The function of the first thirteen lines isn't to tell the story or even present an outline. All the thirteen lines have to do is set the tone, and most important of all capture the interest of the reader.

Your opening did both. Send me more.

When I read the "vampire" line, I assumed that the "birth" referred to the MC's rebirth as a vampire, so a better opening line hook might be "I was born for the second time on the fourth of August...".

Other notes; "madwoman" should be two words in this instance.

"My magnificent" intellect" is an interesting line, establishing an enormous ego for the MC, but again it would be a turn-off for me, particularly followed by the "cannot escape my existence/choose my destiny" complaint. That comes across as cliche - the powerful yet powerless MC who bemoans their lot.

Like the others, though, I'm not into vampires, so I probably wouldn't read, but it's still a pretty good hook.

WORD argued with me over mad woman.

The Magnificent Intellect denotes the fact that he holds the knowledge of not just his parents, but of all those he has 'taken'.

quote:

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He's dreaming. In the second paragraph you find that out.

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Only if I read that far.

I figured out a better way to explain what drew me out of the story before it ever even began...telling. I'm sure you've heard "show don't tell." Well, that's what happening here. If he's dreaming, show me a dream, don't tell me about his fancies. If he's a slave, show me him being a slave, don't tell me about it. If he's been alive for a thousand years show me how this has effected his life.

quote:

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Tyran was born of the flesh a vampire.
Nagan is who he is, like I am Native American. There is a distinction between Nagan Vampires and vampires.

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I'll take your word for it, but since I've never come across the term "Nagan" before (I'm assuming it's your own invention), it just confuses here, because it could be interpreted as a name - after all, you use exactly the same wording both times. Now, if he begins "My name is Tyran", but then mentions "I am Nagan", the reader can clearly see a deliberate distinction, and may wonder what a Nagan is, rather than just going "I thought he said his name was Tyran"?.

Remember, you can explain yourself here, but you won't have this option with an editor, or a reader. They only have what's one the page (or screen) in front of them, and you have to make it work for them without supporting material.

quote:

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WORD argued with me over mad woman.

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Argue back with Word - it is hardly an expert on matters of grammar (I disagree with almost every suggestion the Word grammar checker has ever made - and if you want to have fun, type your favourite piece of great literature into Word, then let the grammar checker make all its suggested changes; in one pass you'll likely be left with something workable but dull, by three passes through you'll probably have gibberish). "Madwoman" is an acceptable word in certain contexts, but in the context you've used it, you must say "mad woman", because you're following on from another adjective. You wouldn't say "she was a mad but beautifulwoman", so don't say "she was a beautiful but madwoman". You could say "she was a beautiful madwoman".

quote:

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The Magnificent Intellect denotes the fact that he holds the knowledge of not just his parents, but of all those he has 'taken'.

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_________

The crackling of the fire could be heard beyond the screams of the beautiful but sad woman leaning up against the wall of the stall. Her knees were pulled tightly to her sides and she yelled once more in agony. Beads of sweat pelted the floor from her brow as she pushed her chin to her chest.
“Shh. Just push now.” The old woman said as she patted the woman’s forehead with a damp cloth. “It will be over soon.”
“Sarem!” The woman screamed. “He should be here.” She panted.
“I know. I know. Just push.”

***
A strange and familiar sensation washed over his dried flesh and faces appeared in his mind wiping away his memory of his birth.
__________
No info dump, I'm showing instead of telling. I took out references that can be answered to later.Is it something to be described as raw?

I also don't think I like "pelted", that implies far more impact than simply the force of gravity, as if she's expelling sweat at hyperspeed or something bizarre.

Is it "raw"? Well, that's a matter of opinion, but then so are all critiques. I think it is, in the sense that it needs to be thought about and polished and shaped and tidied up, becauseof the issues I've mentioned. But (given the thread you've started over on Questions) you seem to be taking that criticism very much to heart. I'd suggest that you remember two things:

1). All critique is opinion (beyond the most basic issues of spelling and simple grammeatical rules). One opinion may or may not be more valid than another. On a site like this, there will be a wide range of people with a wide range of experience, and it takes time to learn whose critiques to take note of and whose not to worry so much about. We all have our own particular idiosyncracies (wbriggs likes to make sure everything's clear up front; Survivor is the POVmeister; and so on), and you need to be very careful about equating one person's apparent dislike of your work to "oh, I might as well give up". Name any multi-millionaire author out there and you'll still find as many - or more - people who dislike their work as are fans of it (so someone sells 1,000,000 copies of a book in the US - that still means 299,000,000 people did NOT buy it). Ultimately, the only decisions that will matter are those of the publishers, and then the paying public.

2). Hmm, there was going to be a 2 but I spent so long writing 1 I forgot what it was. I think I was gonig to say that critiques are not "criticism" in the sense that the word is often used, like criticising your choice in clothes or your taste in music. They may seem harsh, because anyone who's serious about writing invests a huge amount of time and emotion in their work, but the critiques on here are about helpping you to be better, not about tearing you down. In general, this is a pretty polite place for critiques (I suspect I'm one of the harsher-sounding critters, in general), and arguably a good place to build up experience of having your work commented on and analysed. If I seem harsh, it's unintentional; my purpose in commenting on other work is generally to try and help, not to tear someone down. I suspect the same goes for virtually everyone on here (certainly anyone who's been here for any length of time), so bear that in mind when thinking about what people are saying about your work.

Aside from that--if the first snippet is his memory of his birth, how come he's seeing everything from the outside while he's still on the inside?

_____

Seth sat on the edge of the bed and leaned his elbows on his knees. He called his cigarette case from his leather jacket pocket and looked at himself in the mirror. Not a night has gone by in the last millennia that he hasn’t thought of the day he took flesh. He brought a long black stick to his lips and lit it, inhaling deeply. His grey eyes swirled and his fangs ascended as the herb wafted through his senses, calming the beast he had set free only minutes earlier. He glanced behind him and the bloody mass that had once been

Do we really need to know about the details of his birth 1,000 years earlier or is it sufficient for your plot that he is 1,000 years old. If the details are important, you might not want to hit a reader with them right away. A peice of advice I got a long time ago is "start your story just before the main character's life changes." Too early and we don't care/read long enough to get to the event.

There was a great post on opening lines on this section that moved to the other forum. I need a hint of what is going on to care. I LOVE that you switched to Seth's voice and not an omniscient third person to narrate. It is much more involving. Seth has a story to tell, let him.

The crackling of the fire could be heard beyond the screams of the beautiful but sad woman leaning up against the wall of the stall.

or

The crackling of the fire could be heard beyond the screams.

You've got a good hook, but I think you're overloading it with information. Take it slow. Draw us in. Don't try to paint your picture in one brushstroke.

"His grey eyes swirled" seems over the top. What does it mean when someone's eyes swirl? If feels contrived to me and that breaks my suspension of disbelief.

Like the use of the drug to calm the post-feed jitters. Nice touch.

Is there a relationship between looking at himself in the mirror and thinking about the day he took flesh? If there is, it's not evident.

It feels as though you're trying to convey how powerful a vampire Seth is - how impressive - as the hook to your story. However it comes off as forced and makes the opening awkward to me as a reader. Why is Seth interesting? I see you're trying to make him more than a standard issue vampire, but it's not working for me. What can you convey about him in the first thirteen lines that will make me curious about him?

______
Seth sat on the edge of the bed and leaned his elbows on his knees. He called his cigarette case from his leather jacket pocket and smiled at himself in the mirror. He brought a long black stick to his lips and lit it, inhaling deeply. His fangs ascended as the herb wafted through his senses, calming the monster he had set free only minutes earlier. He glanced behind him at the bloody mass that had once been some pretty girl. So uncharacteristically like himself, he had let his beast take control for the first time in his life and Broke her -- mind, body, and spirit. He now understood the pleasure of Breaking
________

Why does he smile? He seems unhappy with his loss of control.

"Uncharacteristically like himself" sounds like a contradiction. If an action is uncharacteristic of your MC it's not "like himself". I think you're trying to say his behavior was not unusual for him, but your grammar garbles your meaning.

Bloody mass suggests to me that he sort of pulped his victim. Is that what you're going for?

"Some pretty girl" dispenses with his victim. If that's the case, does is matter that she was pretty, or a girl? Was she a random girl he snatched off the street? Was she a date? A prostitute? A close friend? Did Seth know her name? This might be a way to give me more insight into Seth's character.

This guy's been around for 1000+ years and this is the first time he's really cut loose on a victim? Usually loss of control is connected with lack of maturity. Makes Seth sound like the 1000 year old virgin. I suspect you've got reasons this would be the case, but as a reader I'm not aware of them. Might be something we learn about later.

Swirling eyes - just not sure what you're describing. You mean the irises rotate? Do they swirl around like one of those hypno-disks you get in the novelty stores? Is it a swirl of color in the iris? When you first mentioned it I thought it might be the effect of the drug. Is it, in fact, important at this stage of the story?

Don't let me discourage or frustrate you. Nothing offensive in your writing. I fuss, I poke and prod. If it hurts more than it helps let me know and I'll dial it back. ;-)

Uncharacteristically like himself--you got the correct impression. The rest of the sentence:
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He now understood the pleasure of Breaking and allowed himself to revel in the gratification.
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That's why he smiled. Saying she was pretty was in contrast to what she was now and yes, it matters that she a girl.

The swirling eyes thing is confusing. Don't forget, your reader doesn't have the ability to view YOUR mental picture. We can only go off of what you tell us, using the real world and our previous exposure to the genre as a "baseline."

Eyes don't swirl in real life. So thus we are taken OUT of the story to contemplate this bizarre-sounding statement. "What does the author mean?" we wonder. In trying to imagine it, I picture the irises rotating around in his eye socket like Linda Blair's head in the Exorcist. It is a disturbing image, and not in a way that benefits your efforts to pull me into the story.

I understand your goal--to make this vampire unique--but I think you could find a better way to achieve it. Part of the problem is the swirling eyes are basically a POV violation. If you are going to add characteristics that are a stretch of the imagination, try doing it from the POV of someone LOOKING at this person. You describe his inner thoughts/satisfaction, but then you have this weird eye-swirling thing happening that he, himself, cannot notice; it would have to be observed by someone else.

When you make a decision about tossing unique traits in, ask yourself: how does the story benefit from this characteristic, this plot point, this sentence, this word? OSC reminds us that there is a price to pay for everything we write - make sure you are getting your nickle's worth from each word you use. Does the word "swirling" pull the reader IN and add to the hook? Is the surrounding context strong enough to prevent the reader from becoming confused? Or is the price you pay for using an uncharacteristic/atypical trait enough to dump the reader out of the story?

Ultimately, you may choose to add features to the millieu and character that are unsettling or confusing to the reader. If so, just be aware of the price you are paying, and be willing to pay it. Sometimes a little confusion to the reader is good. Other times it's detracting from your story. You decide.

Yet you DESCRIBE it as "His grey EYES swirled." When you use the term "eye" I get the image of his WHOLE eye rolling around and around and around. No one can focus while their eyes are rolling in their head. I don't envision him watching his eyes in the reflection of his cigarette case. You made mention of the mirror, then had him take a drag on his cigar or whatever it is - that provided an interrupt. I don't envision him continuing to stare at his reflection. And be wary of using someone staring at their reflection to describe their physical features; it's another done-to-death cliche mark of being a newbie (almost as bad as starting the story out by waking up.) My last question is: um... I thought vampires don't HAVE a reflection?

I'm not trying to say "I'm right/you're wrong." I'm trying to clarify for you what MY thought process is as I read. You won't get to control how the reader interprets your story; your job is to eliminate as much of the confusion as possible. I can assure you with the number of "Huh?" comments you've had on that one detail, we aren't going to be the only readers who "don't get it."

You pay a price for descriptions that confuse. Are the "swirling eyes" really worth all the tap-dancing you need to go through to successfully convey an accurate image of what YOU see to the reader so they see it too?? In other words, does it impact the plot or shape the millieu?? Is it worth the PRICE?

Edited (because you posted at the same time I did) to add: Regarding the POV issue... you don't specifically mention that he's looking at his eyes change. In fact, you don't even SAY they changed. You said they swirled. Since eyes don't normally swirl, we are left adrift, to ferret out your intent from the other clues present. All the other comments I mentioned above about the mirror factor in to my understanding of that paragraph. By the time I got to the swirling eyes, I no longer held a mental image that he was staring at his reflection because I assumed he had shut his cigarette case and taken a drag on his smoke.

[This message has been edited by Elan (edited February 24, 2006).]

One thing I've observed about critiques is that there really is no way to rate them on a scale... 1 it stinks, 10 it soars. Sometimes a particular point will get hammered, but in the broader scheme of things it may only be a moderate problem, not a deal-breaker for the entire manuscript.

Keep your chin up and keep at it. Don't let the critiques or the CRITICS (There: happy now, Hoptoad? ) get you down.

Having said that, I prefer the original in the first post. It is a little "slow" but would only need minor tweaking IMO (again, if this is a sequel, we already know some of his history, no?)