posted
The sun was beginning to set as Steve Mcgivins laced up his tennis shoe in preparation for his evening walk. Steve smiled to himself as he stepped off of the porch, breathed in the fresh May air,and began making his way to the end of the street where asphalt ends and nature begins. Steve picked up his pace on the trail to a fast walk, hoping to watch the sun setting from lookout point. The point was getting closer with each step, and was now close enough for him to see a man and woman standing in the grass. As Steve walked within a few feet of the couple he heard the man say,"Jump". Shock and amazment registered on Steve's face as he watched the woman leap, without hesitation, to the rocks 150 feet below.
[This message has been edited by Aldous Huxley (edited February 10, 2006).]
[This message has been edited by Aldous Huxley (edited February 10, 2006).]
posted
Your story, at least to me, actually starts with the last two sentences. These two sentences have a sense of immediacy as well as arousing the curiosity of the reader. The details of location, time, etc. can be worked in along the situation as it moves forward.
Also, where you write that "Shock and amazement registered on Steve's face..." I think "registered" is a bit weak here, why not simply "Steve winced when he saw the woman leap..."
Posts: 409 | Registered: Feb 2006
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posted
Well, this gets right to the Point (pun intended -- should 'lookout point' be capitalized? Maybe.). Okay, the first thing I'd like to point out is that out of six sentences, four use "as." I noticed this right away, actually, and if I'm focused on sentence construction, I'm not focusing on your story. You might consider rephrasing a few sentences to avoid the repetitive constructions.
A few other things stood out for me, as well:
quote:The sun was beginning to set as Steve Mcgivins laced up his tennis shoe in preparation for his evening walk.
Is Steve wearing only one tennis shoe?
quote:Steve smiled to himself as he stepped off of the porch, breathed in the fresh May air,and began making his way to the end of the street where asphalt ends and nature begins.
First, 'smiled to himself' feels off. I don't think it's necessarily wrong, for I see what the intent is, but also I don't think it adds much as written. If he's looking forward to this walk, then consider briefly developing that -- motivations, whatever. Second, the end of this sentence also feels off for a variety of reasons, which would take too long to explain, perhaps.
quote:The point was getting closer with each step, and was now close enough for him to see a man and woman standing in the grass. As Steve walked within a few feet of the couple he heard the man say,"Jump".
What does this couple look like? What are they wearing? Before the woman jumps, you might consider spending a short time painting the appropriate picture of the couple, since they seem to be rather important. In other words, don't rush it. It is possible, however, to develop the jump immediately and still describe the couple. Give it a little thought.
quote:Shock and amazment registered on Steve's face as he watched the woman leap, without hesitation, to the rocks 150 feet below.
Since the story is clearly in Steve's POV, the part in bold above is considered a POV violation. Steve can't see his own face, right? Consider telling us precisely what Steve feels rather than what his face looks like. Still, with a little adjustment, the face bit might be kept if Steve considers what his face must look like to potential passers-by (or the couple).
Anyway, a man telling a woman to jump off a cliff followed by her actually doing as ordered is an interesting setup. I'm curious about it, certainly. Good luck with this.
quote:Shock and amazment registered on Steve's face as he watched the woman leap, without hesitation, to the rocks 150 feet below.
Who was seeing Steve's face, to notice what expression was on it? I think you're picturing it in your mind, and so you're thinking cinematically. But the POV character is Steve, who can't see his own face. How about: Steve felt shocked and amazed as ...
Posts: 2830 | Registered: Dec 2004
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With the exception of his face registering shock and amazement, I like all of this. Smooth, clear, and it would definitely make me want to turn the page.
Posts: 336 | Registered: Jan 2006
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posted
You seem to be pushing a little to get to the "hook". Just for that, I would suggest that you start with Steve at the trail head rather than wasting lines getting his shoes tied. That will also give you time to describe the setting a little better before having the woman jump off a cliff that was barely suggested previously.
Posts: 8322 | Registered: Aug 1999
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