I thank you for your suggestions, and have typed up what i hope you consider to be an improvement over what had. Im off to bed for now.
Group Commander John harriman stared at the barren, sandy surface of the planet Dicodomus from the relative comfort of his Command Bridge. For at least half of the planet It was a new day. The sun showed brilliantly between the planet and its lunar cousin, which was equally large and barren. Harriman could see the hulls of dozens of starships as light glistened off of their metallic hulls. For the moment, they were waiting just out of weapons range. They were ready for him to come, and he had no intention of dissapointing them. "I don't understand why they'd even bother." Harriman, irritated by the remark, turned sharpley to face his second in command, 1st officer Jancy Murphy.
[This message has been edited by Toshiro Kurosawa (edited February 28, 2006).]
[This message has been edited by Toshiro Kurosawa (edited February 28, 2006).]
[This message has been edited by Toshiro Kurosawa (edited February 28, 2006).]
posted
This is very brisk and matter-of-fact, which I guess may suit the militaristic tone, but it's rather dry for my taste. Phrases like "his second in command, 1st Officer Jancy Murphy" just drag and delay the interest - just try something like: "I don't understand why they'd even bother," Murphy said. Harriman turned, irritated, to his second in command... That should cue us in that they're one and the same, especially when his next line of dialogue (presumably)) responds.
There are a few typos, which need addressing - "planely" should be "plainly", "shown" should be "showed", "sharpely" should be "sharply".
Grammatically, "Illuminated by the glare of the sun, Harriman could see..." means that it's Harriman who is being illuminated, so switch the word order - "Harriman could see the hulls of dozens of starships, illuminated by the glare of the sun." - you then don't need to restate the "light glistening" off their hulls. I find it a little odd that he can see these clearly, yet they are apparently out of weapons range; either they are huge, or your weapons have an oddly short range (beam weapons should have a huge range in space, given the lack of atmospheric scattering; but maybe you're talking about particle weapons).
"Unappealing and large" feels the wrong way round.
Oh, and there'll always be somewhere on the surface of the planet that it's a new day, so that's kind of redundant.
posted
What's the word count, and do you want a crit on the opening or the whole thing?
I had to read your second sentence from this point, "as he could see..." about three times before I understood it. "Sharply" is spelled without an "e."
Overall, this works for me, although I get annoyed at commanders who abuse their underlings simply because they're irritated. Commanders are supposed to restrain themselves, or they don't stay in charge for very long; unless he's the villain, then I'm perfectly all right with it, but I don't think that's the case.
posted
Proper nouns are capitalized. Some basic review for minor errors like that and typos should be done.
"could see the sun plainly as it shown between the planet" definitely needs fixing, as I thought shown should be shone here. If showed is correct, it seems odd to me.
"For the moment, they were waiting" who is they? Harriman, or the dozens of starships?
I'm in agreement with tchernabyelo with it seeming a little dry, though I'm fine with the general premise. A rewording of the 'second in command' part is needed. tcher's is good... maybe you can find another alternative that works too.
I think for me to continue, I'd need a bit more about why they're having the standoff. I don't need an exhaustive history, just the basic principle.
posted
I’m having trouble reading this. It seems too dense. And a lot of the sentences are report type wording. No attitude shows.
A lot of details CAN wait. You need to select out the most evocative ones. Ones that the reader can use to begin to seat himself in the audience and get comfortable with. Excited about. Interested in. Not dry report type information.
The damned colonials just hung there like piranhas, waiting for him. Sunlight glistened off dozens of hulls. Their real names hid under the fresh paint. How many were bombs, how many actual manned ships? “Coming in range in five minutes, sir,” ___ said. (I’m taking liberties with details, but this has something of an attitude showing. It has specific details.)
For at least half of the planet It was a new day , as he could see the sun plainly as it shown between the planet and its lunar cousin, which was equally large and barren. –
This excerpt above is really boring. You are using generic type details. Do we need to know this right now? In those precious first 13 lines? Give the name of the planet, okay. But keep your focus on the enemy fleet, group commander.
[This message has been edited by arriki (edited February 28, 2006).]
Yeah my typing is horriable, and my grammar can be just as bad. im used to the qick typing in Chat Rooms and that hurts the quality of my paragraphs. Thank you for your input, I will get to work on it rite away. To answer Ray, I really only have about two essay lenght paragraphs for now. You are welcome to read them if you wish, just email me at kwspro@hotmail.com. I wan't to write a great story, and you are all being a great help.
I have to tell you, it's nice to have HONEST criticism, and not the criticism of my Girlfriend, direct peers or parents. They tend to not be straight with me.
posted
I would probably start this with something along the lines of The sun glistened off the waiting ships. The enemy remained in visual range, too distant for weapons. --Although truth be told if they are within actual visual range where he's seeing the sun glistening on them, not just a scanned representation of their location and class type, I would think they would be well within range of weapons on a space faring vessel.--The nearby planet Dicodomus and its lunar cousin were barren. At least there weren't any innocent bystanders.--I've reworked to what I would do, hopefully catching the flavor of your intent. If not... wouldn't be the first time. The original was too wordy for my tastes. I'm not big on description, particularly nopt in the first paragraph unless the description really grabs me.
I agree with other reviewers the scene with the second-in command needs work as well.
posted
Yeah, I had the same problem as the other reviewers where I couldn't really connect to what you were writing because despite all the good, stark, technical detail - there really wasn't much to paint the picture for me.
Grammatically, you're good as long as you have Microsoft Word. Their Spell/Grammer check is my lord and savior.
BTW, just a personal suggestion but make sure you draft and redraft everything until it's completely in your comfort level before you show people you know and speak to on a daily basis.
If you show them too much of something that is sub par to what you're capable of, they might not give it the same attention as to something they know will be truly da bomb boogity woogity.
[This message has been edited by zipperhead409 (edited March 01, 2006).]
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