posted
(A piece from The Everlanders, a SF novel I'm working on. I really hope I'm doing this correctly. )
His parent's were 25 when they conceived him just as both sets of his grandparents were 25 when they had them. The Pluto population was primarily protestant and therefore based their belief system around EHEP - Erwich's Human Expansion Proposition, which arose from the 2145 elected Prime Minister of Great Britain, Peter Gregory Erwich. All of the current countries allianced with the UN adopted his idea when The First Exploration was launched 100 years after the Great Industrial Crash more than 2,000 years ago. It divides the Lifespan into fourths, from birth until death. And the tender age of 25 was simply the perfect fourth to have a child.
[This message has been edited by PennyLane (edited May 15, 2006).]
[This message has been edited by PennyLane (edited May 15, 2006).]
posted
I like info, provided it's interesting and relevant.
I think you can drop some of this based on the "relevant" part (although I'm not sure, not having seen what follows, of course).
His parents: who? Give us a name.
I think this info is here primarily to explain why his parents were 25. But it doesn't really. You could sum it all up very easily by saying "it was the law." Of course, that doesn't say WHY it was the law, but then neither does the paragraph as it is.
posted
Thanks for your comment, constructive criticism, and compliment on my word usage ^_^. It's actually towards the beginning when I'm setting up the atmosphere for the book. I've depicted an extremely grim future and the main character, which is who I was discussing toward the beginning of that entry, is someone who finds cracks of beauty in a world of metalic ugliness. It's a life of complete structure and duty and it's all in the name of suriving as a race, but the government uses that excuse to make this immoral way of life seem absolutely necessary. I'm still really playing with the idea in my head. I have a start, a middle, and an end, but the smaller details are still working themselves out. Which is one reason why I'm really stoked that I found out about this place =]]. I'm all about feedback and knowledge from other creative minds.
Posts: 16 | Registered: May 2006
| IP: Logged |
posted
Thank you seriously for your comments. It's questions like these that I need in order to make sure I don't leave any stones unturned. The reason the law is in place is to make sure that the population stayes fairly regular. If the birth rate shoots up, there aren't going to be any places to put people, but if it goes down, then the productivity level of that community goes down which is detrimental to the survival of the human race because each civilization has a purpose to fulfill for the greater good. Or atleast that's what the government spoon feeds to it's citizens to keep things in order.
[This message has been edited by PennyLane (edited May 15, 2006).]
posted
Actually, it's a LOT of infodump. Particularly troublesome because of the numbers. You probably need to start your story somewhere else, and work all of this information in as it applies to specific events and actions. I'd also like a name for the character right up front.
As this fragment stands, it needs to be cleaned up with punctuation. The second and third sentences, in particular, are rambling and thick with information. Some commas would help, even breaking the longer sections into separate sentences.
It's a neat concept, though. I'd be interested in how the story will progress, and would keep reading. I'd just skim this section, though, which implies it is too dense.
posted
Yeah, I know. I was trying to fit a lot in at one time which results in the blah of info dump. Nothing is set in stone yet and, as you suggested, I'm still trying to work out the dates and everything. But I'm in love with this concept and I want to do it justice. It's going to be one of two novels and there's so much to research and so much information needed to make my work of fiction seem like a reality. My problem is where to stick it and what all to include. I guess the reason why I chose to infodump so thickly is because I don't want to waste the rest of the book trying to explain why the world works as it does. I think, at the time, I wanted the reader to go into it knowing as much about how this society works as possible and then continue with the story of Donovan. Actually, it's probably a really good idea to sift and spread it out throughout the novel. There's just a lot to know and a lot that goes on and I don't want to leave anything out or put things in random and totally off places. I just hope whatever I do decide to do withit flows and captivates. As my plot progresses, I'm learning and growing just as much as my book is. See? You're already helping me out so much ^_^ Thank you!!
[This message has been edited by PennyLane (edited May 15, 2006).]
posted
You seem to be trying to do something interesting with the narrative voice. I'm thinking it's inspired by such SF classics as Repent, Harlequin, said the Ticktock Man. But it doesn't quite overcome the total non sequitur of your content here.
You want to paint an immoral society that has no beauty or freedom. That's all well and good, but none of the information in this introduction speaks to that point, does it? I mean, maybe I'm wrong, but it isn't exactly unnatural or immoral for people to have children at 25 years old. You don't even indicate that they are forced to do it, it seems to simply be a general custom, not the strangest or most evil one I've ever encountered. I'm actually more alarmed by the prospect that you impy that death becomes mandatory at 100 years old...which is to say not particularly alarmed at all.
Besides, this is a novel rather than a short story. Which is to say that you might want to revise your opening strategy.
Another point that is a little worrisome to me. You mention "The Pluto population" in a context that would seem to indicate that this is a human population. Not to get overly technical, but it is far easier to build space habitats than to meet the demands of human life on Pluto. Artificial gravity, insolation/insulation, ecology, recycling...everything. So if you've got humans living on Pluto, you can have them living anywhere. Meaning that the limitation of available living space simply doesn't make any sense.
I think that you're better off restricting your future society to Earth, if you want to drive the point home. Make it polluted and horrible, with a biosphere on the perpetual verge of collapse, if you like. Even looking past the realism issues of having humans on Pluto but still saying that living space is limited, there is also the raw incongruity of selling a future as dystopian when it includes interplanetary travel. As SF has become more mainstream, it has gained more readers of the sort who find any kind of technology threatening and ugly, but they are still outnumbered by the ones for whom space travel holds a certain romance. You can do ugly, threatening technology more easily in the context of a polluted Earth than on another planet, where human existance would be impossible anyway without it.
Printer-friendly view of this topic
)
