impact you intended. "...as if he could not handle" is unconvincing. Why is he laying his body over the flames? Is he trying to join her in death? To experience her pain? Or is he collapsing in grief from her passing? What is he feeling?
posted
I like it, but two things get my attention. First, "the mysteriously cloaked boy." Why is he mysteriously cloaked, or what makes it mysterious that he is cloaked? Rather than just say it, maybe show something, or explain why someone shouldn't be wearing a cloak here (after all, cloaks are fairly ordinary).
The second, is that Arnya is apparently burning in the flames, yet Rariri appears to not be. He kneels next to her, and lays himself over the flame. This suggests the same kind of people react differently to fire. I can guess that the cloak may protect him against fire, but I shouldn't have to guess.
posted
So why couldn't he protect any part of her if he was cloaked? Is this like a flashback and he was there but not in the right time?
Posts: 341 | Registered: Jan 2006
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Plausibility issue: I don't think someone being burned to death would use the last of her energy to say a name; if she's not screaming, the not screaming would take all her energy. ...and her skin wouldn't be wet. It might slough off. Burning does terrible things to skin.
POV. I can't tell whose POV we're in. It can't be hers, because she wouldn't perceive what happens in the last line. It can't be his, because he thinks of her as "the girl" to begin with; he "looked as though he was in a state of meditation" (to whom?); and he does something "as if the pain of her death were something he could not handle" (he would know whether that was what he was thinking).
Other problem: I can't tell what's going on. Why is she being killed? Why is he letting this happen? What's going on?
posted
I agree with Will: The scene is WAY too sedate for someone being burned alive, at least not without something that explicitly explains why the victim isn't screaming horrifically.
Second, someone on fire has *wet* skin? Maybe there's some physics or biology going on of which I am not aware, but even so, this sounds totally illogical.
Third, if Rariri couldn't handle his sister's death, show us.
But it is a gripping idea for an opening. Give it some real oomph, and it might make a good hook.
posted
The "wet" is sweat. People sweat when they're overheated, which you would be if you were burning.
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posted
Would there actually be sweat on her skin or would the heat from the fire evaporate it faster than it could appear? I think it might take a bit of research to find out more information.
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posted
All I have to ask is, if she was on fire, why wasn't he? Were other things on fire? Was she just dying, or was she really on fire? These things confuzed me slightly. Other than that, it was great. ; )
Posts: 37 | Registered: Mar 2006
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posted
First, with some massaging of the storyline I would probably read further but right now, I wouldn't.
** Graphic content warning **
Have you ever seen a "crispy critter," the morgue's term for a victim of fire? There is a reason they have that nickname. She would not be sweating. The sweat dries from the heat as the sweat glands dry out and then burn off. Skin does really evil things when exposed to fire.
*** Now returning to our less graphic version . . .**
The lack of reality in the burning death was a nonstarter for me. If fire, death by fire and pain doesn't work the way it does here, I need to know that so I can suspend my disbelief and get into the story. Otherwise, I would put the story down because some fundamental research did not occur, which indicates that the rest of the story will have major problems.
Why is his cloak "mysterious?" If it was meant to apply to him, the adverb is in the wrong place. He's not mysterious to his sister who recognizes him instantly. So, to whom is he mysterious? You need to establish a POV.
I don't know or have any particular feelings towards the person who is probably your MC. You've given him something that can make him very sympathetic but you don't build the connection (and can't completely in 13 lines) between the reader and the MC.
You may also be starting the story too late. I sense a lot of back history to explain why the sister was just burned to death and why he wasn't there to save her. If this is a flashback, tell me that sooner. Or it may be that you can't get through the death in just 13 lines, which would be fine.
posted
Okay...thanks for the advice everyone (although this topic is really old). I think it'll make more sense if I move the beginning to the end, so I will. Posts: 168 | Registered: Dec 2005
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I think it'll make more sense if I move the beginning to the end, so I will. 
