posted
This is alternate history/science fiction. It's a novel-in-progress, and I'm interested in reactions to this opening, but also in volunteers for the first couple of chapters (3700 words) or if you can't manage that, the first one (1600 words). I want to know if the main difference between that world and ours (which does NOT show up in the first thirteen lines) is made sufficiently clear, with potentially confusing issues presented in the best order, etc. (Really, the first chapter has it all, but the second chapter is ready, too, so....)
quote:It was in the fourth week of Spring, 1898, less than a half-month after the concluding episode of H.G. Wells’s The War of the Worlds appeared in Pearson’s magazine, that astronomers first noticed the lights on the Moon.
Albert Grantham learned of the news from his seven-year-old daughter, Katie. He had barely put the key in the lock of his Eastside townhouse when he heard the patter of her feet, running to meet him. He opened the door, and she shouted, “They say there are men on the Moon, Papa.”
“Whoa!” he laughed, and tossed her once in the air. “Slow down. Who says?” He often thought Katharine a very excitable little girl. Sometimes he wondered if she was quite right. But she was smart as a whip, he knew that.
[This message has been edited by rickfisher (edited February 06, 2006).]
posted
I like it, seperately. It's almost as if the first few lines don't go with the rest. It ties in, but not clearly. Almost as if you are telling the story from no one's POV and then you abruptly change to Albert.
posted
Very interesting. Personally I liked the mention of 'War of the Worlds' -- and it feels like it's going to pay off. The only thing I wonder about is the speech. "Woah, slow down" feels a little modern...
Although actually I have no idea if it belongs in that time period or not.
But this -- this has a hook. I'd definitely keep reading.
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Why would "Whoa, slow down." be anachronistic in 1898? People still used horses a lot in those days. Posts: 603 | Registered: Jul 2005
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posted
Sounds interesting. I should warn you though that Blue Moon will probably have to be changed as a title. There are three books listed on Amazon with that exact title, and several more that are only slightly different. Not trying to burst your bubble, just pointing it out. Though if you want to continue using it as a working title that's probably okay. The marketing department of whatever publisher will most likely change it then. Obviously assuming this gets published, but hey, we all have to hope for that.
Posts: 818 | Registered: Aug 2004
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quote:Why would "Whoa, slow down." be anachronistic in 1898?
Yeah, I wasn't sure. It just sounded odd -- but if it belongs in that time period I'm wrong. And it should be kept; I'm not an expert on colloquialisms.
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Autumn, it's a working title, no problem. (Although if there are already three, why not one more, eh? Maybe it's a hot-selling title no matter what the book's about. )
Jessica, I sent it.
Susanna, thanks for the comments. (That was fast!)
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I'll read. I certainly owe you after all the work you did calculating my moon charts! Send it to buce@charter.net... it's a new email address over the one you had before.
Posts: 2026 | Registered: Mar 2005
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posted
I like the opening. It caught my interest right away. The only thing I stumbled over was the term "half-month". Do you think "fifteen days" would flow better?
Posts: 28 | Registered: Feb 2006
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Kolona, it's interesting you should mention "It was" and "that." In fact, I'd considered cutting those myself (I hate starting with "it was," or even using it, to be honest), but when I did, my daughter, reading over my shoulder, said it sounded better the other way. And I have to admit that in some ways I agree with her. In others I don't. So I could go either way. But if anyone else wants to weigh in with opinions, I'd be glad to hear them.
And I can always use more intelligent commentary. I'll send it to you pronto.
Aspirations, good for you. You're the first person to mention that. Both "half-month" and the capitalization of "Spring" were deliberate, and make a bit more sense after having finished the first chapter (or at least I think they do). I don't want people to stumble, but if it's only a tiny stumble it might be worth it. I can't say fifteen days because . . . well . . . it isn't. I don't want to explain it here because it's involved with my original question of how this alternate historical world differs from our own. Again, I would love to hear other opinions on this. I figure people can either go: "Hmm...does that mean something?" and keep their eyes open, so to speak, in which case it's good. Or they can go: "Odd turn of phrase. And doesn't this guy know that the seasons aren't capitalized?" and throw the book away, in which case it's very bad. Or, most likely, they just won't notice it.
So, what do the rest of you think? I suspect "Hardly anyone will notice" will win, in which case I'll leave it. But I welcome any and all opinions.
PS: I hope it's clear that the above is a form of asking for clarification rather than arguing with the critique. I don't want to get tarred with THAT brush.
Aha! So the "half-month" was a deliberate phrase. Definitely leave it in then. It's what I call a "ponder point" -- an unusual turn of word to cue the reader there is something out of the ordinary going on. It that case, nicely done.
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I didn't mention it in my crit, but 'half-month' didn't bother me. In fact, I think it immediately clued me in that something was different, though in a very nuanced way. 'Fifteen days' seems more in the here and now than 'half-month.' Since this is an alternate reality, 'half-month' might be the better choice -- particularly in view of the full context.
I stand by getting rid of 'it was' and 'that.'
[This message has been edited by Kolona (edited February 12, 2006).]
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I think its punch - I love WoTW so any mention of that and I am hooked.
I like the intro as well - the way you "tease" (?) with the mention of the lights on the moon and then skip to the opening scene with the dad opening the door - sneakily and well done, I think.
Could I be presumptious and ask for more? My email addy is linked.
posted
I actually like the second paragraph as an opening rather than the first. I like the idea of innocence announcing the profound. Maybe more description than you have. It's all names and places. Eastside house, for example. Stretch that paragraph - it's interesting. Tell me about the man, his house, and his daughter by way of their conversation and your description.
Posts: 76 | Registered: Feb 2006
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