posted
Hello, new to the board. Wrote my info in the "know more about you" thread. I know its kinda quick to jump into this but I could use some feed back, hope you enjoy the first 13 lines of my story.
"The planet of Dicodomus could be seen outside the window of the UTD Indomitable's command deck. The yellowish tint of the planets barren and rocky surface and the lack of any distinguishable bodies of water or forrests made Group Commander John Harriman wonder what was so important about this dust ball. Then he remembered the blood that was spilled in defense of one of the most bountiful rocks in this part of space. He remembered the beating the Terran Navy took from the Colonial invasion force before being forced to retreat, leaving the planet in the hands of a sworn enemy. He remembered because he was there, he remembered back when he was captain of the destroyer Belafaron, the beating his ship took, and the subsequent beating he returned."
posted
Welcome to the board! When you post your first 13 lines for feedback, it's a good idea to include the length of the story (500 words? 10,000 words?). In my opinion, the shorter the story the more you have to accomplish in the first 13 lines, so I tend to focus on different things depending on the length of the overall story.
On to the story...Your first paragraph is mostly John Harriman's memories, which fills in a lot of backstory. I think that the opening of the story would be stronger if you could start with an action. Rather than having John remember what he has done in the past, have him do something (e.g., he could be giving orders to his crew, or the ship could be under attack and he could be responding to that emergency). You want to really hook the reader with an opening that has a lot of tension, which is hard to do if the main character is standing on a ship thinking about the past.
You could make it more lively if he's looking at this barren dust ball and someone else comes and they talk about it and compare it to that rock that cost so many lives a few years ago...or whatever. Not...NOT in the "as you know, Bob" type of discussion. Make it active. Make it real speech. But it could work if this is where you want to start.
What IS the inciting incident here? They see this piece of interstellar real estate and give it a quick evaluation, they talk and then what happens to start the story action rolling? A discovery (my god! Look at that hole! It must go straight through the planet!)? Or an attack (the ship came out of nowhere and loosed a battery of fire on the UTD INDOMITABLE, the good guys' ship)?
[This message has been edited by arriki (edited February 27, 2006).]
posted
I get what you are saying. Due to the circumstances of the opening, I cannot add a ship battle or any signifigant action to these 13 lines. BUT, it could use more dialogue. I will fix it and re-post it later to see what you think.Thank you for your input.
Posts: 6 | Registered: Feb 2006
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posted
The first two lines were pretty good, but it kind of lost steam after that.
You could put in action and/or dialogue as mentioned above, but also consider that you don't really need to if you personalize it more. Harriman is a bit too detached, and his memories read like a plot outline shifted to past tense.
If he was at a battle around this planet, don't make him wonder about "what was so important" about this planet. He KNOWS what was important - to him. He no doubt lost men under his command and some good friends. Let us feel his angst as he remembers comrades who died and a lush planet that was ruined.
I'd suggest renting and watching "We Were Soldiers." Gibson gave a moving protrayal of a U.S. Army Colonel and his commitment to his men and his duty in a war that didn't seem to make much sense.
My take on this is that the things I don't like are minor (I'll specify in a moment), but there's just no major hook. I don't know why I'd keep reading. Even Harriman thinks the planet is dull. There's something that once happened to make it interesting, but it's in the past, and we already know how it turned out. All that's happening now is somebody's looking out a window. Start elsewhere?
"The planet of Dicodomus could be seen outside the window of the UTD Indomitable's command deck. [PASSIVE VOICE, AND YOU'RE MISSING A GREAT OPPORTUNITY TO PUT US IN A POV. HOW ABOUT "JOHN HARRIMAN SAW..."] The yellowish tint of the planets barren and rocky surface and the lack of any distinguishable bodies of water or forrests made Group Commander John Harriman wonder what was so important about this dust ball. [NO! TELL THE READER IT'S UNIMPORTANT AND HE'LL BELIEVE YOU! ALSO: IT'S NOT UNUSUAL FOR A WORLD TO HAVE NO OCEANS OR FORESTS; IN OUR SOLAR SYSTEM, OF ALL WORLDS AND MOONS, ONLY ONE DOES. I'D HATE TO THINK THEY'RE ALL BORING!] Then he remembered the blood that was spilled in defense of one of the most bountiful [BOUNTIFUL?] rocks in this part of space. He remembered the beating the Terran Navy took from the Colonial invasion force before being forced to retreat, leaving the planet in the hands of a sworn enemy. [I DON'T THINK YOU NEED "SWORN" HERE. IF IT'S IN THE HANDS OF AN ENEMY, WHY HAVEN'T THEY ENGAGED HARRIMAN'S SHIP?] He remembered because he was there, he remembered back when he was captain of the destroyer Belafaron, the beating his ship took, and the subsequent beating he returned." [3 BEATINGS IN TWO SENTENCES. FIND ANOTHER WORD -- OR, BETTER YET, FIND SOMETHING MORE SPECIFIC. NOT "WE GOT A BEATING" BUT "ONE OF THEIR MISSILES BLEW A HOLE IN THE PORT SIDE." BUT I NOTE THAT THE MOST INTERESTING THING HAPPENING HERE IS BEING SUMMARIZED BECAUSE IT'S IN THE PAST. SHOULD THE STORY START THEN?]
[This message has been edited by wbriggs (edited February 27, 2006).]
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