posted
Just something I've been working on. Don't know how long it's going to be. This is a part when it describes the room a man wakes up in. I just want to know if it paints the picture in your head. Other comments are welcomed.
At that moment, Greg’s grinning face came between the picture and me. “Wakey-wakey, eggs and bakey, breakfast is ready!” His head disappeared from view, and I yelped in surprise as he slapped my naked belly in a drum role. “Come on, it’s time to kill some monsters.”
Monsters? Monsters! Like a flood, the memories came into my head. My duty, Emily McArthur, the creature that was stalking her…heavens above, I hope I wasn’t too late!
I sat up and jumped off the green marble slab. There were ninety nine other marble beds, all arranged in a circle pointing towards the nine foot statue in the middle: an angel opening its arms to the heavens and it’s white robe transforming into the square base upon which it stood. Latin was engraved into the
[This message has been edited by Storygiver (edited March 25, 2006).]
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited March 25, 2006).]
posted
I think this is a good start. However, I feel as though you may be trying to pack too much in too quickly.
Just a suggestion: I like all before "My duty, Emily McArthur" as a quick start. The information about Emily and the quick picture of the living arrangements may be important and need to be included later in the first chapter. However (and this is where I get to the point), you may be able to more effectively bring in the reader by expounding on the memories that comes flooding into his head.
posted
My biggest problem with this is that I feel a great inconsistency between the dialogue and the setting. Perhaps I am just getting stuck in classical fantasy style, but that type of dialogue doesn't seem to fit the whole idea of fighting monsters and sleeping on marble slates.
Posts: 131 | Registered: Feb 2006
| IP: Logged |
Is this the first 13 or somewhere else in the story??? It makes a huge difference. If it's the first 13 then you are starting too fast and leaving the reader confused. If it is somewhere else, let us know that and a summary of what happened before so we can anchor ourselves in your world before trying to critique a section.
Printer-friendly view of this topic
