posted
These are the opening ten lines of longer story.
Always begin at the beginning. Magic coming into being is this story’s beginning. The roots of magic are neither shrouded in the depths of time nor hidden in the mist of mysticism; the roots of magic grow deeply within each of us.
Sooren was a gentle soul whose family, friends, and neighbors were the best brutes of a brutal age. Amidst all the hate, anger, and fear that go hand in glove with the violence of his time, Sooren discovered that magic is a part of the human condition. All are capable of magic in the same way all can taste, smell, feel, hear, see, walk, and talk. Perhaps more importantly, he discovered that one’s perception of one’s environment alters as one masters the use of the five senses, balance, and mobility, communication, and the untwining of the forces of nature.
posted
This is a curious opening. It seems that you're going for a sort of...naturalist's approach to this story. But you don't really pull it off quite well enough to engage me.
Posts: 8322 | Registered: Aug 1999
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posted
Sounds like an interesting concept with great potential. The opening seems...choppy to me, almost like a data dump of information at the begining. It was difficult to read. Perhaps we could learn some things along with Sooren later on?
Posts: 116 | Registered: Jun 2004
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posted
This opening struck me as trying too hard. Instead of coming off as a renaissance man's view of magic, it struck me as if the narrator was a wanne-be renaissance man.
The alliteration was too blunt and jumped out of the story at me, which is obviously bad: it should be seamless. It seems like you are just trying to jam too much in here, particularly in the last two sentences. You lost me in the last sentence with the repetitive use of "one" for a pronoun. It is awkward sounding.
posted
You don't really specify a time frame, so this could, in theory, be contemporary. Lots of people would argue our current age is pretty brutal...there's a lot of hate, anger, and fear, at any rate. I would also present the notion that not everyone has command of all five senses, nor the ability to walk and talk.
The fragment is a bit heavy-handed, giving lots of dense theory and not much story. It reads more like a blurb, and would stand as a rather good blurb. There's too much philosophy and background, not enough character and action. The tone is too detached to draw me in. But the information is interesting, and would make me want to read the story...if the hook backed up what the blurb promises.
One nit - "Magic coming into being is this story's beginning." There are too many -ings in that sentence.
All that said, I really like the idea. It has a "druid" feel to it, and I like Survivor's description of "naturalist's approach." You are definitely onto something interesting. If you can make Sooren more real, and lighten the tone, it will be a great read.
posted
I don't think you need the first paragraph at all. The information you need, but you don't need it yet, and you don't need to be so blunt about it. I suppose it could work if you were going for a very scholarly tone for the book, but even then, I'd put it further along.
The description of Sooren's family is a good bit. I like the contrast of the brutality of the family and the world with Sooren. It's a good way to start to get to know him, but I want to get to know him a little more. Either that, or I want to see more of his family.
Those are the meaty bits, and by telling me about them, what they're like and how they conform or stand out from the world, you're telling me about the world at the same time.
posted
5 different responses, and I'm about to give you another. I think that when you get a lot of different responses, there really is something wrong, but your readers aren't sure what. That may include me.
My problem is twofold: a lot of abstract stuff; and not much concrete. I know that Sooren exists in society; that's concrete. Everything else is interpreted, and I'm not sure what some of it means (the magic stuff).
Eventually, you'll get to a specific time and place, right? Maybe start there. Or if you start with summary, maybe it could be specific, a summary of relevant details, such as, "Sooren's mother had warned him not to awaken the evil robot monkeys. After the fire they set destroyed his house, his bicycle, and his eyebrows ..."
Abstraction can work, but maybe in smaller doses.
[This message has been edited by wbriggs (edited May 18, 2006).]
posted
Thank you for your posts in such a short time. I'm particularly grateful to those of you who carefully pick and choose the fragments you respond to. I believe MightyCow is correct in saying the first paragraph is unnecessary. That would lighten the tone and allow more room to expand on the time frame and Sooren's circumstances.
Posts: 35 | Registered: Apr 2006
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posted
Funny, I liked the first paragraph better than the second. The first paragraph reminded me of the little bit before the start of Dune, where Irulan is explaining how she chose to begin Paul's story. Setting it apart like that might help things along.
Posts: 28 | Registered: May 2006
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posted
This felt prologue-ish to me. I would much rather be shown these facts instead of having them dumped on me. IMO start with Sooren and his relationship to his family and the brutal society--give me a character to sympathize with.
Posts: 88 | Registered: Apr 2006
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