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Finally, I've finished something that I think might have potential. This is a romantic ghost story, i guess. It's about 5800 words. I'm looking for comments on the first 13 and readers for the whole thing. Also the title is only a working one. Any full critiquers that can come up with a better one will have my gratitude.
--Crot
On Cumberland’s southeastern beach, Jason pressed his face into Katrina Hale’s damp, salty hair. Breathing in the sea, the life. He listened to the surf--sighs breaking on the shores of his heart--and whispered three words for the first time.
“I was wondering if you’d ever admit it.” She turned to face him. “I’ve got something for you.”
Jason smiled. So like Katrina, to answer his confession with the tangible. Where he had trouble just talking, she openly expressed.
She went to the skirt of her bathing suit, found its pocket and pulled forth a slim, leather cord. A charm, like the letter M, dangled askew--winging skyward.
“An albatross,” she said.
[This message has been edited by Crotalus@work (edited March 23, 2006).]
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"On Cumberland’s southeastern beach, Jason pressed his face into Katrina Hale’s damp, salty hair."
Why do you mention Katrina's last name but not Jasons? Nit-pickhy, but IMHO the first sentence has to achieve a perfection that none of the others do. This first sentence feels a bit...lopsided. There's the name and also, the location is distracting. It doesn't quite set the stage but given the romantic feel you're going for, I feel you may want to put a little more emphasis on the (I assume) romantic surroudnings...moonlit beach? Sighs? Sounds? Smells? (Smells are particularly romantic.)
" Breathing in the sea, the life."
This is not a complete sentence.
" He listened to the surf--sighs breaking on the shores of his heart"
In my humble opinion, this is even sappy for the romance genre. It made me want to gag. It's too much, I think...but perhaps others will think differently.
"--and whispered three words for the first time."
I know what words you mean (after thinking about it for a bit) but wouldn't it be better to just write them down for us? The seconds it took for me to put together what you meant interrupted the story for me.
"Where he had trouble just talking, she openly expressed."
express what...? This doesn't feel like a complete thought. This is an opportunity to drop something salient about the two lovebirds, something that can make them truly come alive.
*******************
All nitpicks, but there they are. Otherwise, I think you have a strong start for a romantic piece.
This sentence fragment threw me off. I think you can combine it with either the previous or the following sentence so that it's not just floating around.
I'm going to politely disagree with Christine about typing the three words down. I think "I love you" is corny in a story, almost no matter what. You can get away with it occasionally, but here I think it's much better not to write them out explicitly. The idea is a lot nicer than the over used words themselves.
I'll read if you like. Email it to snowfire16@aol.com.
[This message has been edited by Ico (edited March 23, 2006).]
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Ico: You are, of course, entitled to your opinion but the fact is that the words may be corny, but it is that much more corny to say the words WITHOUT saying them. Posts: 3567 | Registered: May 2003
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Christine, on this we'll just have to agree to disagree. :P I personally cringe at almost every "I love you" I read on a page or hear at a cinema, but to each her own. Posts: 39 | Registered: Mar 2006
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Hi, It sounds like Rime of the Ancient Mariner territory, the albatross around the neck thing.
Sometimes words like 'pulled forth' make me wonder what time and place you're trying to evoke. I don't know where you are located Crotalus, but I wonder whether this is Cumberland in England? If it is, the southeast beach is probably looking out into Morecambe bay. I wouldn't want to smell like Morcambe Bay, all mudflats, whelks and old ladies wading for cockles.
I might be wrong though.
[This message has been edited by hoptoad (edited March 23, 2006).]
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'I love you' in the first thirteen would be a HUGE red flag to me. I'd put down the book/story etc. I just don't care about the character's yet, especially when the 'declaration' is followed-up with such a blasé response. I would think, 'oh no another emotionally crippled man who finds it hard to express his feelings shackled to a smarmy woman who thinks her feelings are the centre of the universe' story. A cliché alarm is ringing in my head as I type, or is that just the voices again?
[This message has been edited by hoptoad (edited March 23, 2006).]
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I find it clear and consistent, but there's something about it that's not grabbing me. And on reflection I know what it is: we know that MC says the L-word for the first time, and we sort of get that he means it, but . . . what is he feeling? Is he scared of commitment? Needy? Confident? Overwhelmed with her? What's the significance of this scene to him? We can guess, but our guesses might be different.
Posts: 2830 | Registered: Dec 2004
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I appreciate all comments and will make changes based on some of them, I'm sure. Silver, Ico, and Pixydust, I have just emailed you the story. Thanks for looking at it!
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And hoptoad, the location is Cumberland Island. I probably will reword it to make that clear. Cumberland is off the coast of Georgia, USA. An intriguing place. Google it, there's lot of story fodder.
And you're right about the 'RotAM' reference. It's intentional foreshadowing.
[This message has been edited by Crotalus@work (edited March 24, 2006).]
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On "I love you" (or whatever he's supposed to have said here) I could go either way. It isn't something I can easily stick my nose into, because I don't understand what those three words are supposed to mean (if anything) when whispered between human lovers. Over all, I don't think that it really matters whether you specify the words or not. I didn't care what he said, but was slightly annoyed that you didn't actually say what it was. Others might feel differently.
I had a little bit of a problem with the fact that Katrina is entirely passive during the first paragraph. That's probably what forced you to specify her last name, which wasn't so effective at making the opening work. If "Hale" is foreshadowing, we can get it later, right now the albatross round his neck thing is far too much to admit any other hints.
I think that you need to give us a little more space seeing why he loves her before you hit us with the albatross. As the opening stands, I don't have any confidence that the characters are anything other than props.
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I like this and I'd like to read more. Two points: I would not say she "went" to the skirt of her bathing suit--can you be more clear? Make it clear that her hand is moving somewhere, but she isn't.
Also, I'm assuming this is set in a fantasty realm, or at least set in a time a good bit earlier than our own. A woman with a "skirt" on her bathing suit in our time is not going to be a young woman (then again, if this is about an older woman, that makes it interesting too). I think a one-piece bathing suit is fairly conservative in our time for young women. (but now I want to know more about the time/setting/age of the woman...if you send it along to me, I'll read it).
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I'd be happy to send to both of you. I'm in the midst of moving though, so if you do a critique it will probably be a week or more before I see it. And Emily it is set in modern day, but I can see why you'd think differently. I've already started editing from input of other crits, so what you'll be seeing is the second draft. It's still not where I want it, so I will definitely take any new advice into consideration. Also, my Crotalus@work email no longer functions. Respond to the email for this profile.
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In the first sentence I would lose Katrina's last name. It doesn't sound right with plain old Jason right before. However, if you want to keep it, perhaps you should have Jason wonder as he's breathing in the sea if Katrina Hale would be interested in becoming Katrina (Jason's last name). Then we have a reason for keeping her last name in the story.
The breathing in the sea...is not a sentence, but leaving it the way it is I don't think distracts from the story. Your adding a power to those words which works for me. My husband does that quite frequently with his writing.
The surf--sighs...line is a bit flowery. Him not actually saying I love you, I like that. Leaves the message to the reader to wonder, which I think adds nice flavor to the writing.
Where he had trouble...I would just cut that line. It doesn't flow with the paragraph.
She went to the skirt...? Surely by the use of the word went it is not on her body but somewhere else on the beach. Not the case? then went needs to be a different word. Is this a skirt over the suit or is this one of those matching wraps that clip over bikinis, which are rather fashionable these days? The charm, like the letter M...? is odd sounding.
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