There should have been a sun. There has to be a sun, when you come out of underspace. When the probability wave collapses, it’s gravity that drives the wave function. So we had to be in a gravity well. But there was nothing on the screens. Just a million distant points of light.
“Ms Benet,” the captain said, crisp and clearly unhappy, “would you like to tell me where we are?”
I bit back the obvious, unhelpful reply and settled for the facts.
This is good. So good I googled "gravity well," and found a bunch of cool sites to bookmark and go back to later. Not only would I keep reading what you've wrote, I kept reading other stuff related to what you wrote. (I also learned how to spell Schwarzschild, even if I'll never be able to say it like Simon Prebble.)
The only suggestion I have is that you drop the last "the." As in, "...and settled for facts."
It looks good. I have a bit of a nit on the last couple of sentances in your first paragraph, those need to be one sentance and you need to change "just" to "except/but". Setting them up as independent statements allows them to directly contradict each other, which is not your intent.
Aside from that, I'd like a little more characterization of the captain. Not much, but a name would be nice. Or you could just capitalize "the Captain". I would also try seeing if putting the speaker first helps that line. It may not.
But overall, definitely interesting. I'd like to read more.
I disagree with Survivor that you should capitalize "Captain." In my opinion, a lower case "c" is appropriate for identifying the type of officer. An upper case "c" would be used for a specific officer. The first is a noun, the second is a title.
But I agree with Survivor that the opening is interesting.
I'm just a little bothered by the "million points of light" because it brings up memories of George Bush Sr... which is enough to take me out of the story just a wee bit. But I can manage to get over that...
Many thanks for the comments. Survivor; good point about the contradiction. Maybe "There was nothing on the screen; nothing but a million distant points of light."
And yes, I'm aware of the potential reference there... I may amend it for that reason.
On its way to HSO, wbriggs, Survivor, djvdakota and JesseD, as they specifically requested it. Novice, Elan, hoptoad; let me know if you actualy do want the whole thing (I only send it out to those who are absolutely explicit...).
A strong openning with a definite hook. It looks as though you have enough volunteers, but if you need another reader--send it my way. email@example.com
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I didn't volunteer to read as I'm sort of pressed for time right now, but if you don't mind waiting a while I would take a look at it. Send it to firstname.lastname@example.org
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