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[This is the opening of my idea that I've been toying with for 3 years now.] Chapter One - The Doctor It’s cold here. No matter where I go, even though the temperature is regulated, I can still feel the coldness of this place. No one else ever seems to notice, but the more I’m aware of how no one notices, the more I see that no one really notices anything at all. I’m beginning to worry that there maybe something wrong with the way that I’ve been thinking lately. I may have to schedule a check-up and get evaluated, but maybe not. We’ll see as the week progresses. For now, I’m off to work. After all, wrapping electronic devices is my calling. I’ll continue this entry when I return. –Donovan, April 3rd, 8:15 am
Posts: 16 | Registered: May 2006
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You'll typically get the best results if you preface your fragment with a little more information about the project and what you want. ie, "Here's the opening of the first volume of my 16-book epic SF series about evil robot monkeys. I'm looking for someone to read the whole series but even just reading the first chapter (3500 words) would be great." or "I just want to know if this opening is effective."
As far as the opening, consider establishing the setting instead of withholding that information. All I know is that it's indoors and cold, but I don't have the faintest idea whether it's Antarctica, Pluto, or North Dakota, and I'd have very different expectations of stories set in those locations.
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It's an interesting use of device...but maybe not so effective for the particular situation you're in. It seems like you're about to have a scene which will consist mostly of an extended interview, and will cover all of this information in greater detail.
If, on the other hand, you're going to tell this mostly in the form of "unstructured" journal entries, that might not be the best strategy for a multi-chapter work. A structured journal can be quite long without losing focus, but having an unstructured journal of any real length and coherency tends to ring false.
I don't dislike the way the text flows so far, though.
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Thank you all so much for your comments. Survivor, you're very correct about me describing it in greater detail shortly after this entry. I'm going to have two different point-of-views, one being first person limited in the form of his video journal, and the next is third person unlimited so you can know the thoughts and actions of everyone else. I kind of want the reader to have a better grip on what's happening to Donovan, the MC, than he does. Plus, no questions will go unanswered as the book progresses. Or atleast, that's the goal. I just hope I can think of all the questions that I need to be answering and then everything will turn out peachy. Another reason why your replies are greatly appreciated =].
Posts: 16 | Registered: May 2006
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I like the flow of this. My only complaint would be that, "After all, wrapping electronic devices is my calling..." represents an abrupt change of tone. Prior to that statement, the speaker has been a bit subdued, and the confessional tone indicated he was speaking in privacy. Then he switches to this conversational tone, as if the message isn't private at all, and the change seemed jarring to me.
Posts: 247 | Registered: Apr 2006
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Beth! Yes! I should've done that. Is it too late? This entry is the very beginning (minus the prologue) of my novel in progress, The Everlanders. It's a sience fiction piece about a man who lives in a world where creativity and difference have been extinguished and all that their lives are said to depend on is structure and discipline. A survival code was set in place and all Protestant and Catholic colonies follow it. This code has caused their societies to boom with production and capital, but it also is extremely inhumane. The common people really don't realize this though, because it's been the laws of the land for centuries making it impossible for them to know better (except what they can gather from the artifacts at every colony's massive museum). It controls the main aspects of everyone's life including marriage, parenthood, career, retirement, and even death. and the government sort of brainwashes the people telling them it's the only way to ensure human survival. People at this time are living in vast, elaborate bubble systems built and maintained by the people who occupy it. Therefore, there is never a need to populate a planet, just the space around it. The planet is only good for the resources the humans can dig out of it. Since Earth was destroyed, humanity hasn't settled on ground, with the goal never to again. It's a two book series. The plot thickens when they find another life sustaining planet similar to Earth, but extremely larger. The people in charge want to continue their routine of stripping out the bests parts of the planet and leaving it for waste, but there is a small band of rebels who think otherwise. I'm so sorry this is so long. I have this huge idea in my head and I want to explain exactly where I'm coming with this approach in hopes that maybe it could really be something one day. This is the only dream I've ever had, so once again, I thank you sincerely.
Posts: 16 | Registered: May 2006
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Slaggers always win, particularly when they have the numbers. That's, like, a fundamental law of nature.
Have you considered using a regular journal rather than a video journal? From a purely literary perspective, it wins in terms of versimilitude, simply because you can't include actual video journal entries in your text. Also, the concept of actually writing something has a peculiar power for most readers (part of why they are readers in the first place).
Anyway, a more generally pertinent question is how much of this you have written thus far.
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I was a little confused by the opening, not being sure of where the MC is or why he's there. I wonder if he would add the line about his job being his calling if he's making a log entry. What would be the point? Just a nit.
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I like this opener a lot. It has a more literary feel than I'd expect from typical SF. I expect that this protagonist is a little neurotic, though whether that's because he's imbalanced or because he 'gets' something that others don't is open for question.
Ditto to Novice's comment about "after all, wrapping electronic devices is my life".
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I did consider using a regular written journal instead of a video enhanced hi-tech thing, but one of the twists that I found absolutely necessary for this book is that the people have to be under constant surveillance, and therefore in everyone's journal there's an uplink to the main office building allowing those in charge to know everyone's personal thoughts. they have to make sure that they keep everyone's emotions and concerns in check (with a very mild sedative that relaxes the senses and emotions for a "simple state of induced normality.") and it really makes the plot thicken for Donovan as well.
The reason why I wanted to include the line about his job is to show a kind of friendliness to the machine. I want it to jar you, but not in the way that it has. He has no friends he can talk to, really, and he talks to his journal twice a day. It comes programmed with a female voice, making it softer and friendlier. Mainly, this guy is extremely lonely, but he doesn't really realize that that's what it is right now. His sarcasm is a defense against his lack of a job that can be taken seriously, and also against not being able to express his dislike for his chosen career to anyone but his journal because it just isn't done. Everyone's supposed to appreciate what they do to contribute to the community. There isn't supposed to be jealousy or drive to do more because in this life, you do what your parents do. Since he was a male, he had to take after his father who works in the electronics store. Right now he's basically just learning what to do and he regrets it because he knows he's capable of something more.
[This message has been edited by PennyLane (edited June 01, 2006).]
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Very interesting. One thing: I would not use this for the first chapter. It's kind of subdued, even if it is well written and has less potential for capturing attention than "real action" i.e. something that is really happening instead of the inner musings of a character, however interesting. That said if the diary plays an important role in the story you can work it in, as long as it doesn't become too invasive.
Posts: 507 | Registered: Jun 2006
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Geez, I love this website. You guys are all such awesome writers, thank you so much for your help^_^. I like your recommendation for opening with something with a bit more action, but I'm worried that I would be getting ahead of myself. The main action sequences don't happen until further in time. In fact, the titles of the chapters are named for the most action packed moments during each section. The first chapter is titled The Doctor because when he goes and sees his psychologist about his growing curiosity problem, he gets strapped to a chair and is given a huge shot that makes his entire body shake until he passes out, then he proceeds to wake up in his apartment with no recollection of even going to the doctor or having doubts about his sanity. Should I open up with that scene and then try to fill in the details that currently precede it? Do you think that may lure people to read further? This question is probably going to sound incredibly lame, but honostly, do you guys think I have anything here? I mean, obviously this idea is really really important to me, but if people won't read it I shouldn't write it, and my faith in my writing abilities is somewhat lacking, specially after reading so many brilliant pieces featured here. Once again, thank you all so much Posts: 16 | Registered: May 2006
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