posted
Chapter One - Dreams Jewel's blankets were all in a tangle. She was trapped where she lay. She kept her eys closed. A dream hovered at the edge of her sleep. Stay sleeping, she told herself, a little longer. Her head rested domfortalby on a pile of old beaded cushions. She looked peaceful, but behind closed lids, her eyes darted left and right. She grasped at images: a maginificent warrior woman, a golden sword made of stars. Jewel strained to remember more. Sin'dra, the Warrior Goddess, turned towards her, looked as if she would speak. A flash of lightning streaked in the darkness behind her. The Goddess put a finger to her lips, shook her head the disappeared behind a wall of darkness. Jewel sighed heavily before she opened her eyes.
I was a bit confused by this opening. It's convoluted and confusing. Is she or is she not asleep? She seems to be as "a dream hovered at the edge of her sleep." But then if she is asleep how could she tell herself to "stay asleep"?
Despite this, I am curious about what follows - I just think it needs more clarity and to be tightened up.
posted
It's choppy. Short sentences. Mix it up. Different lengths. Read aloud. Sounds jerky. Like stuttering.
I'm not fond of openers that begin with sleeping, dreaming... it's hideously cliched and often the mark of a newbie. It always amazes me... I'd put the numbers at about 70% of newbies who start their stories out with waking up. Or sleeping. Or dreaming. I cannot understand WHY that scenario is so prevalant. It's a mystery to me.
The other problem with the dream sequence is that we don't care yet. We need to get to know the character before you throw her life-altering dream at us. If we don't know what her life has BEEN, there is no hook to the life altering dream.
Let us get to know her first. Start her out doing something INTERESTING. Then you can safely put her to sleep without risking doing the same to your readers.
posted
Not interested yet. A woman's dreaming and reluctant to get up. Happens to a lot of us, often.
I don't fundamentally object to starting with waking up, but I've only done it once. MC was awakened by an explosion. If nothing's happening when MC wakes up, well, nothing's happening.
Important nit:
She looked peaceful
To whom? I suggest you stick with her POV. She won't notice how she looks, because she can't see herself.
posted
Happy to do a critique of your 20 pages if you need a reader.
The opening seems disjointed - hints of the dreamer and the dream collide - fight each other. Something in me wants the dream images harder for the dreamer to collect. I have the sense you wanted the punch of the title character backlit by lightning too much to wait for it. That may be the result of adhering to the 13 line format. Be patient. Don't rush to the big delivery. Wait for it. You do images well. Work that. Draw me in.
posted
I like it, but you do have a few minor problems. Enough has been said about all that, so I'll clarify what I like.
First, this woman can apparently willfully hold onto a meaningful dream, and she's in the middle of having one right now. That grabs me. I can willfully hold onto sleep, and particularly a pleasant dream, but I can't willfully hold a meaningful dream.
Second, the contents of the dream are used to give me a feel for the character's cultural background as well as clearly communicating that this dream is important without having to come right out and tell me either. Similarly, you use the character's awareness of both her dreaming state and her actual surroundings to tell me about the ability that sets her apart from us ordinary dreamers. Saying she looked peaceful was a POV violation, but telling us she kept her body relaxed would be appropriate as long as she was aware of doing it (which seems to be the case).
Third, I like the fact that despite her efforts, she can't force more out of Sin'dra than the Goddess will give her. That provides instant conflict, she wants to figure out something but has failed in her first attempt, so we're well set on the "try, try again" cycle of a building dramatic structure.
I really can't do 20 pages right now. I'll let you know when I'm available if you keep working on this, though.
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