posted
Super short traditional fantasy that is looking to be picked apart. Only 1600 words.
Mist clung to the ground and burst from the nostrils of their horses as Hestan followed his mother, Emerle, along the narrow track between the fields. Long past harvest, the grain swayed heavily in the early dawn light as they plodded toward the small farm nestled between a trio of nearby hills. Hestan watched as she paused before the homestead and barn, her head cocked like a bird to one side as she listened in the unnatural stillness of the morning. Rumors reached the high fey, borne on the wings and clawed feet of the lesser; and it was not concern that brought her from their separate realm of existence, but more of a type of curiosity. The farm should have been bustling this morning, Hestan knew, but it was strangely, if not unpleasantly, silent.
[This message has been edited by mommiller (edited April 18, 2006).]
posted
1600 words is pretty short, and you're using quite a lot of them on description here. Not necessarily a bad thing, but you don't need to spend so much time on description if it's something comparatively familiar for the reader, like mist.
There is a hint in here that all is not well - why has the grain not been harvested?
You tell us that "rumours have reached the high fey" (deftly implying that that's what Hestan and Emerle are) - but you don't give us a clue what those rumours are at this point, even though it's what they're off to investigate. I don't believe you should necessarily lay all your cards out on the table right up front, but if you're going to play one, play it, don;t flash it and then hide it again.
posted
You said: "Mist clung to the ground and burst from the nostrils of their horses..."
that makes me think the mist on the ground has issued forth from the nostrils of the horses. There is a difference between mist... a weather phenomena of condensation, and exhaled breath which hits the cold air and shows up as a fog when a warm-blooded creature breathes. If you have a concise way to express the exhaled air that fogs up, I'd love to hear it cause I've never found a concise way to describe it. Too bad there isn't a specific word for it. But don't talk about the mist on the ground in the same sentence as exhaled breath.
And... reiterating what someone else said.... I really don't think the description is worth all the word count, given how short your total story is. If it was the start of a novel, it would be different.
posted
Thanks, I was hoping for some suggestions on how to better describe the mist/condensation problem. Perhaps it will be better to eliminate it all together. These 1601 words are an introduction to a much larger work, but it felt odd calling it a first chapter. Prologue maybe?
[This message has been edited by mommiller (edited April 18, 2006).]
This should be the first clue that something is wrong, especially since it is expected that the farm would be bustling.
quote:Rumors reached the high fey, borne on the wings and clawed feet of the lesser; and it was not concern that brought her from their separate realm of existence, but more of a type of curiosity.
I had to re-read this a few times to understand what it meant. "lesser" throws me off, especially in a story this short. I'm thinking dragons of some kind, but I've never heard of anything like that being referred to as "lesser."
I'm also thrown off by what follows the semicolon. Who is "her" referring to? The lesser, or Emerle?
Also, I'd reword "but more of a type of curiosity." If Emerle is from another plane, and has the ability to travel between them, use that (just an example of what I mean, not that you should use it): "Concern did not bring Emerle and Hestan from their separate realm of existence. Rather, it was the simple curiosity of interplanar travellers, wondering about a disturbance they sensed in the lesser plane."
[This message has been edited by pjp (edited April 18, 2006).]
posted
To pop in on the mist/condensation thing (and then I'll run away and hide), since it's vapor that you're seeing, it's perfectly legit to say things like "vapor billowed" or "breath steamed" or anything really -- there are many ways to describe this concisely.
Nevertheless, if there is a specific word for this, I don't know it... yet. I think a good opportunity to borrow from an existing word (like "brume," which means fog or mist) and give it a new meaning exists here... [brumed, bruming, brumes] Perhaps anyone who wishes to carry on this discussion can open up a new topic in Open Discussions, rather than hijack this thread any longer.
This made me wonder whether she is human or a fantastic being. If she is a fantastic being, I'd like to know for sure very soon in the story. If she is human, I'm wondering why this reference to a bird. Either way, I feel I'm possibly being led astray with a red herring. Is this description / simile to a bird necessary?
posted
I didn't get what I should care about. Reading others' crits suggests to me it's something weird about the farm. I'd say: make it very very clear, saying why the grain wasn't harvested, and what Heston is worried about. (He'd better be worried about something. The story needs a struggle.)
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posted
I believe I'm seeing conflicting ideas, as are others. The "early dawn light" suggested promise and hope in its symbolism, yet I suspect something wicked this way comes. If the two went out at night or during a storm, it could signify impending danger by just the weather or time of day.
Hestan (which in the Danish language literally translates to: the horse, though it would be spelled Hesten) could be old, older, or very young. A little background might be nice so that we instantly know if we’re dealing with two vulnerable people (a young child and a young mother), or one strong, one feeble (the son being a man and his aging mother). There’s an opportunity to show people unprotected (as implied by the lack of a father being mentioned-not that one must have a father to be protected, but I hope you see what I mean). These could be fun things to interject. It’s a good guess that issues like age and father figures are explained later, but if we knew more about the people at the start it would add color and depth to the story. I liked it otherwise. Good job.
posted
I'm confused about the location of this--are they riding to their farm, or are they visiting a farm they know or are they in a strange land?
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posted
You said this was a prologue. Does it take place like ten years before the next events or immediately before? Also, who's story is the larger work going to focus on- the fey, the son, or the little girl?
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posted
I like this. The unharvested grain and the mention of rumors lend an air of mystery to this however...I think I'd like to know up front what their stake in this is. Why have they come to check out these rumors does it matter at all to them if everybody on the farm was killed or just decided to leave because of some problem with a sprite or some thing of the sort. Or are they there out of simple curiosity. It would create more of a hook to start with why they were there rather than a descriptive passage.
Overall this read quite smoothly for me until I got to
<<The farm should have been bustling this morning, Hestan knew, but it was strangely, if not unpleasantly, silent. >>
The 'strangely, if not unpleasantly' took a second read to figure out what it was saying. The two words ending in ly so close together was awkward
[This message has been edited by spcpthook (edited April 20, 2006).]
posted
Thanks for all of the useful information and pointers everyone.
I hope to have a rewritten 13 lines up soon, along with a refurbished story to go along with it for further critiques.
To answer Sholar's question. The story after this prologue takes place some 20 years later in the child's life. The other two higher fey, the mother and the son, are also present in it.
Thanks Sholar for offering to look at the 1600 words, I know it is almost too short, eh?
[This message has been edited by mommiller (edited April 20, 2006).]
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Depending on how long, I might be willing to read future chapters. 
