Before I do, I need some opinions on the first scene of the novel as it now stands. It's in rough draft form, so I only want general impressions, most importantly impressions of the MC (like? dislike? don't care? good gosh, he's boring? etc.) and whether or not you would keep reading.

It's fantasy: the scene is abt 1,300 words (by Word's count).

Here's the first thirteen I currently have (and please remember this is in rough draft form).

***

Doran closed his eyes, focusing on the magic that flowed through the water in the crystal glass. Images of opaque-white waves danced along his inner eye as he followed those waves of magic to their source, far to the south of West New Jersey, beyond the Colonies. When he found where the magic came from, he smiled. The magic hummed from inside a cave within Spain's territory of Mexico just as he had predicted. He frowned. They would need to create a gate. Would Hoyt, his student, be able to travel through a gate? If not, that meant dealing with that artless, rude-growing varlet and his resentment for months instead of days.

He stifled a groan at the thought then stifled the thought itself.

***

Would also like to add that I'm more than happy to give critiques to those who critique me. Just send me the story (any story) via email... no warning, no nothing.

Your MC sounds likeable enough, nothing really in your first 13 has me going either way. I definately would read more of this to make a decision on that.

It does seem rather heavy on the description detail though and had me questioning what kind of magic he might be trying to sense and why.

I take it also that this is story from Colonial America, which makes it intriguing and different from the usual fantasy out there.

He stifled a groan at the thought then stifled the thought itself.
**

I dont personally like how your telling what happens and not showing it. I think there should be a LOT more detail and I think it should be showing vs. telling.

He stifled a groan at the thought then stifled the thought itself. : First off, there needs to be a comma after the first thought. Also, stifled isnt the right word for "then stifled the thought itslef"

Images of opaque-white waves : I dont think you need the opaque part.

Would Hoyt, his student,: Just showing you how your telling instead of showing. You could have him say something (Hoyt I mean,) to the main character and use the word sensei or teacher or master or something!

plumeh: I'm not quite sure what to make of your posts. Are you saying there are some flaws, but you like it anyway?

eclectic skeptic and plumeh: This is the most I can stretch this particular scene out. In fact, this scene only exists to set up the events that happen later (a bad sign).

I wrote a different opening scene last year (still in rough draft form) that I enjoy more but scrapped because I was working with a different setting at the time. It has more action and emphasizes the interaction between the protag and antag, but I feel it also emphasizes my MC's arrogance (after the first thirteen). I'm afraid that will turn a bunch of readers off.

However, I might use it as a later scene if I change the starting point for the story (the structure I'm considering using is similar to the TV series Lost in many ways).

I guess I'll go ahead and post the first thirteen of that as well. Let me know if you like this better.

Alternate Opening (no word count on this one):

Doran folded his arms as Hoyt -- hopefully the last student of his career -- neared the zenith of the spell. Not a bit of sweat on Hoyt's brow and he spoke the words with the bravado that marked adult children of the rich and careless. Doran waited for Hoyt to show any sign of concentration at all, not expecting any; it was a difficult spell for an apprentice and Doran knew Hoyt would fail spectacularly. Maybe the humiliation would sting his pride enough to get him studying again.

Hoyt shouted the key word, arms spread wide, voice ringing through the still forest air like a man on stage delivering the most important line in the play.

Nothing.

Who, among those who've responded, wants to read the first scene I posted, in its entirety? In reading the comments I just now realized that those who are saying they liked it, might be saying they wanted to read the whole scene.

Overall, I liked it. I'm a little too busy and tired for a fll critique right now, but maybe once you've rewritten this piece I'll contribute.

Both openings are a little confusing, and you're just not telling (or showing) us enough, but the setting is interesting enuf to keep someone want to read on.

That means I'll be throwing out both beginnings.

Vatyma, if you still want to read, I'll send you the first beginning, but I'm not going to be working any further with it.