The more I revise this, the worse it seems to get, the less natural the wording. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dad's legacy influenced the lives of every human who ever was, is, or will be. Yet, in his lifetime, Dad's work on temporal mechanics passed unnoticed. When fame arrived, nobody remembered the illustrious Jacob Farmer as a tyrannical wife-beater. Few wondered why his wife killed herself or how his only child ended up an alcoholic failure. We weren't even mentioned.
I would've never excepted for Time to select me of all people. Prior to my calling, I was huddled in my spot, a scrap of cardboard beside a dumpster. The cardboard had made a nice box once. It didn’t take long for it to fall apart, just another thing I’d ruined. One paycheck, they say, well, if I’d had a paycheck back then, I would’ve have spent it all on booze.
[This message has been edited by ChrisOwens (edited March 09, 2006).]
posted
IMJ this is close; but it felt a little confusing at first. Yes: the wording was the problem. OSC's comment is that this always happens in revision. The solution is to throw this out and start it again fresh.
Other issue: paragraph 1 is about Dad's awful behavior; paragraph 2 is about MC's awful life. I know they're connected, but maybe it would be better to go to . . . no, I'll say this instead: when is the first scene set. Childhood? Then skip the cardboard box (for now). Adulthood? Then start with the cardboard box. Or maybe it's elsewhere.
posted
ChrisOwens, anytime something gets edited to death, the best thing to do is turn it over (if it's on a piece of paper), or open a new document (if it's on your computer screen), and write the thing from scratch.
You will remember and include the best parts, and you will tell it in your own words which have been informed by all of your rewrites, but it will be better than the first time you wrote it because of what you've learned since then, and it will be fresher than the version you have edited to death.
Don't try to rewrite it from memory, just try to write it all over again without looking at it. Write it anew, the way it should be written.
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited March 13, 2006).]
posted
Thanks. I've had cycles of progress and setbacks. Latley it looks like I'm on a downward cycle...
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I liked this start, and wasn't troubled by the scene switch, but try removing "We weren't even mentioned." from the end of parag 1. It seems out of place and unnecessary.
posted
"I would've never excepted for Time" this seems to catch me up. Doesn't seem to make much sense. Other than that, I don't really have a problem with it. I am a little puzzled as to what it's about though.
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posted
as a fellow halfway dislexic... do you mean "expected time?" Do I win the prize? All in all this a very interesting opening... or really... it sounds like it promises to be a very interesting story. I especially like the title.
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Chris, I LOVE the title. It immediately hooked me. I agree with the others though. Put this away and start over without referring to it. Works wonders.
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quote:ChrisOwens, anytime something gets edited to death, the best thing to do is turn it over (if it's on a piece of paper), or open a new document (if it's on your computer screen), and write the thing from scratch. You will remember and include the best parts, and you will tell it in your own words which have been informed by all of your rewrites, but it will be better than the first time you wrote it because of what you've learned since then, and it will be fresher than the version you have edited to death.
Don't try to rewrite it from memory, just try to write it all over again without looking at it. Write it anew, the way it should be written.
Excellent advice! I once lost over 50 pages of a manuscript when the disk I had it saved on went crackers. After throwing a self pity party, I sat down to re-write what had been lost. The re-write was far better than the original.
[This message has been edited by Salimasis (edited March 14, 2006).]
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Totally concur with Kathleen there. Sometimes you have to cut back to the last place in the text you were satisfied and then start over. Or rethink your logic. Or fix the plot problem. Or whatever. I've lost tons of pages doing this, once a whole four chapters of a novel, but I'm happier with the work. By the way, hey.
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posted
It is awkward, but the story survives the awkward phrasing and is already interesting. When it is revised, I suspect it's going to be VERY good.
The story really starts in the third sentence, "When fame arrived..." That the fame was related to work in temporal mechanics might be revealed in the last part of the paragraph.
I find the phrase "Prior to my calling..." to be confusing, as it seems to refer to the narrator being contacted by Time (are you referring to the magazine?), but how did they call? Especially if he was homeless.
I like the descriptions in the last few sentences, but you might need a sentence break between "they say" and "well."
I'm looking forward to see the revisions, and the rest of the story.
I redid this in 3rd person, it's going through Critters now. So far most the crits have been positive, even a suprisingly positive one from a 2nd place winner in one of the WOTF quarters. After a few adjustments and a throurough scouring of typo and punctiontion errors, I plan to send it out.
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