posted
This a mixed genre novel (horror/romance/urban fantasy), about 100,000 words in length. I am interested in having the opening paragraph critiqued. Mainly, I am wondering if this has enough draw to keep you reading?
Chapter One 1770
The darkness was beginning to recede from the land when Jallend swung his leg over the side of Shiver, jumping off the pitch-black steed with the haughtiness of an expert rider. He patted the horse on the rump before walking over to a slender knotted stump on the side of the road where a newly fashioned sign dangled. Burned in the light wood was the word Newlander.
posted
You've identified a specific moment, morning, when Jallend swings his leg over the side of the horse. This is going to sound picky but it seems like you are not telling us something. Was he riding all night and at this moment he stopped?
The second clause "..,jumping..." might be better as a start to a new sentence: "He jumped off the...".
The rump patting seemed unnecessary, especially to the horse and I am not sure how a sign can dangle from a stump.
It was a little a short to get completely hooked but I found it an interesting start and I would like to read more.
posted
I want to already know who he is and why he's here with that horse. What you have is fine, to me, but I can't be interested until I know what's up.
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posted
A good start. My only issue was with the use of the word rump. When I've seen similar things in movies, I think of it as the "hind quarter" more than the rump.
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posted
Thanks guys. Comments so far read like "sound" advice.
FastCat -- Yes he did ride all night and finally made it to town. Maybe that should be more clear. Putting "Jumping" into a "he jumped sentence" just doesn't read right to me. How bout if I change the word "jumping" to "dismounting the pitch-black steed..."
As to the sign conflict -- you guys made a valid point. I will make it clear that it is on hooks dangling from a post just off the side of the road.
And anyone wanting to read more can. Just visit my blog http://gigglewrks.blogspot.com/ The prologue and Chapter one are under the section Sample the goods -- Murmurs of the Mad.
Thanks again. I'm rushing off to make the changes.
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If your blog is "public access" (i.e. not password-protected, then by showing the prologue and first chapter you are, effectively, publishing your work. You may want to rethink this (see the reasons on why the "First 13" only is allowed on this site).
My only commenton your prose it that it does read as adjective-heavy. The steed is "piptch-black", the knotted stump is "slender" (and I can't visualise that combination easily, knotted implies thick and gnarled to me - also, I think of "stump" as being very short, but a sign dangles from it), the sign is "newly fashioned", the wood is "light"... Sometimes it's best to let nouns stand on their own, particularly if they aren't actually important.
posted
Okay I have a rewrite. Is it okay to post it here or should I edit the original post? I'm sure if I do it wrong some one will correct it. ********* The darkness had just begun to recede from the land when Jallend yanked hard against Shiver’s reins, forcing the horse to stop dead in his tracks. Anxious sounds of prancing hooves and heavy breathing chopped into the early morning silence.
“There it is.” Jallend sighed with relief, looking off to the side of the road that was still black with shadow. He leapt from the saddle with the haughtiness of an expert rider, and walked over to the newly fashioned sign that dangled from a hand-carved post on two steel hooks. Burned into the light wood was the word Newlander. ************
About my blog -- as far as my understanding goes, which I will confess is limited, I've been told by several agents and publishers that as long as I don't post to much of my stories, giving away anything more than a "Sample" of my writing or a "blurb" I should be fine. I do have to worry about thiefs stealing my ideas, but as someone once said, "every story has already been written, just the wording changes." So I figure, I have nothing to worry about.
posted
I like this version much better than the first. Two comments still. He forced the horse to stop dead in his tracks doesn't mesh with the sound of prancing hooves in the next line. Stop dead sounds too final too hit the brakes and motion ceased. I know a lot of horses will prance after being halted but if he's galloped all night like I think I read in an earlier post he would have given up prancing in eagerness hours ago.
Second--an expert rider doesn't leap from the saddle. At one point you mentioned dismounted which is the proper word. If your going for panache I'd try 'swung'.
One other thought that struck me. Is the sign his destination? If not it seems a waste of time for someone who's hurrying to dismount to go read it.
[This message has been edited by spcpthook (edited March 30, 2006).]
posted
Your second attempt is better, but is still adjective heavy.
Technically, a rider that has ridden all night I don't picture as "leaping," from the saddle, more like "slid." Nor do I think that his horse would be prancing, the poor horse would be as exhausted as his rider.
It does make me curious as to what may be happening in the next 13 lines or so. Good luck with it.
Check out the "Please Read Here First." topic for all sorts of useful stuff about posting, it is a big help for us newbies.
posted
I have read over the "before you Post" section. Maybe I missed it, but I didn't see anything pertaining to the format about "reposting an updated version of the same piece". Did I miss it?
I was more interested in the second version because you are telling me more about what is happening so I can understand more why the MC (Jallend) is where he is. I would read on.
I tend to agree that you are trying to describe the area in too much detail. Toggle back on the adjectives and let the reader's imagination do the work. You just told us that the night was beginning to lift so you don't need to tell us again a paragraph later that the "road was still black with shadow."
On the horse stuff, I am an experienced rider with horses in my front yard, I don't dismount "haughtily." I am not sure you can even do that. I * think * you are referring to when a rider swings the right leg over the saddle and drops to the ground in one smooth motion - that is more of a practiced ease kind of move or an emergency dismount. No rider regardless of how experienced or expert is cavaler about riding or dismounting. Also, if Jallend has been riding hard all night as implied by the "heavy breathing" there would be no vaulting from the saddle. Even the best rider's feet go a bit numb when they've been in the saddle for hours or been riding hard. Coming down fast from the saddle after being there for a while can HURT so take the fact that neither your rider nor horse will be fresh after riding all night.
I liked the image of yanking the reighs (although all riding instructors who read it will cringe ) but "hard" is implied by yanked. Also, when I've yanked a horse to a stop, he/she has protested by either jerking his/her head up or whinnying.
When the horse stops, he is not going to prance. Unless there is a predator around the horse will not be "anxious." He will "blow" which is the noise a horse makes when he releases a deep breath or is trying to catch his breath.
Other than the horse/rider issues, the second paragraph worked very well.
posted
As a rider, I don't agree with the 'leapt'. I liked the other way better and would have changed the verbs. ________________ "...Jallend swung his leg over the side of Shiver. He hopped down haughtily and walked over to a knotted stump on the side of the road. Burned into the light wood of the sign that dangled there was the word Newlander." ______________ I cut out a few other words as well. just MHO.
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posted
I like this a lot, and I would like to read more if you will send it--but I have (yet another) horse comment: having grown up having and showing horses, I can tell you that nothing screams "I know nothing about horses" like hearing someone describe a horse as "white" or "black" (and there are no degrees of black—registries are really strict about color accuracy in horses—so one black horse is the same color as another black horse; no need to apply description to the black). True white horses and true black horses are rare, and in the equestrian world, a horse that a non-equestrian calls "black" is--usually--actually a very dark bay. (just as horses that non-equestrians call "white" are usually truly gray--the only type of horse that will have "white" listed on its registration papers is an albino--pink or blue eyes--horse). Black horses are rare in most of the light breeds that one would use to gallop all night. I would change it to "dark bay" if this man is an "expert rider." Also, an “expert rider” never “jumps” off or in the vicinity of his horse, but I see other equestrians have that one covered.
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posted
Color of horses did matter in the 1770's. Not like today. In old letters I found at the tribal offices, addressed to various non-indian military leaders, it was stated that white horses were the only ones the soldiers could ride -- pure white. All other colors, no matter the ability of the steed, were considered work horses.
I thought that was an interesting bit of history not found in any of the books.
posted
It's a bit of BS intended to cheat someone out of a fair price, that's what it was. Or somebody's lame-brained idea of an anti-theft measure.
The narrative is structured correctly, but Jallend's horsemanship does not impress me thus far. He mishandles the reins, making his mount nervous and jumpy. Rather than dismounting properly, he leaps off without any further sign of concern for his mount. I suppose that he imagines his hauteur is that of an expert rider, but really it seems more likely the affectation of someone who can afford new mounts fairly often.
I'm not an expert rider or anything, though. I just don't like the guy's attitude. But if that's the character, it sorta works. He does stretch credability, both with his ability to ride all night without apparently feeling anything and his utter disregard for his mount, but both could be interesting.
So far they aren't, they're merely unbelievable. More POV information could help tell us who this guy thinks he is. A few concessions to reality could give us more confidence in the milieu. The language seems nearly there, a few tweaks and wordings is all.
posted
That's a good point, Survivor. Even if he began with a "hauteur" that compelled him to "jump" from his horse, I bet he would become considerably more humble and careful after he saw what happened. Reins aren't long enough that, when they are over the horse's neck as they would be when riding, one can afford to really jump without causing the horse to shy violently, or at least to be really irate at having his mouth jerked.
The breed and thus colour of horse would depend on what kind of soldier he is and what country he is from. Our heavy draft horses, like Percherons, are originally bred to carry knights (coz armour weighed a lot) into battle, but if you were an Arab riding in a hot desert (and NOT in heavy metal armour), you would ride a small, light horse like an Arabian (fyi, every registered horse of the Thoroughbred breed can be traced back to one of three Arabian horses--pedigree really was important long ago, maybe even more so than today; purebred horses' pedigrees can be traced back hundreds of years, and longer for Arabians. If you missed a link somewhere, your horses decrease in value).
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