posted
Darkness came over him as flames licked and bit at his skin. Rusty chains were pulled and he felt his body tightening and stretching, his muscles pulling and ripping, snapping and crunching. A hammer's strike, and sparks flew. Grinding of metal on metal, and the agony of pain sounded loudly. Small incantations and pain began to subside. A flash of a bright light, and then it was over. He focused and once more he saw.
The magically enchanted eyes gave him sight. He sat up and gazed around, his ruby eyes scrutinizing everything around him. He flexed his right arm. His artificial arm, grafted onto him, and made of the most solid adamandite. The repairs were complete, and the final enchanting was finished. The arm and gauntlet felt good. Geddock, King of the Orcs, was satisfied.
Posts: 6 | Registered: May 2006
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posted
Is this a short story or novel? Do you want feedback on just the first 13 or are you looking for readers for longer sections?
I was confused. The first paragraph reads like a burning at the stake (first line) and then torture on the rack. It was graphic enough and at this point, senseless enough, that I read with my eyes closed. Okay, so not literally but I was wondering why I was reading it and wouldn't have if it wasn't here. Give me some hint why this is happening to the character, who may be the MC or not, before going far into the graphic details.
**
The magically enchanted eyes gave him sight.
** "magically enhanted" is redundant.
**
He flexed his right arm. His artificial arm, grafted onto him, and made of the most solid adamandite.
***
Try combining these two: He flexed his artifical right arm made of solid adamandite.
** The repairs were complete, and the final enchanting was finished. **
Repairs?? It didn't sound like repairs when I was reading it.
posted
Its the prologue of a novel Well... just the first lines of it, though I'd love to get readers for longer sections, like the entire prologue perhaps.
Also he is -a- main character, but certainly not on the forces of good. I was aiming for building up the anticipation of trying to figure out whats going on... getting a sense that this fiend is very much a strong and powerful being
[This message has been edited by Bryden88 (edited May 14, 2006).]
posted
Is Geddock's right arm also his grafted, artificial arm? Should the following two sentences be one sentence for clarity sake?
quote:He flexed his right arm. His artificial arm, grafted onto him, and made of the most solid adamandite.
Because that second sentence in the above is a sentence fragment as is. If combined with the previous one, it makes sense. The rule (according to Strunk and White's The Elements of Style) is "Do not break sentences in two!" [I've excerpted it below...]
Therefore, consider joining them by replacing the period with a comma (or maybe something else).
Excerpt:
6. Do not break sentences in two.
In other words, do not use periods for commas.
quote:I met them on a Cunard liner several years ago. Coming home from Liverpool to New York.
He was an interesting talker. A man who had traveled all over the world, and lived in half a dozen countries.
In both these examples, the first period should be replaced by a comma, and the following word begun with a small letter.
End Excerpt
[This message has been edited by HSO (edited May 15, 2006).]
posted
I second the comment about "magically enchanted." Redundant.
The entire section would read easier if you gave his name earlier. I don't know if you must jump right to his title, but a name would help.
I like the first paragraph well enough, it's strange and disjointed and reflects how the character would perceive what is happening. However, it is a confusing place for the reader to start. It might work better if you start somewhere less chaotic.
The second paragraph could certainly be strengthened by eliminating the passive voice. You seem to be creating a very strong character, let your writing reinforce that.
While there are certainly other references to "orcs", IMHO the word primarily recalls Tolkein. Unless you mean to reference his world and his characters, you might want to use another name for your creatures. Whatever you mean to be writing, if you use "orc" a number of your readers will be thinking about Tolkein's middle earth.
posted
Heh the orcs thing, alot of fantasy writers use... not just Tolkien but Salvatore and others as well.... just gotta find a new name I guess... Hmmm... back to the workshop where orc will be replaced by a different name
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posted
I can sort of see what you're trying to do with this initial text. Try dropping all personal pronouns out of the text (recast where necessary), and I think you're much closer. In other words, you're going for objective.
Objective isn't always a mistake, but it does strike me as rather a common diversion from the real meat of an opening. The author wants to kick off with a dramatic image...and forgets that it takes energy on the reader's part to see what is described. Readers are conscious of this, though. They know that they have to sit there and think about it for a minute to imagine the scene you're describing.
That's why it's usually better to start off with a character POV, even if it's an unsympathetic character.
Printer-friendly view of this topic
Well... just the first lines of it, though I'd love to get readers for longer sections, like the entire prologue perhaps.
