posted
K’Sad loved to suck the juice from the bones. He believed the meat located close to the bone had more flavour and tasted juicer than the meat on the surface, underneath the skin. After eating the flesh, he would place cut-up bits of bone in his mouth, suck the juice and marrow from it until nothing was left but a greyish empty shell. “Blasted,” he shouted when he was unable to locate his dental floss. He had spent over two thousand dollars on his teeth last year: getting them cleaned and whitened. He was not about to let a piece of flesh rot his teeth. So, he broke her femur against the table, hoping it would splinter and produce a few sharp edges. He was in luck. He sorted through the fragments until he found a long, sharp needle-like piece and began cleaning between his teeth; he wanted to look perfect when he returned to town
Posts: 8 | Registered: Mar 2006
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First and foremost, I would really appreciate it if you would write some introductory statement that tells me what I am reading and what you need to be done with it. Since you gave nothing specific to do, I'm just gonna critique it.
In regards to the fragment as a whole, I don't really know what is going on or who K'Sad is. The first few sentences made me think he was an animal or something eating his prey. Then the story establishes the MC is human and shifts to focus on his teeth, using contemporary language and dental techniques. So, I was starting to place about what year it was when he broke her (her? As in he killed a woman and ate her?) femur on the table, which seemed to imply that this was a middle ages story in which the whole body of an animal was eaten, or this was a redneck in modern times. Either way, the part about the teeth whitening and dental floss doesn't fit the setting. Plus, the name really threw me off because it had an apostrophe and it doesn't really seem to have any specific time setting to it.
I'm really confused by this opening because it is completely about a guy eating and overreacting to getting something stuck in his teeth. Also, the MC comes across as a vain, boorish person, which may have been your intention, but I have trouble relating to the character. Finally, you need to beef up the details about the actual setting because I have no idea where or when K'Sad is located.
Your grammar seemed fine, except for the lack of paragraphing and in the line:
quote:He had spent over two thousand dollars on his teeth last year: getting them cleaned and whitened
The colon should replaced by a comma because you are not making a list of three items or more.
Another tiny sentence also kind of bugged me:
quote:He was in luck
That sentence is unnecessary or at least could be combined with the following sentence.
Posts: 162 | Registered: Jun 2005
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posted
I actually liked this opening. I wasn't horrified by it, because it felt almost tongue-in-cheek. I'm not sure I'd be able to continue on forever with this main character, though, because he is, almost by definition, unlikeable. Hard to root for.
As Mystic said, the setting and details surrounding the MC were a little vague. You're risking the reader forming a mental image only to be broken by something later one. Just one or two words could go a long way on insuring we are seeing in our heads what we should be.
Right. Who loses dental floss, anyway? Of all the things that might be misplaced in the home... dental floss...? (Ah, there it is in the woodshed...I've been looking for it for weeks!) In other words, the floss bit feels a contrived -- but it's hard to say, because there's no indication where this scene is playing out, and who knows if floss is in ready supply. Not to mention that it's hard to believe that someone who had spent thousands of dollars on his teeth would risk damaging them (and his gums, which he must also care about) by using a bone fragment as a toothpick. Wooden toothpicks are designed to be just firm enough to pick out whatever, and if one presses too hard, then that toothpick will bend or break to try to avoid damaging the teeth. Plastic toothpicks tend to be flexible in this regard as well. Anyway... someone who is concerned about looking perfect is unlikely to risk damaging their teeth with something equally hard as their teeth -- unless the character is a complete idiot. And if so...
Consider avoiding that. If a character is bad, evil, nasty, or what have you, we'd at least like him to be reasonably intelligent and have buyable motivations for his actions. So...
Back to floss: strongly consider cutting it. Unless, of course you deliberate wish this to be campy.
On the whole, consider backing up a bit and starting the story in a place where we can slowly learn about this character's twisted tastes, rather than smacking us over the head with a femur right off. The previous comment assumes this is the introduction.
posted
Hey, HSO, I have most definately lost dental floss before--my kids think it's fun string.
For me this opening had too many twists--I kept trying to get into the story, and then found out my assumptions were all wrong. I feel like I've been dropped into the middle of a scene. Give me a little background so I know what I'm supposed to be thinking, if you know what I mean.
posted
The first sentence, instead of telling me he loved to suck the marrow from the bones, show me. Put it in an action. Make me experience it with him, and then continue that when he's annoyed by something stuck in his teeth. Show him playing with it with his tongue, his anger toward it growing. Show - don't tell, it will help immensely with your writing.
posted
On the one hand, that's exactly what Robin did IMJ: she (he?) showed us details of this action. But I think I know what Chrissie means. Telling us what MC *would* do removes us, because we're not in any particular moment. Give us a specific instance. Good rule to follow.
Posts: 2830 | Registered: Dec 2004
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