posted
The Weapon is the second story in what has become a trilogy, though it was actually the third written.
The manuscript is complete and has gone through two full revisions, mostly for flow and brevity (if a 95,000-word manuscript can claim to have any brevity at all).
Thanks in advance for any feedback.
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Captain Seline Alexander realized too late that her ship, the KDFS Capetown, wouldn't evade the enemy this time. She'd been too preoccupied with the precise, rapid-fire way they knocked out every gun emplacement, fused every launch tube, disabled every defense field generator.... Worse, she'd waited too long to divert reactor power from the regular engine to the jump drive. Now, Capetown's engine was dead, they were adrift, and probably had only seconds before the ship was boarded.
"Lukas, accelerate our rotation -- don't give them a stationary surface to connect to." The dreaded Ders-Kaji deadener had killed their engine, but exhaust from the control thrusters could keep them spinning indefinitely.
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited April 08, 2006).]
posted
If I knew that this was the second book in a trilogy I would expect to know by now that this is taking place in outer space. Though if I had picked this book up without knowing it was #2, wbriggs does make a good point. Either way though I would like more description to the situation. It would be more helpful to hear words like "starship" or some sort of descriptive action showing motion through space or what their part of space looks like. You get the point.
Beyond that, it's a great opening.
One point of pet peeve though, if you left a cliffhanger this big at the end of book one, I would be one pissed off reader. Leaving the crew disabled, floating through space and about to get boarded or destroyed and then ending the book is a good way to anger readers. At least it would anger me.
posted
I could tell it was in space. I mean, you don't see many defense shield generator packing ships on the open seas. If it wasn't for that little detail, then I would've thought it was on the sea as well.
"Now, Capetown's engine was dead, they were adrift, and probably had only seconds before the ship was boarded." I'm a bit irked by the Now and the comma, but that's just me. Tis still good I believe. Either way, this piece and the one that comes after it create some sweet images of galactic warfare.
posted
Thanks very much for the feedback. The point regarding whether we're in space on a seaship is well taken, and easy to fix. I see I should also clarify that, yes, this is a very frightening enemy to have boarding one's ship uninvited.
Regarding this being a resolution to a cliff-hanger, there is none. This story takes place two years after the first and deals with an entirely different set of events. (The first story is about what sets the war in motion; this one rejoins many of the same characters two years into the war as the conflict is about to take a major turn.)
posted
Generally speaking, if someone's going to go to the trouble of boarding you, it's not so good for you when they do. The exception is when you're a specialized Q-ship full of CQB assets. I personally love this trick, especially when the "Q-ship" is an actual luxury cruiser. There is nothing like sucking the marrow out of an enemy's bones and chasing it with caviar
You're starting with a bang here. But perhaps this is throwing us into the action a bit fast. I'll see what I can sort out.
First, I'm going to reiterate the nit from the other opening, drop "the KDFSCapetown," from your first line. I also don't like something about the way the first line is structured beyond that, but this might be an effect of the next line.
You detail an awful lot of things happening while the Captain is watching in apparent bemusement. Is she supposed to seem this brain dead? Because you really make her sound stupid here. If you want to describe the entire engagement, I'm on board for that, but summarizing the damage and telling us it all happened while the Captain was "preoccupied" with how efficiently it was dealt doesn't make me enthusiastic about her POV. If I were Lukas I'd be cursing out loud...at her. I know, she's probably blaming herself a little too much, but to balance this you have to show us a superb job of coordinating an attempted defense against hopeless odds before having her explain how dumb and ineffective she feels. Otherwise I'm inclined to take her at face value.
Exhaust from control thrusters, eh? I don't really...I don't know enough about your tech, but reaction mass isn't free in space. You're talking about defense field generators, divertable reactor power, jump drive, I don't quite buy that Capetown has control thrusters that are set up to use "exhaust". Certainly I don't buy that anything like that could be a real obstacle to their boarders.
I'm going to diagnose this as starting out a scene too late. My off the cuff recommendation is that you start with the beginning of the engagement, show us that the captain knows what she's doing. Alternatively, if she doesn't, show us a different POV.
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