posted
Hi, I'm new around here. I've posted a couple times, and thought I'd get some feedback about a story I wrote awhile ago. It's kind of a surreal/fantasy piece, about 5300 words.
Death was the first thing I saw when I entered the bar. He was at the slot machines by the restroom door plugging quarters into the slot and muttering to himself through his fleshless jaws. He dressed identical to the stereotypical image propagated by pop culture: the tattered, black cowl, dusty with age and decay. His sickle leaned blade-upwards against the wall between the restroom door and the console that its master was so attuned to.
I wasn’t a barfly; I’d gone into that particular bar to ask for a phone to call my insurance company. It was 9:30 pm on an August night in the Nevada desert, and the dusky dining room shone with only the dull glow emitting from hanging light fixtures over each booth.
posted
Do you want a critique on just the opening, or are you looking for readers?
I liked the first paragraph, although I felt you could do without telling me what he looked like. Death is already such a familiar stereotype that describing him seems excessive.
You lost me in the second paragraph. Death is gambling, and your narrator is interested in the time of night and insurance. I'd rather know what Death is doing in the bar.
posted
Good hook, and I'd read on; if you're looking for readers, than pass it my way.
One nit - when is this set? the MC claims to have only gone into the bar looking for a phone. If this is set "today", that makes him comparatively unusual, in not having a cellphone... (the invention of the mobile phone has made a huge difference to so many "standard" plots - used to be that the hero would rush to warn someone in person that the killer was on the ay, now... hey, just make a cellphone call!).
posted
I'll have to disagree with Tchernabyelo about the idea that just about everyone has a cell phone these days. About 60% of adults have one, so that still leaves, oh, about 80+ million people that don't have them.
As far as the lines, I thought the first paragraph was good, although the "stereotypical image propagated by pop culture" stuck out.
posted
Overall, I liked it. Rather than the lengthy stereotype reference (He dressed identical to the stereotypical image propagated by pop culture), I'd rather see the description and the briefest reference to it being a stereotype. After we read the description, we'll know it's stereotyped. Telling us briefly lets us know that you know, and that it was deliberate. Fex: Wearing a tattered, black cowl, dusty with age, he fit the stereotype perfectly.
I'm fine with the insurance and time reference (though "9:30" makes it seem like a log book, as opposed to, say, half past nine), as it tells us why the person was there. However, we should soon find out more. My problem in this last part comes with the description of the dining room. Death is playing slots, and we're seeing a dusky dining room? Even if Death's presence is that common, we don't know that yet, so this description should probably be before we see Death. Moving the insurance/time reference along with it might help with others' concerns about the Death/insurance issue.
posted
Along the lines of what others have been saying I'd suggest one of two things depending on where the story is going: 1) cut down on the excess description of death. perhaps one line establishing quickly that he is in the stereotypical robe etc..
2) change it up and show that closer inspection reveals that the "black robe" is in fact a very very dirty hawiian shirt and pair of board shorts... or something along those lines.
Printer-friendly view of this topic
