posted
This sound like good story material to any of you. If it matters, it's the start of a short story, in case that's suppose to affect pace at all:
“If I go with you to the station today will you promise to stop hassling the community centre?”
The Guard didn’t seem interested in making deals. He just gave Cadell a look of indictment and said, “I promise nothing. Don’t pretend you aren’t a thief and carrying on as if you deserve to be negotiated with. Just come to the Guardian and we’ll work something out there.”
The argument over the self defense class he wanted to teach there didn't surprise Cadell. The requirements to do something so simple in the overcrowded, over-policed south of London were unbelievable. They only expected him of being a thief because he was an out-of-towner. That and his unhonourable discharge from the National Guard two years back. There was some real bad blood there.
[This message has been edited by rustafarianblackpolarbear (edited March 10, 2006).]
posted
This does read like a potentially good story... What I think requires changing are: The first line, it reads wrong, it definately needs work! You should use 'suspected' not 'expected' about the MC's situation. Do you mean that the MC was a 'Guard' just like the one who is confronting him? If so this needs to be clear to the reader. If not then its a whoops from me Otherwise the scene seems set... Best Wishes John Mc...
Posts: 140 | Registered: Jan 2006
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posted
I can't tell what's happening -- where they are, or what they're talking about. What community center? What's a Guardian, or a Guard? How do these things relate?
Posts: 2830 | Registered: Dec 2004
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posted
Thanks for the help. the following is the first thirteen of the new draft, which so far isn't actually that much more than thirteen lines:
quote:The argument over the self defense class he wanted to teach at the not–for–profit South London community centre didn’t surprise Cadell.
Cadell had no reason not to co-operate with the former comrade-in-crime who’d come here probably just out of spite. “If I go with you to the Guardian today, will you stop coming to the community centre?”
Nothing would be agreed upon here today, thought Cadell, except that he would be going to the Guardian.
The Guard, Heeram Yosieya, gave Cadell a look of indictment “I’ll promise nothing here. Come to the Guardian and we might just work something out there. You know the law’s in my favour. There’s no point resisting.”
[This message has been edited by rustafarianblackpolarbear (edited March 11, 2006).]
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited March 11, 2006).]
posted
The last sentence, about the self defense course, feels out of place. Perhaps if the argument over the course was at the begining or explained better it wouldn't feel so jarring.
Posts: 303 | Registered: Mar 2006
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posted
There are way too many capitalized words and very little set-up for what is going on. Plus, the first and second halves of the piece don't seem to fit properly. I think there is potential, but it felt like you tried to cram three pages worth of info into these thirteen lines and cut out a lot of important details and material.
P.S. Is Cadell the thief, or are there three people in this scene?
The argument over the self defense class he wanted to teach at the not–for–profit South London community centre didn’t surprise Cadell.
Cadell had no reason not to co-operate with Heeram Yoseiya, the former comrade-in-crime who’d come here probably just out of spite. “If I go with you to the Guardian today, will you stop coming to the community centre?” The Guardian was such-and-such, and Heeram wanted them to go for such-and-such reason. Heeram thought the law was on his side for such-and-such reason. ...
posted
It doesn't even seem like an arguement to me, really. Not sure that's what it should seem to be.
Posts: 62 | Registered: Jan 2006
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posted
There's too much in this that's jarring; the here-and-now concepts of south London, community centres, self-defence classes... and then this talk of Guards, Guardians and National Guard, something that simply doesn't eist in the UK (and I'm assuming we're in London, England, not London, Ontario, but hey, could be wrong there too). I think I need a clearer flag of where/when this is really set - I'm making an assumption that it's the future, but it's really hard to be sure.
I'm not sure you need to be quite as informative as wbriggs is suggesting in layign things out, but you need to find a balance between making us clear on who the POV character is, the nature of his relationship with Heearm (and "authority" as a whole), while entertaining us with a story rather than dumping us with a bunch of information.
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