“I must say that I am a most fortunate individual. In the days of when I wrote this documentation, I was nearing my seventieth year. In that short span of human life, I had seen the rise of a great empire, the fall of many nations and provinces to that same empire, and perhaps most important of all, the fall of that empire.
But, it could be so easy for me to begin this historical document when this empire, which was named thousands of years ago Arcadia, first began its conquest. But I am well known, (or best known, depending on whom you talk to,) for taking on many challenges in my career. So, I shall start this utmost important document not the simple way, but the challenging way.
posted
It's important that, as a new member, you go back and read the "Read Here First" section.
You are limited to the first 13 lines of your prologue for reasons that are spelled out in Read Here First. Count 13 lines by setting your font to 12 point Courier, 1" margins all around.
You need to go back and edit down your post so it is ONLY the first 13, or Kathleen will do it for you. Once it's in acceptable format, people will critique it for you.
Another thing you need to add is: what is the genre of your story? How many words does the entire story have? Are you looking for feedback on the fragment only, or are you seeking readers for a larger piece?
posted
This is not the place to advertise an already published story. And if you disagree that your story is already published then you are an amateur and one that needs to learn quickly what is meant by "published".
That said, the snippet you have posted here needs to be read through. If you avoid silly mistakes you make people take you more seriously.
posted
yanos: I don't think it is published. It's on fictionpress.com, which is just a site where people can post their stories whenever they want. It looks published, I suppose, when it's formatted like that, but it's not. I posted a few things there once, but haven't for almost a year now.
Anyway, I'll be the first to critique, I guess.
The second sentence was the first thing that tripped me up. "In the days of when" just doesn't flow. The third sentence sounds redundant with all the times you repeat the word "empire".
The first sentence of the second paragraph has some comma errors and passive voice (e.g. I think it should read "...when this empire, Arcadia, first began its conquest." Unless it's important to the story, I would not mention that it was named that thousands of years ago. Plus, "...which was named thousands of years ago Arcadia..." is an awkward way to word that. It doesn't flow well.
The following sentences have more comma errors. I suggest you look up comma usages.
As for whether or not I would continue reading, right now I would have to say that I would not because I just wasn't hooked. The MC is just describing things--himself mostly. There's no conflict, no hint as to what the plot might be. It just didn't keep me very interested.
posted
I suspect a legitimate publishing house would certainly consider the story published, from the standpoint of electronic rights. It would probably scuttle any discussion aimed toward publishing on paper. Too bad these freebie sites don't warn authors of the hazards of uploading their stories.
I would be interested in hearing the author's goals of wanting a critique here? Having a stated intention in F&F is useful for us, because we then know what to focus on.
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Elan says "I suspect" but it isn't just her suspicion. It's a well established principle.
Now that I've opened my big mouth, I guess I should throw in my crit of the opening. It practically screams, "THIS STORY WILL BE COMPLETELY UNINTELLIGIBLE." That's not such a good thing.
posted
"Documentation" is not a fancy way of saying "document", it has a completely different meaning.
The voice comes over as almost unbearable pompous - "it's all about me, me, me" - and I would be very prone to distrust the narrator from the word go. This may be your intention, but I'm not convinced.
posted
Even though this is published, here are my thoughts:
The only part of this that caught my attention was the last line: "I shall begin with her marriage…”
I was so confused in the first paragraph that had it not been on Hatrack, I would have stopped. This long into the prologue and I don't know who the narrator is.
While I did click the link to see where the story was published, I didn't read it. Not a good sign.
Did you post this for critique? It seems you've gotten some critique, and some scolding for having a large swath of it posted somewhere else. I read part of your post, via the link, and would be glad to offer a critique, if that's what you are seeking.
IMO, what has happened here is that the critiques you have received have been overshadowed by the voices of criticism regarding it being posted elsewhere. Please let us know if you wish to have the 13 lines (edited down, I see) treated as a regular post in F and F.
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I wouldn't have bothered to comment on this fragment at all if the rest of the text hadn't been posted on the web. So, technically, it is impossible for my criticism of having self-published it to overshadow my criticism of the opening fragment. Actually, I withheld comment on this fragment at least twice before Elan's comment inspired me to lend amplification.
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posted
Well the link doesn't work anymore so He might have noticed this thread. I didn't even read anything till Kathleen cut it. (I usually don't with something long.
As for what is there it's written well enough, (besides a few nits that others can help you out better with.) but it doesn't seem to mean anything. Cut everything but the line 'I shall begin with her marriage' But personally I think you should cut that too and show us the marriage.
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