I never had the pleasure to meet Onwa, and—if all came out as planned by the Healers—it would stay that way. He, beside myself, had a different composure from the rest of the men. His back was arched and his head bowed in humbleness. Underneath Onwa’s knees was a blue satin cushion; one of the various perks of committing hara-kiri. With its color and comfort, I was not surprised if Onwa felt like Emperor of Japan in front of all these men. Even from my position in the tenth seating row—the farthest back—I could sense his stubborn desire to earn honor.
Disgusting.
No, he is earning all that he can in Han’ei, whispered a voice in my head. Give him respect. He deserves that in the least.
The Coliseum was exactly what it was called: a coliseum—large
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited April 04, 2006).]
posted
Who's Onwa? Who's the narrator? Who are the men? Why doesn't the narrator want to meet Onwa? (Is that likely, given that Onwa is about to kill himself?) How does the narrator know that Onwa feels like the Emporer, and what does it mean to feel like the Emporer?
This would be easily remedied. "I don't know why I, VP for finance of GrandPoobahbishi Corp., was invited to watch Onwa, our CEO, kill himself. I never liked him. He used to give me swirlies."
posted
I have to agree with Mr. Briggs in that we don't get much of a sense of the POV character here. I like the premise, but this opening didn't paint a very clear picture for me. I'm not entirely sure why -- perhaps it's just too early for me to be awake.
Also, while I appreciate a fantasy story (which, by the way, at 17000 words, is by no means a short story) set in the East, the use of the word Coliseum felt out of place. It seems to imply a Roman/Italian setting. Perhaps just Amphitheater? Anyway, that's nitpicky.
To sum: more character, a bit more clarity, but overall, I like where you're going.
posted
Some good points to be sure, but I liked the mystery in the beginning. It made me want to read more, or know more. I would imagine the following paragraphs could clarify things a bit.
And this is really nit-picky, but the third sentence could be rephased to show more action: "His arched back and head bowed in humbleness"
See, nit-picky. Otherwise good. I'd be interested in reading more.
posted
The MC states that Onwa and himself both have different composures. However, we are not privy to the importance of why the MC has a different composure. (Nor does it seem particularly necessary at this exact juncture).
From "Disgusting." on down I was lost. I wasn't sure if it was dialogue, thoughts, or something else.
Who are the Healers? Who is Onwa? Why did they never meet before? Why is he committing ritual suicide? Why is the MC sitting in the last row?
All are pretty good questions to be brought up in a hook. The story definitely seems to be starting "at the beginning". We are on the verge of a significant event about to unfold that also has meaning to the MC.
The choice of the cushion and likening it to feeling like the Emperor of Japan was interesting. I liked it.
There are only a couple of things that prevent me from wanting to read more. Passive verbs.
I never had all came out would stay He had back was arched knees was I was not surprised I could sense
I don't relish the prospect of reading 17,000 words full of passive verbs.
posted
Snowden, you are a life savior. I've wrote this story about a year ago, and now i am revising it. I read it over and over again, but i couldn't see why it wasn't reading smoothly. THANK YOU! It sucks when you having something good, but it's not good. I hope you know what i mean by that.
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posted
There are some clarity issues. It's not all a parsing level thing either, I think you're being unclear on purpose. The thought doesn't enthuse me.
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