posted
I've been close to ripping my hair from its sockets for a few days as I tried to find something that fit within the first 13 lines. There are plenty of things in my Times New Roman Double Space that would work, but most of them, as I came to realize, are in the 14-16 line range. So, this is near the beginning of the second installment in my Brazen Comedy series. It's sort of a combination of the alien cityscape and the practical irritations of actual life. I think it's funny at any rate.
So without further introduction, this is the beginning of the second installment of the BC series: The Father of the Bride. Dirk is the main character; Emily is his girlfriend.
Dirk woke up to the gentle massage of the burlesque mattress in the Honeymoon sweet on the interstellar luxury liner the Hedonist. His neck was sore, his back ached, and he had a splitting headache. Unknown to him, because of an impeccably timed case of amnesia, Emily had just revealed to him her unexpected pregnancy and, startlingly, his instigation of it.
The sound of a softly chugging engine crept into the room. It was just for effect, the ion motors of the Hedonist did not vibrate at audible frequencies. Dirk pulled his vision together and stopped his head from reeling. Emily was sitting next to him. “What happened?”
Suddenly, and without explanation, Dirk found himself lying on the bed again. This time the lights were out. Someone had pulled half of the covers over him.
[This message has been edited by Zandor6017 (edited April 26, 2006).]
[This message has been edited by Zandor6017 (edited April 26, 2006).]
[This message has been edited by Zandor6017 (edited April 26, 2006).]
posted
The words didn't bother me, but I'm also trying to figure out what's going on. Too much is happening to Dirk at once, and I'm not sure where I'm at. First he's told that he impregnated a girl, he has amnesia, and I don't even remember him getting off the bed so he could be pushed back onto it. And the only person in the room so far was Emily, and yet someone else is pulling the covers over him. So I'm getting dizzy trying to figure what's happening here.
Posts: 329 | Registered: Mar 2005
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posted
First of all, you might want to rethink using "Father of the Bride" as your title. It's been overused enough already.
The section you've posted is very confusing. If something is happening to the MC you'll need to give better clues and make it clearer.
As far as the prose, sweet = suite, and I've never heard of anyone "instigating" a pregnancy. Most wives would probably slap their husbands if they said that.
Dirk pulled his vision together - is a bit clumsy although I know what you are conveying.
This needs some rewriting to make it accessible to a reader.
posted
You need to work on your POV choice. The voice is funny but very belabored. Maybe you were going for a Hitchhiker's Guide effect, but it doesn't quite work. When you use an extremely affected narrative voice, you must test run it on subject matter with which the audience is already familiar before you start into your narrative. That gives us the chance to get used to how you say things before you say anything we don't already know.
Posts: 8322 | Registered: Aug 1999
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Story begins. They are on a spaceship going toward another star via hyperspace.
Emily tells Dirk that she is pregnant; Dirk passes out due to the "jump." He forgets the whole thing.
13 lines:
Dirk wakes up, she tells him again, passes out again, amnesia again.
He wakes up a second time on the same bed. In the intervening time Emily has been crying because she tried to break this important news to Dirk and he didn't take it well.
***
Sweet/suite was misspelled.
I think it's funny to say he "instigated" the pregnancy. There is little that is serious about the story hence Brazen (shameless) comedy. And again, it's my fault for not rewriting the first 13 lines, but they really occur 13,000 words ago in the other story. In this story, they were a full two pages earlier. So I guess what I'm saying is that aside from my fault prose, I think a few of the confusion problems can be blamed on that.
The narrator voice is supposed to be almost vulgar in the contrast between mock eloquence and colloquial language. It makes me grin.
I think Kill Bill uses “The Father of The Bride,” but other than that I wasn’t aware of anything else that did.
I think that’s it. I appreciate belabored advice. And… thanks.
posted
"Father of the Bride" is the name of a movie as well.
But more on topic, the voice was pretty good. Some tweaking will make it clearer that the narration means to have a brazen sense of humor.
The first line reminded me of the first line of "Albuquerque" by Weird Al, but I don't think it was quite as successful. Here it felt more like a long sentence that was laborious to read rather than a long, run-on sentence meant to create the effect of someone speaking quickly and saying as much as they can in one breath.
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