posted
Will be sci-fi. Any and all feedback welcome, please do not use re-written sections of my work to communicate your points. Being writers, I'm sure you can communicate it in other ways. It is VERY much appreciated. - zephyr
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The panel was slightly bent up at the corner and there was a sliver of light coming from inside. Anon glanced back and forth along the corridor to make sure no one was around and then stepped closer to the opening. He had to stand on his toes to peer through the breach, but even then he could not make out anything discernable. He noticed a smell. No, it was the air itself. It was light, crisp. Anon took a deeper breath. It was invigorating, he could taste its cleanliness, feel it in his lungs. What was causing this? Was this necessarily a good thing? Anon had never breathed air like this. Was this some kind of gas? Surely not. Was the euphoria some kind of side effect? No, this felt right, good. He reached up and pulled at the top of the panel. It let out a squeak as it peeled a little further back.
[This message has been edited by zephyr (edited February 06, 2006).]
posted
Aron knows where he is and why he's looking around. Tell us! As it is, you have actions, but not significance, because we don't know why he cares.
Posts: 2830 | Registered: Dec 2004
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posted
Will this be a short story? If so, then you've got to move in fast with information. If a novel, you have a little more leisure to build your background.
This seemed kind of in between. Not enough for a short, but too quick for a longer work. Sorry. Not sure if that's clear.
posted
I think it goes on a bit much about the 'air' and I'm much more concerned with why he's even doing this than what the 'air' seems like. When he looks up and down the corridor, it implies to me that maybe it's not something he should be doing, but it doesn't really tell me why he's even doing it. The action's fine, but a description into the character's movtives for looking and for peeling back the pannel might help.
Posts: 62 | Registered: Jan 2006
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posted
The POV is established well enough, that's good.
Other than a brief mention of a corridor, which could be anywhere, there is no setting. There is a panel, but who knows what it's for? We also don't know what or why Anon is skulking around peering inside a breach within a corridor.
We should know at least the above things before too long, so consider gently working them in. Good luck.
posted
I'm curious--why do you ask people not to quote your writing in their critiques? Seems like telling a doctor, "Please diagnose me, but do not refer to any parts of my anatomy." If you don't mind sharing, what motivates that request?
As to your piece, I concur with wbriggs. I feel like information is being hidden. I also feel like the POV is stuck at a strange halfway point. The POV character knows things about clean air that the POV characters experience suggests that he doesn't know--if that makes sense.
Also, "its," not "it's" should be used for the possessive.
To all: I will try and gracefully work in more info on setting and motives. I admit this was a first draft and kind of rushed to get the idea out.
For rickfisher: At first it was a kind of placeholder name, but the more I wrote, the more it kind of just sounded right to me... I dunno though, I may end up changing it.
For J: I just don't like when people re-write parts of other's works. I dunno. Kind of a peeve. Maybe I feel like it takes away from the authors own creativity by handing them an example sentence that they can just “plug in” to their story?? I dunno, it just bugs me.
posted
Gotcha. I misunderstood what you meant. I thought you were asking people not to quote the sections that they thought needed improvement. You were asking something totally different--I understand now.
Posts: 683 | Registered: Oct 2004
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posted
The one thing I think is very important after reading this very short piece is that it already has me wondering what is going to happen next. However, the writing seems a little rushed, and kind of choppy - with too many questions and answers creating a sort of stop and go feeling. Work on the flow of your writing and try to let it come more naturally. The POV, as said before, is a little cloudy. Overall, I definitely see some potential for an engaging story.
Posts: 2 | Registered: Feb 2006
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