posted
I would appreciate feedback on an older piece I may be revamping.
Short story, appx. 5000 words, YA horror/fantasy. Nothing past PG in the story, nothing offensive in the first 13.
The POV is very specific and will not be changing, so please don't bother to comment on it. Thanks!
< Coming out of the bathroom, I walked right into one of the cheerleaders. My backpack hit the floor, spilling my tin of sketch pencils across the museum's polished marble. I bit back an apology – it certainly hadn’t been my fault – and lunged after my scattered pencils. The tall blonde snorted in disgust.
“Is being pathetic a choice, or were you just born that way?” she taunted. I continued to collect my pencils, keeping my head down so my hair prevented eye contact, until she returned to her pack of butt-kissers. They giggled wildly, wafting down the hall to the next exhibit. Her words stung, and it was all I could do to keep my tears from welling over. >
posted
There's immediate conflict, and that's good. Also a hint of the narrator's attitude, and of course social status. Both good as well. Certainly seems like YA from the get-go, too.
Two things you might consider establishing right away are the narrator's name and gender (I am assuming the narrator is a girl due to hair length, but that's ambiguous since boys can have long hair, too). For instance, is the narrator coming out of the girl's bathroom or boy's bathroom? And when the cheerleader speaks, she can say the narrator's name.... maybe? (These are my personal prefs, really...) The sooner these things are developed, the better.
There's nothing wrong with writing a first-person narrative, so there's no need to defend it, in my opinion. People will moan if they don't like first-person narratives; that's just a fact of life. And if a story is best served in first, then so be it. The trick is doing it very well, because first-person can be limiting, is more difficult to write than third, and flaws tend to show up more easily. Another issue with first is an overabudance of I's (such as: "I saw" or "I thought") when many could be stripped away without hurting anything, and possibly improving then narrative.
posted
I have the same comment with HSO about the narrator's gender, but otherwise, no real troubles. I'll look at it.
Posts: 329 | Registered: Mar 2005
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posted
You still might want to frame the account. If you don't know what that means then you should find out before attempting to write in first person.
Posts: 8322 | Registered: Aug 1999
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posted
I agree with HSO about immediately revealing names and gender, and unless the cheerleader disappears, never to be seen again, you should say, "I ran into Cathy, the cheerleader..." or whatever her name is. Always introduce a character's NAME when you introduce them, unless there is a compelling reason to hide that information from the reader.
My nit: you say "I walked right into one of the cheerleaders" and then turn around and contradict the statement with "it certainly hadn’t been my fault". I would suggest you address the obvious contradiction, or correct it. Even saying something like: "it wasn't my fault she wasn't willing to give an inch" would address the problem. As is, it seems as if the author didn't remember what was just said.
posted
I agree with the other comments. Also you may want to mention what sort of museum it is as a fast way to clue the reader into what the setting is and what the next exhibit is: a natural history museum, a science museum, an art museum . . .
Posts: 397 | Registered: Mar 2004
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posted
I don't mind not knowing the cheerleader's name, because it shows the main characters attitude towards cheerleaders in general--they're all the same. After reading this I thought the character was male, so a name and gender would certainly be good here. Beware of being TOO steriotypical. If you need a reader, sent it over.
Posts: 88 | Registered: Apr 2006
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posted
I actually like the contrast of "walking right into the back of" with "it wasn't my fault." It struck me as very typical of a YA--I have a few friends who always pulled that kind of attitude.
I'll have to agree with the others about the gender issue--I thought it sounded male until the "blinking back tears" part, at which point I scratched my head and thought it was either a weaker male than I'm accustomed to, or a girl. Mentioning the bathroom's gender probably would be a good solution, as was already recommended, or else you could have the cheerleader make it clear. If said cheerleader is a stranger to the main character, she could still insert one of the "Girl!" interjections that cheerleaders at my highschool, at least, had been particularly fond of.
Overall, I think it's a great start. I would keep reading.
That said, I like it. I was immediately drawn in and The gender so far(MC), I'm assuming is female because of the reaction of the cheerleader and the line about tears. Immediate conflict, and these 13 lines tell me a lot about the MC. Well done.
posted
This opening grabs me, and does make me want to keep reading. My first image was that the cheerleader was in uniform, otherwise how could the MC know she was a cheerleader? Then as I learned we were in a museum, I wondered - why would she be in uniform? It wasn't until reading the comments of others that I realized the possibility of these two people already knowing each other. It actually sounds like the MC would know the cheerleader's name, but not vice versa.
The gender issue doesn't bother me yet, I find that I am willing to go on and learn more.
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