posted
Just comments on first thirteen for now. Sci-fic About 7000 words.
quote:
Jack Ribbon was excused from PSE because he'd only recently arrived on Næring and hadn’t acclimatized yet. Gee Kilfaddy was excused too, but that was because he was fat and had a heart murmur. The two sat silently for an hour each day in the shade of the Edmac building while their classmates exercised on the field. After a week of silence Kilfaddy asked, “So, you’re from Earth?” Jack nodded. Here we go. Kilfaddy seemed nervous. 'Ever seen any dead bodies?’ he asked. Jack took a closer look at the soft, untidy boy. What does this kid want to hear.
[This message has been edited by hoptoad (edited March 22, 2006).]
posted
Small nit first: To me PSE means personal and social education whereas I know to you it means Physical and social ed. Maybe give it the full name instead of the abbreviation.
I find it hard to believe that it would take them a week to strike up a conversation unless there was something intimidating about Jack. So I've now got him down as some sort of sociopath. If this is correct then that's all right
Another nit: Don't mix Jack's actions/observations with Gee's speech especiall as we haven't a strong POV just yet. A separate paragraph for each will help us establish POV.
I know we're about to get another info dump in the next few lines. This conversation is obviously leading there. Which means this whole intro is an infodump. Are you starting in the right place? If you do start here, to me establishing the character through this opening would be more important than just giving info, especially considering the length of the piece.
Other than that, there is enough here to interest me. I'd like to know where tje conversation leads and what this all has to do with Jack.
posted
The content here is really interesting, so on that basis I would keep reading. The first sentence sort of bugs me though since I don't know what the nouns are. I would write out what PSE stands for and I would also give a word or two explaining what Næring is (the planet Næring, the Næring base...) Also, is the Edmac building a sports building? This is less of a problem for me since at least I know it is a building, but I am curious.
The rest I like. I love how you say quite simply that the kid "was fat and had a heart murmur." Your writing is straight forward and easy to understand.
posted
I would keep reading, although I agree with both the suggestion to spell out the first acronymn and to separate Jack's thoughts and Gee's speech into two different paragraphs. It's definitely got a hook.
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posted
Joining the chorus. I would keep reading even with the small nits previously posted. When you are ready for a reader for the rest, let me know.
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posted
You've gotten this point, by now, I'm sure, but PSE means nothing to me, even given the content of your first 13. I had no clue what the acronym is supposed to mean, and still wouldn't know if it hadn't been for yanos. The solution to this dilema has been presented in suggestions to others.
The name "Gee" threw me off. That word is a soften form of the curse "Jesus", and it took me a few beats to figure out it was the character's first name. A small nit, but just be aware that is the effect of this particular name.
I would suggest starting a new paragraph at: "After a week of silence..." as it really is the start of a new thought/action.
And don't forget that even internal monologue is not exempt from the rules of punctuation. You need a question mark at the end of "What does this kid want to hear?"
I was intrigued by this opener. I don't know why, but it conveys a little essence of Lord of the Flies to me. Perhaps because the "soft, untidy boy" reminded me of Piggy. Good start.
posted
It's usually just called PE in the States, we don't officially sanction the social aspect. That seems like an important element of the story, so I suggest expanding the acronym rather than changing the name.
I liked it, but you don't establish POV very well till "Here we go." And as some have noted, using a mental quote to introduce the POV is a little jarring. It should also be noted that we can't say with certainty, at that line, that this is Jack's thought rather than Gee's.
Gee's name is also a minor point. It sounds like corrupted Gaelic or something, which fits with the name of the planet, but it seems likely to be difficult for some people. I didn't mind, though. You probably know what you're doing there (as much as anyone can, I mean).
The main implication, that there is a huge cultural divide between Earth and Næring despite superficial similarities, is supported well enough by the current text, but you could have made it a little more clear by introducing Jack's POV a little more clearly in the first paragraph. That would also have helped with any overseas difficulty in understanding "PSE". I think that you put the nature of that difference into brilliant focus with the "you're from Earth, so you must have seen a lot of dead bodies" bit, and Jack's expectation of it. But it might also benefit from a softer lead-in, not everyone seems to have been ready for it and I can see why.
posted
Hey thanks guys. I'm not too far away with this one so am grateful for the encouragement. I will sort out the PSE (Physical Social Ed.) thing and the dialogue/action/internal dialogue. Maybe changing the spelling of Gee's name will help, perhaps Ghi or Ghee ( I'd prefer it to be pronounced with a hard G. )
posted
My suggestion is to do an internet search on any variation of the name you come up with, just to make sure the connotations of the name will not work against you. Ghee, of course, is an Indian food... it's clarified butter. If you want your character to be thought of as "the butter kid" then it works.
After realizing I'd inadvertently given my entire "world" the same name as a Japanese anime character, I came to believe that running a search on any major character or world name is essential to identify and/or prevent a foolish, unintentional association.
posted
My first thought when I read the first sentence was that we were on a military base and PSE was some kind of military thing. I put it together as I read.
In line with that reaction, though, I wouldn't mind some firmer clue that Naering was a planet...this has always been a sticking point for me scifi-wise. Once the scifi is established there is more leeway but right up front I'd like just a hint of a clue..could add richness to the world as well. Perhaps he hadn't acclimatd to the heavier gravity? How much heavier? Or lighter? Or perhaps some gas in the air he's not used to? Or the sunlight is strange and he shouldn't be out in it? Whatever the dteails are, I think they would add a whole world to your story in the very first sentence.
Just for the record, I had no problem with them not talking for a week. It seemed perfectly in line with what I've seen in school and in real life for that matter...two people, neither of them leaders or particularly outgoing, and finally one starts up a conversation (or maybe they never do.) In fact, *I* would be quite likely to do this so I'm really have a problem with the sociopath idea.
posted
This is a good beginning. I agree with the nits that have been mentioned regarded PSE and point of view, but it wouldn't keep me from reading further into the story.
posted
I love it! As far as I know, the general rule is that you break up thoughts like you break up speech and action--if 'Here we go' is in the same line with Jack nodding, it's his thought.
Things I like about the intro: -any terms I didn't know (PSE, Naering, Edmac) I was able to quickly discern from context -character names are memorable but not unrealistic -great style -the hook: the fact that it is uncommon to find someone from earth and that being from there could imply the common sight of dead people
Things I didn't like: -not a thing in the first 13
[This message has been edited by apeiron (edited March 24, 2006).]
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