I look at it across the room, unplugged and echoeing from in the safe. I put my headphones on but the rings just become louder.
At first it was just silence, then it became someone speaking in my voice. Quoting things people had said to me that day and speaking in insane gibberish.
I turn to the TV and watch as someone who looks like me getting choked from behind. I turn around and there he is, the man on the other end. He looks like I do but he's beefed up and more handsome. He pulls a knife out of his pocket and raises it above his head. He screams through his laughs, "I'm finally the last one."
[This message has been edited by zipperhead409 (edited March 09, 2006).]
[This message has been edited by zipperhead409 (edited March 09, 2006).]
[This message has been edited by zipperhead409 (edited March 09, 2006).]
posted
Hmmm...kinda reads like Chuck Palahnuik after his been on horse tranquilisers for a week. I'm confused to be honest. The second line is the culprit, I had to re-read it several times and I'm still not sure who or what is sitting where. Is the MC sitting in the safe or the cage? Or is it the phone sitting in the safe and the MC in the cage? Perhaps I'm being a little obtuse here, forgive me.
The rest of it has a certain quirky charm that appeals to me, however, makes me want to know what the **?% is going on and why.
You may put some people off writing in 1st person present tense, though, personally I haven't got a problem with it as long as the writings good enough.
If you fix that second line I think I would be hooked enough to want to read on, if for nothing more than to find out why the MC is experiencing these apparitions or whatever.
posted
Sorry about the lack of info, I wanted to leave the reader in a "what the @#$% was that?" kind of a feeling.
I imagined having the main character attacked by a double of himself, the MC manages to beat his double but finds out before he kills him why the double came.
I'll add more details to even it out a bit, tell me what you think.
Chuck Paulaniuk on horse tranqulizers? I'm not sure whether I should take this as a compliment or a diss.
[This message has been edited by zipperhead409 (edited March 09, 2006).]
[This message has been edited by zipperhead409 (edited March 09, 2006).]
posted
Thing is, I don't *want* to feel like "what the @#$% was that?" Or, to clarify, I don't mind sharing MC's confusion, but I don't want to be confused about what he knows.
Posts: 2830 | Registered: Dec 2004
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posted
I don't know... maybe we share a twisted reality but I had no problem enjoying this as it stands. It is a great set up and kept me interested. Do I truly know what's going on here in the first thirteen lines? No. But I'm intrigued enough I'd read on. Having read your second post I'm not sure how much further I'd read though because opening with the unplugged ringing phone certainly makes me think this guy is losing his marbles but then in your second post it sounds like maybe this is really occurring to him. Confused yes, but curious enough to keep going.
I turn to the TV and watch as someone who looks like me getting choked from behind. --This line needs to be clenaed up, it is the only one I found more confusing than intriguing.--
I turn around and there he is, the man on the other end. --He knows this how?
[This message has been edited by spcpthook (edited March 11, 2006).]
posted
So, you want to open with a double of the MC attacking the MC? Well, then do that. Don't do that stupid crap involving the phone and the television, that only confuses people with what is really going on. If those two things are important, which I assume they are, then do a little more explaining as to what their purposes are. To me, the story is talking about a phone in a safe, a television with a tv show on it about a guy getting killed. Then some steroid-filled guy is trying to kill the MC for some reason.
Posts: 162 | Registered: Jun 2005
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posted
Well, you definitely succeeded with the "what the @#$@%% was that?". I asked myself that question when I read it, well, more like, what the heck is going on?
I kind of lost interest by the time I got to the last line because I spent too much time trying to figure out what the MC was seeing, what he was thinking (which wasn't really revealed), and how does he know who the person on the other end is to recognize him? Has he seen him before?
Over-all, I think that I wouldn't mind the story if the beginning were clearer. Maybe explain more about what has happened before that makes the MC act the way he does. It seems to me that he's trying to ignore the phone and I keep wanting to picture him in a safe... not sure that's what you wanted the reader to picture. Why the heck would he be in a safe in the first place? Sounds like he's losing it. Or that he's gone totally already.
I don't mind the "What the *&$%# was that" but until it's clearer I'm afriad I couldn't read on.
posted
I put my initial reactions in with your lines:
The phone rings again.
I look at it across the room, unplugged and echoeing from in the safe. My first thought: How can the MC see the phone if it is in a safe? You might want to rephrase that. Nice job putting me off-balance with the phone being unplugged. That's the initial hook, providing a hint to the nature of this story. I put my headphones on but the rings just become louder.
At first it was just silence, then it became someone speaking in my voice. What is it??? The phone ringing? This doesn't make sense. Quoting things people had said to me that day and speaking in insane gibberish.
I turn to the TV and watch as someone who looks like me getting Should be 'gets'. choked from behind. I turn around and there he is, the man on the other end. Soon I'll want to know how the MC knows this is 'the man on the other end.' And I'll want to know what the MC thinks that phrase means. He looks like I do but he's beefed up and more handsome. He pulls a knife out of his pocket and raises it above his head. He screams through his laughs, "I'm finally the last one."
[This message has been edited by apeiron (edited March 13, 2006).]
posted
There's a difference between not knowing what is going on because the MC doesn't know what's going on, and not knowing what's going on because the narration is unclear.
The first is fine, the second rather questionable, and certainly the construction of the second line made me think at first that it was the MC who was unplugged.... seriously, if the phone is in the wsafe, and the MC has put it there, then it would help to know why he's done this. It's not normal behaviour so you're dangerously close to concealing information here.
I like the sense of strangeness and mystery that you've got here, but I do think you need to be clearer in what you're telling us, so that we can identify the difference I've indicated above - what the MC knows and what he doesn't. Kind of like humour - we should be laughing (or confused) with the MC, not at him.
posted
I look at it across the room, unplugged and echoeing from in the safe.
I think the reason people have a problem with this sentence (besides my problem that he's seeing a phone that's behind the walls of a safe) is that 'unplugged' and 'echoeing' refer back to the room, based on how the sentence is constructed. This is a dangling or misplaced something or other--I can't remember anymore. How about:
I looked across the room at where the phone lay, unplugged and echoing from within the safe.
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