**Need to mention the following for individual who might be interested in reading: there might be some touchy parts as one character is quite chauvinistic and expresses himself poorly. In the later chapters his personality gets much worse.

Here it is:

Frances was rapping his fingers on his desk waiting to hear the blissful sound of the dial tone return. I plugged him into our receiver and switched it on, as I turned to see his face, I could not help but smile, not at what was beginning to happen, but to prove to Mikale that I could perform the installations without his assistance.
He had an expression of joy all over his face. He finally spoke, but in a sluggish tone, “it iss wworkkinggg… da phoon, iss woorkkingg perrfecly…”
After 10 minutes of listening, he began to fade, as if turning into a haze. Within twenty-five minutes, the installation of Frances Simon was complete; he was ready for the next phase. I packed up the equipment that Mikale

Word count of first 2ch. is just over 8000
Thank you.

This is going to be nit-picky, I'm afraid. Overall, I might be able to get into this if I had a little more detail. Not info dumps, of course, but a few select details to clue me in a bit more about what's going on, that would help me care about the characters.

I believe 'Frances' is the female version of the name, and 'Francis' is the male version. Someone correct me if I'm wrong.

Some tightening would be helpful. 'Was rapping' could be 'rapped,''could not help but smile' could be 'smiled,' 'was beginning to happen' could be 'was happening' or 'happened.' 'The second sentence is a run-on; maybe a period after 'on.' The latter part of that sentence has a structural inconsistency: 'I smiled...to prove to Mikale that I could perform....' I think you mean the character smiled because she was proving she could perform.

Who is the 'he' with the expression -- Frances or Mikale? Do sounds fade into a 'haze,' or is 'haze' more a visual thing? If there is a video component here, I think we need to know.

Why is a dial tone 'blissful?'

The hook here is 'Within twenty-five minutes, the installation of Frances Simon was complete,' IMHO, and it's a good one.

I need someone to give me info about what an info dump is, or if easier to explain what it is not. The first 13 I posted was mentioned as such, so, I thought that I understood. Unfortunately, I must not understand too well what it is, so any words of wisdom, please send it this way.

Does this line read better: '...but at the thought of proving to Mikale that I could perform...'?

All of your suggestions are well taken, I will look into them today!

Is the hook coming too late in the beginning?

Thank you.
Honesty is best

Norma

OK, to move the Hook up a notch- will see what I can do to get that in with the proper POV, 'I'. Now, I got a bit confused. Perhaps since I wrote it I know what is going on. Francis was human and he did have fingers- his desk is still there. I did not intend to trick, as you guessed.
I will shift to the proper POV, with the hook moved up there and add more detail to poor Frank's vanishing.

Info-dumping is relaying chunks of information while the story comes to a stop. To keep the story moving, dispense small bits of information within the action, dialogue and thoughts of the characters. Especially in the beginning. Once you’ve gained the reader’s trust and attention, you can get away with some exposition as it becomes necessary. And if a character speaks of whatever it is that must be explained, there must be a good reason for that character to be speaking of it. For instance, it would be rather silly for me to explain to you what a book is. We both know.

I hadn’t been privy to your original post, so I checked it out. Here are the two versions:

quote:

---

You might wonder what we are installing, but before I tell you, I must explain why we have to make these installations. It is rather simple. In our world things were not as good as they had been about 150 years ago. Our near perfect civilization had gotten out of control. The youth was growing without education, in all aspects of the word, lack of schooling and manners. The problem worsened when they grew up and began breeding. Their irrationality passed on to the following generations, making today’s society almost unlivable for the remaining decent citizens. Scientists have been trying to conceive ways of

---

quote:

---

Frances was rapping his fingers on his desk waiting to hear the blissful sound of the dial tone return. I plugged him into our receiver and switched it on, as I turned to see his face, I could not help but smile, not at what was beginning to happen, but to prove to Mikale that I could perform the installations without his assistance.
He had an expression of joy all over his face. He finally spoke, but in a sluggish tone, “it iss wworkkinggg… da phoon, iss woorkkingg perrfecly…”
After 10 minutes of listening, he began to fade, as if turning into a haze. Within twenty-five minutes, the installation of Frances Simon was complete; he was ready for the next phase. I packed up the equipment that Mikale

---

The first is info-dumpish, while the second needs more info. You need to mesh the styles of the two (the styles, not necessarily all the info). I have no idea what the relationships are among your characters, but here’s an admittedly imperfect example of what I mean:

Francis Simon, the latest installation subject, looked worried.
“Francis, you know why we have to make these installations,” Norma said as she plugged him into the installation receiver and turned it on.
Frances rapped his fingers on his desk, waiting, Norma knew, to hear the dial tone that would signal success.
“It is rather simple,” Norma said, manipulating the controls of the unwieldly machine with an efficiency she knew would impress Mikale Hologrow, her mentor and nemesis. Mikale had only reluctantly left her to install Francis by herself, as usual afraid the student would surpass the teacher. “In the last 150 years, our civilization has gone out of control, Francis. Our uneducated youth, with their vile manners and rampant breeding, are making today’s society unlivable for decent citizens.” She watched as the worried expression on Francis’ face went blank, then slowly turned joyous as she keyed the installer to its full amplitude. She smiled. She really didn’t need Mikale. “We can make you children new again," she whispered, "pure, without violence. We found a way to correct the future of our world.”
Francis finally spoke, but in a sluggish tone, “it iss wworkkinggg… da phoon, iss woorkkingg perrfecly…” His whole body seemed focused on listening to the tones in the receiver. Ten minutes later, he began to fade, becoming hazy. Twenty-five minutes later, the installation of Frances Simon was complete. He was ready for the next phase.
Norma packed up the equipment that Mikale....

You don't even have to explain as much as I have here, if the scene doesn't warrant it, but relay character relationships, give concrete hints at some overall problem -- basically paint a scene in 3D. Give the reader some story depth to keep him reading.

Yes, “but at the thought of proving to Mikale that I could perform...” is better.

Francis Simon, our fifth target, led us down the hall to his office where his troubled phone awaited repair. Unknowingly, Mr. Simon was going to be today’s installation, the next human to ensure our world’s purity.

My Commanding Officer, Mikale Abhornant, who is also my older brother, could not resist the urge to insult the tall pallid man, “Hey man, just by looking at the phone I can tell where your problem is! Did you ever think about spending a few bucks to buy a new one?”

Francis did not take Mikale’s words lightly; he became disgusted. It was my turn to show Mikale I could handle installing Mr. Simon, though it was against my principles. I threw Mikale a hint that it was time for him to back down,

Thank you for reading my lines

Regarding using the names in stories, then, would mean that if you deviate from the norm, be sure to explain it at once, otherwise the reader will probably make an assumption about the gender of your character that may be wrong.

Your revised version, Norma, was definitely better. Compared to the two previous versions, it's far more engaging. In my usual opinionated way, however, let me make some comments, and please feel free to disregard any or all of them.

Francis Simon, our fifth target, led us down the hall to his office where his troubled phone awaited repair.

'down the hall' is unnecessary, unless there is something significant about the hall; ditto 'troubled,' since if the phone needs repair, it's obviously troubled; also, 'troubled' seems an emotional word for a faulty phone.
I’d suggest adding something here about Francis, to enable the reader to empathize with him and/or see the problem with him – all kinds of possibilities for this, from the way he dresses, the way he walks, talks, the sort of place he works at. That way, the next sentence, which seems to be the hook now, can have some emotional impact. But be sure to phrase the description from the MC’s POV.

'Unknowingly, Mr. Simon' was going to be today’s installation, the next human to ensure our world’s purity.

'Unknowingly, Mr. Simon' is unclear as to who is unknowing, Mr. Simon alone, or the MC, too. 'Unbeknownst to Mr. Simon, he was to be' or something would be clearer; 'going' is unnecessary.

My Commanding Officer, Mikale Abhornant, who is also my older brother,

Ordinarily I’d say name the pronouns in the first paragraph, since starting with unnamed characters prevents the reader from identifying with or against them, but with this story in first person, you can get away with it for a bit. I also like this introduction of Mikale, which wouldn’t have worked as well above.

could not resist the urge to insult the tall pallid man,

Good, some details

“Hey man, just by looking at the phone I can tell where your problem is! Did you ever think about spending a few bucks to buy a new one?”

The phraseology here is problematic. As I understand it, they’re trying to wash the unwashed masses, to correct the unmannerly and disorderly among them. That fact, coupled with Mikale’s title, suggests a better breeding in Mikale, so his speech, even if its content is cruel, should reflect a higher class or breeding.

Francis did not take Mikale’s words lightly; he became disgusted.

This is telling. Show us.

It was my turn to show Mikale I could handle installing Mr. Simon,

What does this mean, her/his turn? Was this to be her/his project, or is she/he reacting to Mikale’s treatment of Francis?

though it was against my principles

Extrapolate a little here. This sounds like it might be important..

I threw Mikale a hint that it was time for him to back down,

How did she do this?

Frances Simon, our fifth target, answered the door. He was a tall and bulky man, and still clothed in his night attire, blue plaid flannel pajamas, “Good morning! You are from the phone company, right?”
We nodded our head in agreement. With haste, Mr. Simon led us to his office where his phone awaited repair. Frances was unaware that he was going to be our installation, the next human to ensure our world’s purity.
My Commanding Officer, Mikale Abhornant, who is also my older brother, is one of the most ill mannered individuals I know. If it were not for our father, he would not hold the rank he has. Mikale could not resist the urge to insult the tall pallid man, “Hey man, just by looking at the phone I

Try to work the details into the story more. This -- “ is one of the most ill mannered individuals I know. If it were not for our father, he would not hold the rank he has” – sticks out a bit and seems more like an aside.

In the sentence, ‘We nodded our head in agreement,’ pluralize ‘head,’ unless they’re sharing one head. )

Having written all that, let me echo Mary Robinette’s advice elsewhere on this site. Don’t get overly hung up on your beginning. Get it written and get past it. You can tweak it into perfection later. There is a danger of spinning your wheels and driving yourself nuts and/or discouraging yourself, and I certainly don’t want to be a party to that. (I do that enough to myself. )

I fear that is what I have been doing- getting hung up on the beginning..
I have been feeling that I have lost a bit of myself with the emphasis there.