posted
Okay, here's another attempt at starting the story. Hopefully it's the "right" way. Let me know what you think.
The hallway was deserted as Aami made her way to the chairman’s office in the Federal Preservation Bureau building on the planet Pheed. She’d barely arrived from a year-long circuit when she’d been summoned - no time to even shower. She was annoyed with that. She wondered what this was all about as she passed the countless doors and hallways. The summons had an emergency tag on it and it brought with it a sense of forboding that settled into the pit of her stomach. Rounding the corner, she saw his door. She took a deep breath and walked into its sensor range; the door opened with a wisp of air. “Ah, Aami Fepai. Come in and sit down, we need to hurry.” The chairman said.
posted
The first sentence carries on for one too many phrases. Its also written in a distant style by making the hallway the subject of the sentence.
"- no time to even shower" the reference is out of synch with the sentence its attached to. Add the annoyed bit and the planet information to this sentence.
Much of the rest of the paragraph seems off focus.
Maybe try using the very last line to start. The real action here starts with her entering the room with the chairman. Start there.
posted
I think you're trying to pack too much information into your first sentence. It's hard to draw someone in when your story begins in an administration building, even if that building is on the planet Pheed. Does it matter at this point that Aami is on another planet and is in the Federal Preservation Bureau building? Reveal that to me as you go rather than extending your first sentence. Hook me on that first line. Make me want more.
Posts: 76 | Registered: Feb 2006
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posted
Constipatron, Just a general question; is it just me or do a lot of scific stories begin with someone walking into a meeting? I have no other comment on the text, it seems fine to me, except for "Federal Preservation Bureau building" doesn't need the word "building".
I just wonder whether the story has to start in the meeting. It may be the most obvious place to start, but is it the best?
It might be good to think about having her summoned during the landing sequence, you know:
'Do I have time for a shower?' 'No. Come right away.' He disconnected before she could object and the screen went green for a moment before the Pheed-tel logo appeared. Son-of-a-bitch.
That sort of thing.
or even
Aami had been wearing her biodegradable underwear so long she could feel it beginning to break-down. I need a shower. She collected her portmanteau from customs — quarantine tags dangling from its handle. " 'Scuse-me luv," The guard bent down to get nearer to her luggage. 'Why's your bag tickin'?"
Last one was a joke. Start at the best possible place to start. The scene that's going to really grab, the one that makes the reader realise what's at stake here.
[This message has been edited by hoptoad (edited February 23, 2006).]
posted
What hoptoad said. I personally couldn't find anything technically wrong (ok, that first sentence was a little overloaded, but it's easily fixed); it's just that watching a bureaucrat walk into a building isn't inherently interesting (although if it could be made interesting, I'd say you did it, with her internal dialogue). What's the thing about this story that's so cool you want to tell it? Start there, maybe.
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posted
You might try reversing your ideas here. Start with her entering the meeting room so we can find out early on what the emergency is (which I'll assume is related to the main plot). As you can drop in dialogue and narrative that shows us she's just gotten off the shuttle (or whatever) and she hasn't had a chance to shower, etc.
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posted
Oh, yes, and that meeting idea: OSC said in class, never start your story in a meeting. His reason was that there are too many characters to introduce at once, so maybe he was thinking of a meeting of more than two. Mine would be that people hate meetings so much in real life we shouldn't subject them to more in fiction!
OK, I guess it could work. But it would likely be more interesting to start with events the meeting will only be talking about. For example, instead of starting with the geologists talking about tremors at Yellowstone, we could start with a tremor. That kind of thing.
posted
Some good suggestions here on potentially more interesting places to start your story. Your current opening isn't so good unless the fact that the FPB building is large and rather lifeless is going to factor into the story in a major way, and if that were the case, you should make more of it.
On the other hand, it is by no means bad, just a little off-point.
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