posted
This here is the opening section of my short story, which is tentatively named Awakening. I'd like a review of these paragraphs and, if anyone would like to do so, a critique of what else I have so far (about 8 pages). Thanks.
In the time it takes me to write this entire account, you might be able to type a single letter. Unless you're an extremely fast typist, however, you couldn't. Part of the reason for that is that I am writing this by means of a direct mind-machine interface with my computer. As for the rest… well, that’s what this story is about.
My name is Nathan Hamlich. I am (or was) a computer programmer working for Digital Sentience Corporation, which as you can guess produces artificial intelligences (AIs). These are sold and used for many applications, but advertising for my company is not within the scope of my account, nor are the services my company provides relevant to this story. All except for one.
posted
This opening seems to run on. In the first paragraph, you write one interesting sentence, then the next one is a description of what was just said but doesn't add anything. Then another interesting sentence, and then another useless addition to that thought.
The second paragraph is better, because it introduces the character and feels like a letter or journal entry, so I don't mind the slight info dump, but overall, I don't care. In these first thirteen lines, I just don't know what the heck is going on.
Agree with Ray. This reads like an outline, even research, for a story. Set it in motion, we need story. You have some information but there is no sense of direction because we are not presented with a problem, someone or something to care about, or even an impending crisis of some sort. Although the last sentence does arouse curiosity and interest, it would be more powerful if there was some interaction between people - in other words, show us and don't tell us. Also, you have 9 lines here. Writing something deftly in 13 lines is difficult enough, why make it even more difficult by shorting yourself by 4 lines?
posted
I wouldn't ditch the opening -- just yet -- but it can be shortened. This suggestion is meant just to show how you can get the same good stuff in fewer lines.
In particular, you don't need (IMJ) to tell us what the story *isn't* about.
I am mildly hooked. I want to know why he's no longer at Digital Sentience.
In the time it takes me to write this entire account, you might be able to type a single letter. I am writing by means of a direct mind-machine interface.
My name is Nathan Hamlich. I am (or was) a computer programmer working for Digital Sentience Corporation.
posted
I know you love to make fun of me for being a overgrown flower, but I think your writing here is a bit too technical and stale. No need to make it melodramatic just make me care. And to care I have to feel something. Instead, this reads slightly like a biography (which I suppose you intended) so it doesn't catch me very well. I like the first sentence because you are immediatly like "wow, that's cool, how does he do that."
Maybe you should play with dropping this whole "biographical styled' thing and just start into the story (since I've read most of it, I think this might work). While the third Alvin Maker's book can get away with starting "Let me start my history..." you probrably can't. lol.
posted
It's an okay way to start, but there are a couple of problems. One is that the meaning of "letter" in the first line is ambiguous. Does it mean a single keypress? That's a pretty short amount of time, if this guy is a human using a neurological interface. He does have to frame the account in his own mind and deliver it successively as a language stream, after all. Or does it mean a letter like a missive? Well, it's more reasonable, but rather vague. How long a letter are we talking about here? If you're saying that his thought processes have been superaccelerated somehow...there are easier and more compelling ways to introduce that.
You've also got the tense wrong. "you might" should go with "you won't". More importantly, your narrator seems to be directly contradicting himself. Try rewording it..."If you're an extremely fast typist, that is."
And you're also calling this a mind-machine interface, which is a little vague in this context, since you may be suggesting that his mind itself is augmented somehow. Which raises the question of what you meam by "my computer."
In other words, while your opening paragraph is of an appropriate type for introducing a first person narration, it's a bit clumsy and poorly expressed. Nobody seems to like it, but I doubt that's because you're making a fundamental error. It just doesn't scan well.
posted
I'm kinda hooked so far, but it needs a bit of attention. The structure of both paragraphs seems a bit too similar with giving out some info & telling us which part we need to know about.
posted
I like the idea, but I have a big issue with the opening in that "I don't buy it."
The claim of writing the entire account versus typing a single letter: My problem is that in order to do either, the person still has to _think_ about what they are going to do, and that takes time. Even if they don't edit on the fly, editing is still necessary. I've spent more time thinking about what I've written here than it would've taken me to transcribe it off a sheet. This includes my acceptance of the 'direct mind-machine interface.'
My next issue would be with the opening paragraph in general. I would rather have that information introduced along the way. Clearly, though, that is an example of "You can't please everyone all the time."
posted
pjp...I've read all of what he's written and he gives a valid explanation later. It's science fiction. Science Fiction is all about the things we "don't buy into." If you don't buy it, then all that means is that he's got something interesting to hook you with.
Posts: 131 | Registered: Feb 2006
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