posted
Looking for feedback on this fragment and the two that follow. All three are opening paragraphs. Thx ------- We called her Mother to begin with. It was something of a joke with her, she being sterile and we monstrous. Some of us came to her by chance, others by design. For still others, like myself, she was truly our beginning.
She made me. Designed my very being and created me, flesh and bone, out of life's subtle fibers. She etched the pattern of my mind. Her masterwork, she called me once. It may be that she wrought better than she knew; creating a thing she could not control, could not contain. Then again, I may still be her creature - acting out some extension of her will too subtle for me to perceive. I mistrust my actions, my thoughts. Mother is the wellspring of both.
posted
Interesting opening. It reminds me of Gene Wolfe--kinda vague and yet the language is descriptive at the same time. You need to share more about the narrator and the Mother soon to keep my interest. It's a good intro to their relationship though.
Posts: 266 | Registered: Mar 2004
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posted
There's definitely a hook here. My only comment is the last sentence: Mother is the wellspring of both. Both what? thoughts and actions? Maybe use a semi-colon to connect the two statements.
Posts: 2026 | Registered: Mar 2005
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posted
I loved the tone, smooth as silk yet foreboding. Good intro into a story. The word design is used twice and contradicts itself. "Some by chansce, some by design. ." Then: "For still others, she was our beginning" This separates the others from the narrator But in the next paragraph the narrator says that she did design him, "flesh and bone." Do you see it? Anyway, I really liked it, please send me more.
Posts: 84 | Registered: Feb 2006
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posted
Yes, very smooth; I'd read on, because you've intrigued me as to who and what this narrator is, and who and what the mother is, but I would not that there is no hint yet of a plot or an event. You can get away with this, I think, because of the deft way you've brought us into this POV, but it's something to be wary of.
posted
Nice. I'll echo Dude's comment that we'll need to know a bit more about Mother and the narrator, especially an explanation of "monstrous".
Posts: 195 | Registered: Jan 2006
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posted
I enjoyed this opening and would be interested in reading more. If you need a reader for the whole thing when it's finished, let me know.
Posts: 150 | Registered: Aug 2005
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posted
Some slight changes. I've sent about two pages of this to them as asked. ------- We called her Mother to begin with. It was something of a joke with her, she being sterile and we monstrous. Some of us came to her by chance, others by her will. For still others, like myself, she was truly our beginning.
She made me. Designed my very being and created me, flesh and bone, out of life's subtle fibers. She etched the pattern of my mind. Her masterwork, she called me once. It may be that she wrought better than she knew; creating a thing she could not control, could not contain. Then again, I may still be her creature - acting out some extension of her will too subtle for me to perceive. I mistrust my actions, my thoughts, for Mother is the wellspring of both.
posted
This hooked me. I am assuming "Boots" is the title. If it is, then, it makes me like the start of the story even more.
Posts: 397 | Registered: Mar 2004
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posted
Very good. A solid intro to the narrator, and an interesting and appropriate place to start any story he tells. That last bit really makes us interested to know more.
Posts: 8322 | Registered: Aug 1999
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