posted
heres the first 13 lines to a short story. If anyone would like to read the entire thing, leave your email and ill send it to you. thanks!
Jack lied curled up in the center of the bed, staring at the peeling wallpaper. There were stains on the wall, colorful and diverse. Red, yellow, black, and white, they are precious in his sight. His blood felt like it was burning.
What goes through your head when you look up from your watch in time to see your six year old daughter, the life from your womb, run out into the street and disappear with the blast of a horn and the blur of a passing bus?
Outside the room, Jack could hear people rustling through their night lives. The streets never sleep, right? Horns and car alarms and shouting and talking and the yelp of a kicked dog. He was never going to sleep, but that what he gets for picking a shit motel. Purple light from the neon sign just
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited April 29, 2006).]
posted
Well, it certainly sets a consistent tone. I'm a bit worried about the length of the story, though. Such a short story (flash, even) doesn't have a lot of time to dawdle, which leads me to believe that the reason Jack picked a motel room was to kill himself.
And that's just depressing. Seriously, who wants to read that?
Anyway, this was written clearly enough. No major (non-stylistic) problems with the execution.
As an aside, why are the colorful and diverse stains on the wall precious in his sight? Seemed to be an odd sentiment, given the situation.
[This message has been edited by Rahl22 (edited April 29, 2006).]
posted
The hook is definitely not my kind of story, so I can't say if it would grab me if this were the kind of story I would normally read. It's intense, which means you did a good job bringing me into the scene. The imagery and sounds and cold are all there.
I got lost in POV, as Jack is male--the daughter couldn't be from his womb. (Unless that's the story, a male who gave birth, in which case I'd like to find that out before I have a chance to get confused.) In the first paragraph, he's staring at wallpaper, in the third, teary-eyed into the bathroom...this transition isn't smooth for me.
The verb tense is inconsistent in the first paragraph ("lied" is not right, but I admit I'm not sure what would be correct there.) And the past tense "There were stains..." doesn't match the present tense "...they are precious..." Happens again in the third paragraph: "He was never going to sleep, but that what he gets..."
Minor glitches: The second paragraph might read more smoothly if you use comma to make it read, "What goes through your head, when you look..." Something is missing between "that" and "what" in the fourth sentence of the third paragraph, I would simply use "that's", but you might want something else. Also, your last three sentences are run-on.
There are some nice descriptions that portray Jack's distress in the last paragraph, and the first paragraph seems too passive in light of the grief described later on. (That is just an observation based on my reaction as I read the fragment.) I quite like the observation about "...people rustling through their night lives."
Is there a name for questions posed, during a narrative, to the reader? (i.e. your second paragraph) I think these can be overdone, but in this particular case I think they help bring the reader into the story.
I think I would like this if I understood it. Why is he in this hotel? And why is it cold in his room? But beyond that, I understand. Whether I want to read on depends on the things I don't know yet.
posted
Overall I liked it, but I had a few small issues with it.
"Jack lied" should be Jack lay.
In the first paragraph could you tell us here that he is in a run-down motel? I think it will make this passage clearer.
I have no idea why the colors on the walls would be precious, I thought maybe if he was at home and these were crayon marks his daughter had made. But then we find out that he is in a motel so it does not make any sense.
quote:His blood felt like it was burning.
Does this mean angry? Wouldn't blood boil since its a liquid?
I kind of liked the direct question asked of the reader in the second paragraph but then again its kind of out-of-POV. Jack is not asking us this and it is supposed to be from his POV, correct?
quote:...trying to keep warm. Still, his teeth chattered...
I don't think the word Still is appropriate here. The second sentence adds to the information from the first, the word "Still" seems to say that the sentences are saying opposite things. Posts: 25 | Registered: Mar 2006
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"Jesus loves the little children, All the children of the world, Red and yellow, Black and white; They are precious in His sight, Jesus loves the little children of the world."
I picked up on the old tune immediately. But then, I'm older than dirt.
However, given the number of your readers who did NOT, you might want to make the statement less enigmatic.
[This message has been edited by Elan (edited April 29, 2006).]
Seriously, I want to know the things we aren't seeing yet, like what has already been mentioned. The second paragraph I understand, but I personally don't like the narrator butting in. That is what that seems like, since it is out of POV. And you really do need to straighten out the fact that as this reads now, Jack has a womb.
[This message has been edited by TruHero (edited April 30, 2006).]
posted
Interesting about the praise song reference. If I had gotten that, the first paragraph would have been a doozer for me. But I didn't, so it wasn't.
Oh, and I didn't nit the whole lied/lay thing, because I figured there were more pressing issues... but if you were submitting this, that would probably make me toss this into the trash right off the bat like Survivor.
posted
I thought the song reference, bound up in internal dialogue, was the best part of the whole scene. It gave me a stronger glimpse at this guy's pain than anything else. Honestly, the rest was so disjointed that that line was the only reason I kept reading.
You're bouncing around, but when you're hitting, you're hitting well. Refine it, streamline, rewrite, but don't lose that essence.
posted
Well I'm significantly younger than dirt and I picked it up...
Anyway, I liked the beginning. When I got to the second sentence I thought it was pretty dumb, then the third was weird so I was interested, and the fourth pulled it all together for me. (And now I think the second & third sentences are charming)
Jack's in an altered state of mind, lying on his cheap pos motel bed, and making the kind of random associations one makes when one is really, so to speak, jacked up.
It sounds to me like he's on drugs and the womb part is just something that he thought about. If it turns out to be his womb after all, I personally can hold out another page after that intro. If the womb thing is just a random thoguht, than that's still fine by me, but I would like the action to start with the next six words.
I think gets reads better as got, and I think it's "Jack lay curled up...", instead of lied.
Thumbs up.
[This message has been edited by Zandor6017 (edited April 30, 2006).]
posted
Ok, so I guess this isnt the kind of story thatworks too wonderfully in just 14 lines. My intention was to slowly let the reader into detailes until towards the end, and the climax, it makes sense. The structure of the story bounces from the past(the reason for his pain) and the present(him in the motel) with narrator explaining the events of the past(butting in) in a way that I hoped would make clear the emotions of the Jack and the other people in the story.
ok, so ill explain everything, might as well. warning:if you want to read the story, this kinda spoils it, but not really. The secand paragraph describes jacks mother, watching her daughter die. I added the womb part because friends who have read the story assumed that the child was jacks. from there, the story goes on to explain how jack looses his entire family within a week, (mother commits suicide, father dies in an unrelated event), and in doing so, explains Jack painful and seemingly "out there" state of mind. the story ends with jacks own suicide. morbid yes, but morbid things do happen.
so yeah, thats the idea of the story, and I wanted it to be structurally interesting, hence the bouncing back and forth and vague(sp?) details. If anyone wants to read the full story, feel free to email me at ratfreedom@yahoo.com or post your email on the thread, if it isnt available on your user profile.
and the whole lay/lied thing, just a mistake. my bad, sorry.
posted
Didn't go to bible school, but if you capitalized 'His' I think I would have picked up on it being a religious verse. The first time I read this I thought the second paragraph was about his wife--if it's his mother you need to make it clear as an Arizona day. Other than that, I think it's a good beginning.
Posts: 88 | Registered: Apr 2006
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