posted
Laura paused briefly to take a couple of deep breaths. Cautiously, she glanced at the brush around her as she repositioned the precious cargo hidden under her jacket. He sighed in his sleep, but otherwise didn’t stir. Her legs burned from the constant scratching of the thorny bushes that littered the otherwise barren landscape, but she couldn’t rest. Not yet. She was being pursued. She couldn’t see their heat signatures hiding in the blackness of the night, but she knew they were out there and most likely close by. Glancing at her watch she was surprised to find that she had been on the run for three hours. The lights still glittered in the distance frighteningly far away, but she knew from experience that was only a trick of the night vision
Posts: 58 | Registered: May 2006
| IP: Logged |
posted
Please post the genre, word count, and what you want us to do for you (do you want readers for the whole thing or just comments on this opening.)
The thing I'm having a problem with is that I don't know what's going on or why I'm supposed to care. She's being pursued, but who's chasing her and who is she? The only thing I know about her is her name, although it's a good thing you told that right off.
Is there a reason you're not saying what the precious cargo is? If Laura doesn't know what she's carrying, but only knows that it's important to get it to someone else, then that's not so much a problem. But if she does know what it is, I ought to too.
Telling what the genre is would have been helpful for me in this case, because at first this felt like a chase scene in a fantasy setting through the woods. But at the first mention of night vision, I got thrown off and had to reread from the beginning.
posted
This is an interesting opening, but (like Ray said) it's sometimes unclear when it doesn't need to be. Ray brought up the cargo and the setting. I was also confused by the lights in the last sentence. Is it frightening that they're so far away because she's trying to reach them? What are the lights?
Posts: 150 | Registered: Aug 2005
| IP: Logged |
Laura paused briefly to take a couple of deep breaths. [paused from doing what? And you probably don't want an adverb in your first line] Cautiously [cut adverb], she glanced at the brush around her as she repositioned the precious cargo hidden under her jacket. He sighed in his sleep [he who?], but otherwise didn’t stir. Her legs burned from the constant scratching of the thorny bushes that littered the otherwise barren landscape, but she couldn’t rest. Not yet. She was being pursued. [wait, what? We should probably know this sooner] She couldn’t see their heat signatures [whose heat signatures? if she knows then I've gotta know too] hiding in the blackness of the night, but she knew they were out there and most likely close by. Glancing at her watch she was surprised to find that she had been on the run for three hours. The lights still glittered in the distance frighteningly [more adverbs] far away, but she knew from experience that was only a trick of the night vision [I agree with LMermaid, this was confusing]
Okay I think you could start here:
quote:She knew they were out there
"They" seem to be very important and we don't know who they are. Here's a good place to tell us. Something like (keep in mind I have no clue what this is about):
"Laura knew they were out there. She couldn't see their heat signatures, but she could feel those amber eyes following her every move.
She needed to keep moving. Her legs itched from the little cuts the brambles left on her skin. exhaustion was beginning to consume her, but she would be dead before sunrise of she didn't find...."
You get the idea.
Hope this helped.
[This message has been edited by pixydust (edited May 12, 2006).]
posted
Thank you for replying. Sorry this is my first post so I’m still working out the process. This is a SciFi short story that has 1500 words and takes place on a world at war. I would love criticism on the whole work if anyone is interested, but am thrilled with feedback on just the opening too.
Posts: 58 | Registered: May 2006
| IP: Logged |
posted
From this I guessed that the 'precious cargo' was the 'he' that sighed in his sleep. At first I was thinking it was man, but then I don't think that a man would hide under her jacket very well, would he--so maybe a baby boy? Naming the precious cargo, instead of calling it 'precious cargo' would really clear this up. I like how you've started at a frantic moment, but get to telling us about the baby (if i'm right about that) and who 'they' are and why they're being chased. That needs to come before your second paragraph in my opinion.
Posts: 88 | Registered: Apr 2006
| IP: Logged |
posted
Thank you so much, Mommillar, for your critique of the entire work, and thank you, everyone else, for the help you gave me with the introduction. Yes, the cargo is actually a baby. I decided to go with cargo instead of just saying it was a baby because I wanted to clearly display how far removed both sides have become from their citizens from the beginning of the piece. The people of this world no longer matter to either side of the war. They are either tools or leverage.
Thank you Pixydust and Mommillar for pointing out my over use of adverbs, a problem I hope to have corrected by my rewrite.
Printer-friendly view of this topic
