The moon shimmered lightly upon the ice like the fading glow of her cursed life. Shivering, she looked up into the haunting backdrop that was once the sky, the blackness surrounding the moon like a ethereal oppressor. No, it wasn’t the moon at all—but the poor imitator of one—the translucent orb that had been deemed worthy enough to replace the once glorious bodies that had gone around this forsaken world.

There had been two of them. Large eyes that peered down from the sky upon the happy inhabitants of the world. But all things must end. As the sun has, so the moons did.

“What is this place where I have found myself?” whispered Oyra. Her breath made clouds, conjuring tears of mist in the surrounding air that dissolved away. As everything .

That said, here's some polish.

quote:

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The moon shimmered lightly upon the ice like the fading glow of her cursed life. Shivering, she looked up into the haunting backdrop that was once the sky, the blackness surrounding the moon like a ethereal oppressor.

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Your similes do the connotation task beautifully, but since they don't do part 1 (for me), they leave me going "huh"? "like the fading glow of her cursed life": if moonlight looks like the glow of a life, what does that mean? We don't know, because we've never seen a cursed life glow. Similarly, "the blackness surrounding the moon like an ethereal oppressor": the image I get is strained, and totally wrong: picturing the blackness as a blanket (which is far from the concept of oppressor, but at least is a physical entity -- like an oppressor, but unlike darkness).

I also don't understand why she knows so much about the place if she asks "what is this place where I have found myself?" (this implies this is the first time she has ever come here).

For example, "The moon shimmered lightly upon the ice like the fading glow of her cursed life" gives an image of a soft glow that seems to fade away on the top of the ice. Then, this is likable to her life, which is fading, weak, and inconsistant like the moon is. As a person who works with these types of images a lot, it makes sense to me.

To address another phrase, "the blackness surrounding the moon like a ethereal oppressor" is suppose to give sense of the weakness of the moon, how its light doesn't seem to reach very far but seems as if the darkness is smothering it rather than it piercing the darkness as it normally does.

These images may seem confusing to some people, but I think they form beautiful images in a much more concise and definite way. I could have just said "The moon's light was dull and weak" but that wouldn't have offered the same depth and context as what was stated.

Sure it takes a bit more thought and imagination than the normal straightforward and often static languange, but I think it is well worth the price. Sure most writers don't try to deal with such poetics but for me, I'm writing for beauty and I think that this is my first touch of that in short story form.

That said, I know its not perfect and I will go through and make sure that all the images make sense.

And with what you said, Silver, I think that perhaps I may add a bit to the beginning...it won't hurt, but only after I see what else needs to be added to the storyline--I see it'd be worth the add-in.

The phrase "what is this place where I have found myself" was supposed to show that the world had become strange to her both literally and figuratively. I'll try to clear that up for you.

Perhaps this would help some.

She felt the last bit of life on this once lush world calling out to her. With a grimace, Oyra slid feet tiredly across the ice. They ached from her long wandering with no food to sustain her, no rest to ease her restless soul. She shrugged deeper into her heavy coat, trying to fend off the cold that constantly crept inside it.

With every step, her sense of that bit of life grew until she found herself standing before a small pond. After miles of white snow, it seemed strangely out of place—like one of those huge glass walkways that had flowed from building to building in the last desolate city she had found.

The moon shimmered lightly upon the ice like the faded glow of her cursed life. [continue on as above]

I think changing "fading" to "faded" clears up that whole sentence a bit more. And hopefully the context there helps set up the images as Survivor said.

*edit: fixed the confusion about the pool imagery which seemed to be mistaken for talking about the snow.

I think you could add some richness to this by letting us know what it feels like to sense the last bit of life.

“No rest to ease her restless soul”….if her soul is restless why does it need rest?

“her sense of that bit of life” felt to distant from the first reference in the first paragraph to stand alone. I think you would need to restate that the life was calling her (which was a great hook).

—like one of those huge glass walkways

I love the images you set up here, but I think it's actually too descriptive. If you have too many adjectives and comparisons they can end up detracting from your story.

First line: I would take out "shimmered" and replace it with something more unique. Perhaps "quivered." I would also take out "cursed" because I think it detracts.

Second line: I would take out either haunting or ethereal, but not both. I think they end up saying basically the same thing here, so it's not necessary to have both and the result feels cluttered.

Third line: Take out the first "--" since I don't think it really belongs. Keep the second one though. The word "once" isn't entirely necessary and it disrupts the flow of the sentence, but it's a judgment call whether you want to take it out. I think you could also take out "forsaken."

Fourth line: I like having a short sentence here.

Fifth line: Find a different word for "world." It's too much of an echo of the "world" in line three.

Skipping down to the quote...
I don't really like this quote. It seems a bit boring. You've already told me that your character feels alone in a desolate world, and you've given me that picture using very rich images. The quote feels like a cheap repeat of all that.

Regarding the second version (starting "She felt the last..."):

I like your second paragraph, but I think the first isn't quite as strong.

First line: I don't particularly like "once lush world." I think you could just say "She felt the last bit of life on the world calling out to her."

Second line: I think you mean "Orya slid *her* feet."

Third line: The phrase "no rest to ease her restless soul" seems cliche.

"But all things must end. As the sun has, so the moons did."

The hook for me, although I think it was not the hook you intended, is the line above. A sun ends by going nova. In that case the world would have been consumed by the nova. If it somehow escaped that, the huge amount of mass ejected by the sun would leave it with much less gravitation and the world would have been flung off into space. How is it the planet escaped this end? With no sun, what is the source of power? How is it that Oyra is even alive? Finally, this opening line:

"The moon shimmered lightly..."

With no sun, where is the moon getting the light to shimmer from?

The moon was replaced by human made things. All you really know in the story is that this world was advance enough that it could cope from the loss of the sun for at least a couple of years. I don't really explain why because that's a bit irrelevant. However the dying of the sun is important so perhaps I should explain it better.