She looked down but his brows folded as he realized he was angry at her. He leaned in the door and shifted his load of papers and dictionaries to one arm so he could wag a finger at her. “You, I don’t like this. Not at all. I teach a class, and then you must come see me in my office.” He paused just long enough to ascertain that she wasn’t raising any objections and strode away.

How had things reached this point? At the beginning of 101 when

<edited to fit 13 line rule. --2nd asst.>

[This message has been edited by pooka (edited June 12, 2006).]

This worries me as an editor because it calls into question your eye for a story. What's supposed to be compelling here?

The exoticism of a Middle East Center, Arabic names or the matronymic?

Here is the deal, if the plot is really good, none of this will matter. The last two sentences offer some hope, but I don't know.

Then again, I'm one of those guys who likes to be told what's going on so that I can understand it, and you are showing me, which, according to most people who talk about fiction, you are supposed to do.

You say she's using the "Middle East Center" computer lab. Uh... can you define this location better? If you are going to mention "Middle East" you'd better clarify for us if she is in Saudi Arabia, or in New York in a college lab that offers study curriculum about the middle east.

I am confused with the phrase: "collecting her next sentence." What the heck is that supposed to mean? I can't even make a good guess. Sentences aren't things to collect, like coins. Do you mean she's translating a sentence? Be more clear, and more graphic.

Don't use a generic pronoun like "he" when introducing a character. Mentioning she had cut Dr. Muamar's class is not sufficient for a lead in. This "he" could be a myriad of other people... a fellow student, a janitor, a different teacher. Dont' be shy about using character names; it saves the reader much confusion.

Saying "he" appeard in the stream of faces thronging through the hall..." This imagery is confusing to me. Is she STANDING in the hall? But you said she was in the lab? And staring at the door? Maybe mention the people are passing by the open door. The way you have it phrased, it seems to conflict with your establishment of her location as being inside a lab.

"His brows folded..." Brows don't fold. They furrow.

The way you phrased "I teach a class, and then you must come see me in my office," is structured oddly. Is there some reason you aren't using proper grammar? Let me guess: if you are trying to convey an accent, it's not coming through clearly.

My 2 cents.

I know, we'll give more leeway on a novel. Still, I would like to know something other than that Franc's skipping class. Is the reason interesting, maybe?

Suggest you pick an identifiably female name for MC, unless there's good reason.

Suggest "when he appeared" become "when Dr. Muamar appeared." This, plus the woman being named Franc, had me puzzling for a moment over who did what in that sentence.

[Note: I was trying to follow the first-13 rule, and didn't read the last paragraph. That may have cleared things up . . . but what I said still applies, IMHO, for the first two.]

The first sentence in the second paragraph has a weird POV shift. "She looked down...he realized."

"It was foolish to use the tiny Middle East Center computer lab after cutting Dr. Muamar’s class that morning."

"after cutting Dr. Muamar's class that morning," confuses more than it clarifies. And that's big deal, considering it's the first sentence of the piece, for a few reasons. What was foolish about it? The cutting, the fact that it was Muamar's class, or that it was a morning class. Why is the word "tiny" there to describe the computer lab? And starting a piece with such a passively constructed sentence is dangerous business. And just saying something is foolish is telling and not showing.

Here is what I want. I want to know what the protagonist feared. I stead of saying that it was foolish, give me the effects of her fear, was she looking constantly looking at the door, is she ever concerned about Dr.'s approval. Here is how I would change it, "Franc wanted Dr. Muamar's approval more than the peace of heaven, even as she cut the Dr's morning class and secreted into the computer lab."

P.S. I guess an important element of this is that finishing the degree is a critical step in proving her "sanity" and Dr. M has the power and apparently the will to screw that up for her. How to make it all fit, or which part to focus on.