posted
Fantasy, 6600 words, and I'm looking for readers of the whole thing.
October, 1990. Pete and Suzy give birth to a boy. They're excited for this new addition in the “family.” That's what Suzy hopes they will be; maybe with a son, Pete will ask her to marry him, and they'll live happily ever after with their child.
Suzy has been in labor for nine hours, and she's sweat until there's nothing left in her to sweat. Then the pain is gone, and she hears the baby cry. Pete is ecstatic, and Suzy knows they're going to be wedded soon. What could stop it from happening?
She's resting now, and Pete's beside her. The nurse bring in the boy, but instead of jubilant, the nurse is disgusted. “What's wrong?” Suzy asks.
Show us the birth. Show us Pete and Suzy's excitement. Show us Pete's ecstasy at whatever he is ecstatic about (is it the birth? the wedding? both?). Let us see their actions and hear their thoughts.
You get the idea.
It sounds like the story really begins in the last paragraph and you were rushing through the setup to get there.
posted
I'm not too crazy about the present tense. The idea isn't bad, but nothing real original so far. I don't mean to be negative, but I'm pretty iffy on what you have so far.
posted
6500 words, still wanting readers on the whole thing.
October, 1990. Suzy has just given birth after nine hours of labor, and she's now resting with Pete by the bedside. While they're waiting for their son to come, Suzy thinks of the inevitable wedding.
The nurse bring in the boy, but Suzy can see that she's troubled. “What's wrong?” Suzy asks.
The nurse doesn't say, but she puts the baby in Suzy's arms, and what Suzy sees horrifies her. This isn't right! “What did you do to my boy?” she says.
“Nothing,” the nurse soothes. “He came out like that.”
Pete is concerned, so he pulls back the baby's blanket to look at his son, and draws back repulsed. Their baby has a head covered in scars.
This version is much better in that it makes me more interested in what is happening.
However, I am in agreement with the others regarding the present tense. Rather than being as interested as I think I should be, I feel detached, as if a narrator were introducing me to what is about to happen (I'm thinking Rod Serling & The Twilight Zone). For me, it doesn't work in a book; screenplays, etc. would be an exception.
Hope that helps.
EDIT:
Forgot to comment on the dialog. The nurse just doesn't work for me. I can't help but think she'd try to be more sympathetic and explanatory about the situation. "Your baby is healthy, but there is something we cannot explain. There are scratches all over his/her face."
For 'suspense' you can add hesitation on the nurses part. A regret for having to deliver such news, where the parents ask what is wrong, but the delay to the very end about using the word scratches seems forced to me.
[This message has been edited by pjp (edited February 13, 2006).]
Describe the nurse's troubled expression from Suzy's POV. You should probably even have a doctor with her. It's the doctor's responsibility to inform the parents of anything unusual like this.
One logical issue: Didn't anyone notice the scars in the delivery room? It's standard practice for the baby to be given to the mother after it has been cleaned up a bit and the Apgar tests done. I can't believe the scars weren't noticed at that time if, as the nurse claims, "he came out like that."
I would drop "and what Suzy sees horrifies her." Her words tell us she's horrified/upset at what she sees. Also drop "repulsed" later on. Same thing. You did a much better job of showing us the parents' emotions, but then turned around and told us again.
Keep at it, though. You're headed in the right direction.
posted
I fear present tense would cause me to put the story down before I even finished the first 13. I've never seen a successful professional use it all the way through the story. It screams "amateur."
Is this supposed to say 'The nurse brings in the boy" ?
That kept jumping out at me.
Have you ever seen a woman give birth? You can put all the things you wanted to begin with a dialogue with hopeful Suzy and a hesitant Pete. Talk about the agony. And also remember that unless this is set in the past, she's going to see her baby immediately after it comes out, or there's going to be drama and quietness as the doctor and the nurse examines the baby. It will happen in the delivery room.
_____________ Nine long hours of labor and the clock ticks away the seconds. Suzy pulls her knees to her ears and holds her breath for one last push.
"That's it." the doctor says. "The head is out. Don't push."
Suzy looks up to smile at Pete just as the nurse gasps in horror. "What? What is it?" Suzy asks, trying to peer around Pete as the nurse takes the baby to the bassinet. "What's wrong with my baby?" ________________ Just a thought.
[This message has been edited by Susannaj4 (edited February 13, 2006).]
posted
I've seen present tense work, in Walter Jon Williams's Hardwired. Admittedly, it's an exception.
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posted
I'm well aware of the problems writing in present tense; I'm not a fan of it either, which is why this is the first, and probably only, time I will ever do it.
In the meantime, it's still 6500 words and looking for readers.
BTW, thanks y'all for the help so far.
October, 1990. Suzy has just given birth after nine hours of labor, and after all that work, she's realizing that the hell is just starting. Pete's rubbing her hand, but he's no comfort because he's more disturbed than she is. Suzy bites her fingernails when the doctor enters the room.
“Good news,” he says. “Your son is perfectly healthy.”
“Healthy!” Pete roars. “His head is covered in scars. How do you call that healthy?”
“Pete,” says Suzy, trying to calm him, but to no avail.
“I want to know exactly what you did to that boy,” Pete says.
“I'm sorry," says the doctor, "but we did nothing."
[This message has been edited by Ray (edited February 13, 2006).]
posted
MUCH improved. We've all said our piece on the 1P present issue, but if you're willing to pay the price, it's your call.
Otherwise, a great improvement over the original. Hopefully, the doctor will be explaining in short order why he's so blase about something so obviously unusual, but I guess that's what the "rest of the story", as Paul Harvey puts it, is for...
posted
I was trying to work out why this wasn't working and then it came to me: I don't think you've decided whose point of view to use yet. If your going to use present tense like this there must be something else to balance the cost and you have not got it here. We're not given solid pov, nor are we given atmosphere or setting.
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