posted
Hello everyone, I am working on what is called a Mecha novela (200 to 300 pages) series, with the goal over a large period of time tell a highly politicial story in a very neo modern setting. I am looking if anyone will be interested in being my 'advice givers' or 'editors', as in I would occasionly send you pages/chapters and you will comment on them.
With that said, here is the first paragraph of my novel.
quote:It was February Seventeenth, and the year After Colony 075. Thousands of miles beneath the Pacific Ocean, one of Advent’s great submarines, mobile battle fronts, and platforms of Mobile Suits operations, the Colčre de Sept, sped above the expansive miles of undersea mountains and caverns. The Captain of the fine vessel, Anthony Teratova, sat in the submarine’s cafeteria, sipping quietly on some chicken soup the chef had prepared especially for him everyday ever since he became Captain.
posted
I don't know the Mecha series, but in any series, IMHO, each self-contained story should provide entry for readers who aren't familiar with the story.
I don't understand these terms: After Colony 075, Advent, Mobile Suit, Colere de Sept. (I can figure out After Colony 075, but the rest I don't know.) I also don't know why the submarine is on its mission.
I just reread and figured out the Colere de Sept is the sub. The sentence is overpacked, I think. "the Colore de Sept, an Advent submarine" might be enough.
Captain is only capitalized, I think, when you're referring to it as part of someone's name. "Captain Smith made captain last year, and still wasn't used to being called 'captain.'"
I think the first sentence would be "It was February 17 *of* the year..."
posted
I was planning on telling most of the background information in the first chapter, one piece at a time, through conversations or narration, but I understand you're point.
Posts: 20 | Registered: May 2006
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posted
Do you intend to begin with some sort of prologue? Perhaps not, if it is only going to be 300 pages or so, and not a 'doorstopper tome'..
And yes, admittedly, I believe that your intro here is a bit too infodumpy. A lot of world vernacular that I feel I need some sort of primer to decode somehow. I'll look at it again, and suggest changes perhaps, if you think that would be kosher...indeed, I believe its refreshing to be able to actually critique a piece that's so obviously ensconced in what I call 'graytech'. Lots of mechanism and machinery. It seems a lot of sf shorts and novels I've been coming across nowadays tend to shy away from graytech, although I'm to understand the Space Opera is slowly being revitalized as a form. Not to label what you're doing here as Space Opera, you understand...
posted
I have an idea...pull a Tom Clancy, for starters, and put your date/time/place info in a bold header.
.......
17 FEBRUARY, AFTER COLONY YEAR 075 PACIFIC OCEAN, GRID SQUARE 45N:78E
Captain Anthony Teratova, Fifth Mecha Wing, sat in the cafeteria of the submarine Colčre de Sept, sipping chicken soup especially prepared for him by the chef, Koris...
Just a serving suggestion, I couldn't resist. But as I see it, if we were sitting together side by side, discussing this piece, it'd be hard for me to guide you through to what I saw in it without suggesting you move in a direction like this...
[This message has been edited by Nietge (edited June 13, 2006).]
quote: have an idea...pull a Tom Clancy, for starters, and put your date/time/place info in a bold header.
.......
17 FEBRUARY, AFTER COLONY YEAR 075 PACIFIC OCEAN, GRID SQUARE 45N:78E
Captain Anthony Teratova, Fifth Mecha Wing, sat in the cafeteria of the submarine Colčre de Sept, sipping chicken soup especially prepared for him by the chef, Koris...
Just a serving suggestion, I couldn't resist. But as I see it, if we were sitting together side by side, discussing this piece, it'd be hard for me to guide you through to what I saw in it without suggesting you move in a direction like this...
The only problem I have with that is that it would recquire a lot of military technical knowledge on my part, which I do NOT possess. It's probably worth a try, though...
posted
I agree with the previous comments. I don't need quite as much technical info right off the bat. You could get right to the captain (do subs really have cafeterias? That would be a fancy sub) and introduce the other info along the way, as we get to know the character better.
One quick comment: You say "Thousands of miles beneath the Pacific Ocean", but the deepest part of the Pacific is only about 7 miles deep. The diameter of the earth is only about 8,000 miles at the equator, so either you meant thousands of meters, or you're on a massively huge planet, which also happens to have a Pacific Ocean.
posted
Okay what would be a good replacement for 'cafetaria' and 'thousands of miles beneath the Pacific Ocean?'
Posts: 20 | Registered: May 2006
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posted
The cafeteria would probably be called the galley, (but I'm not completely familair with nautical terms.) If you are writing about the military you should probably do some research into it. that should also give you how deep a sub may go in the Pacific Ocean. Though I suppose if you were in the medeterainian then you'd be thousands of miles below the Pacific, as well as upsideown.
Posts: 1895 | Registered: Mar 2004
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posted
Tom Clancy's Hunt For Red October didn't really scare peeps off, IMHO. The research won't be that bad, for your story, I don't think. Ironically enough, the better researched it is, the seamless it will be. You have to think about knowledgable readers...if a person writing about Paris, sets his action on Rue Napoleon in the West Bank, he'll look stupid when readers pelt him with angry emails, informing him that Rue Napoleon in fact runs by the Louvre. Of course, you may not think this applies, since you're world's entirely fictional, but in Mecha I'm sure there's rules of style and tech usage, written or unwritten, that are generally followed in that sub-subgenre. When you write, you have to keep the entire spectrum of your audience in mind...not only unwashed n00bs, but the hardcore vets as well that have been reading Mecha for eons and will call you on the carpet for unofficial gaffes and violations of style/protocol/what-have-you. You can seamlessly heinlein in the tech verbiage without too much infodumping. And you have to be logically consistent....for example, if ApocalypseDroid fires an antimatter smartpod at a passing scramjet, and you claim that the pod contains 33 grams of antihydrogen, then you better be sure that you describe the resulting explosion and its effects with plausible accuracy, else you'll lose credibility with your knowledgable readers. If the smartpod is fired at a velocity better than Mach 10, there better be a sonic boom, and it better not take 13 minutes to reach a target that's only a soccer field away. Your sub is underwater, so you'll need to mention issues of visibility...you wont be able to visually make out another submerged sub that's 500km away without some sort of radar or sonar. If a MechDroid can exceed the speed of light, you *damn* well better at least mention how he pulls that off, using wormholes, some variant of warp drive, or even self-converting into a cloud of tachyons, or if you really want to go extrapolationally rubber-scientific, use non-local quantum teleportation, perhaps. Just as a few examples. When writing about such stuff, rarely will you be able to get away with writing off the top of your head without at least Googling terms here and there. Even if it's only geography..if you say your sub can reach Tibet from the South Pacific, you're definitely in trouble, since Tibet's a landlocked area and there's no way your sub can make it there, unless it flies in air over long distances, or is somehow able to laser-tunnel its way in.
Posts: 103 | Registered: Jun 2006
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posted
I'd be willing to be a "naive reader" for the rest of your manuscript. I can hardly help with the Mecha stuff but I can tell you how it sounds to me. I agree with the rest. There's quite an infodump in those first lines but I don't think you have to lighten them up that much. It's ok to throw in some sci-fi words if you explain them immediately on the next paragraph/s. I'd keep on reading.
Posts: 507 | Registered: Jun 2006
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posted
I am actually considering putting in a timeline that I made for myself at the beggining, as in before Chapter One. Now, would you suggest that as being a good idea?
Posts: 20 | Registered: May 2006
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I am not sure you want the time line before your story starts unless it only covers past events. Even then, the readers will have no way to associate it with anything. Mercedes Lackey didn't start including her time line in the Black Griffen series until the second or third book.
If the passage of time is important to you, then you may want to pull a "Clancy." (If we keep this up, is Tom Clancey's name going to reach the same status as "Miranda?" Sorry the lawyer in me made me say it.) In my story, time is particularly important so I do start both sections of the prologue and the first chapter with time references. Something to consider.
The use of "cafeteria" threw me. I would have stopped reading right there. A ship has a galley. You don't have to be overly technical but the technical terms you use have to be right if the item (like a submarine) is part of everyday life.
IMHO, don't spent the first 13 listing the pedigree for the sub. Tell me about the captain.
(Edit)
Oh yes. A 200-300 page story isn't a novella. It's a novel.
[This message has been edited by kings_falcon (edited June 14, 2006).]
posted
I fixed the cafetraia term, it is now the galley. I really should find a site that has all of these terms...
EDIT: I thought the defination of a novel was anything 350+. Obviously, my defination is wrong, but my goal is the same: a series of Mecha novelas. They'll just be of different length than previous.
EDIT 2: What is an acceptable way to show a change of location? I usually do a centered * * * * * for change of time beyond 5 minutes. I was thinking of doing a quadruaple line space, but I am beggining to wonder if that is going to be more widely seen as a way to get more pages for less words than a sign of a scene change. What do you guys think?
[This message has been edited by Doublehex (edited June 14, 2006).]
[This message has been edited by Doublehex (edited June 14, 2006).]
posted
The row of stars (or a centered '#') is the correct choice for all scene breaks, whether due to change of time, location, or POV. Don't put in any quadruple spaces.
Posts: 932 | Registered: Jul 2001
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posted
You can know what your talking about without getting too technical. If your writing about a farmer you need to read up on farms, if your writing about a Sub captain you need to read up on the navy.
Posts: 1895 | Registered: Mar 2004
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posted
@ Pyre Desitiny: Here's the thing: the novel isn't about a Submarine. It's no Red October. It's really about a teenage mercenary/soldier of Argent named Matthew Camien, who is quoted by the Third Captain (or third in command) of the submarine as a 'soldier among soldiers', and he isn't referring to his knowledge on the battlefield, which is quite superb. Matt is the type of guy that needs to be ordered - he won't do anything without being ordered from a higher up. He only eats or sleep because he needs to survive and continually to serve Argent, not that he wants to. In his free time he reads tactical manuals on how to better pilot his mech. Everything that he does is military related. He dosen't know how to be a civillian. So, by the end of Chapter One, Matt is in the shoes of a civillian, and a great deal of Matt's character development is of how he learns to not be a machine, but an actual guy!
@ Sara Genge: Do you have an IM?
[This message has been edited by Doublehex (edited June 15, 2006).]
posted
Doublehex, if you can wait until mid-July (I have a trial July 10-12) I can start looking at it then. If the Captain isn't your MC why are you starting with him? I'm not saying it is a bad place to start because I clearly don't know enough about what is going on to suggest that. I'm just curious. Posts: 1210 | Registered: Feb 2006
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posted
I just thought it was a good place to start. Plenty of novels that I have read do not start with the MC.
Posts: 20 | Registered: May 2006
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posted
I'm sorry to keep pressing this Doublehex, but I wonder how you plan to write a story about a dyed in the wool soldier if you don't know about the military? I'm not saying you have to write a technichal dissertation on military life, but the old addage write what you know is true. (if you don't know then you can find out) You need to know what that third in command is called. (which I don't think that he would be third captain, possibly excellence officer or dive officer.) (I think that's a great way to introduce him, by the way, since he starts out without much of a self-image.)
Don't be afraid to do research. If this doesn't sink in you are going to anger some military types, which are the ones who read these stories.
Head...Captain 2nd in command...Executive Officer, or XO, or Vice Captain 3rd...Adjutant, or also oftentimes is the highest ranking non-commisioned officer, 'Chief of the Boat' on a Navy sub (traditionally), or Senior Petty Officer, Senior CPO, Chief Noncomm..another interesting nickname given to the highest ranking noncomm of my own unit was Top, an endearment given to a company 1st sargeant (I served in the Army during Desert Storm era). So everything was Yes, Top; No, Top; Right squared away, first to fire and mighty fine, Top <<damn, I'm getting serious shellshock kertwangings from memory flashbacks here>>. On a sub, oftentimes the Captain will consult with the Senior Noncomm about as much as the XO. The Captain often consults with XO to take 'readings' on the crew and discuss matters of command, whereas the Captain works with Senior Noncomm more on grunt stuff, duty rosters, maintenance schedules, etc. The dynamics in play amongst these three individuals are sometimes pretty complex. Or, if you want, you can just call them Captain, XO, and 'Third'. On my ship in my novel, typically positions are just numbered, but they also go by nicknames to avoid confusion. But admittedly it's a tiny crew of four peeps, so...[[whoops, just remembered that OSC incorporates a 'Third' in Ender's stuffums]]
I definitely suggest skimming over some Clancy (conventional military fiction) or even David Weber, for military SF. Clancy was so knowledgeable that the Pentagon even hired him on as a consultant.
[This message has been edited by Nietge (edited June 17, 2006).]
posted
have you ever read the battlemech series(sp), its along the lines of what your trying to do as well i belive, take a look at it, may give you some great ideas and direction.
Posts: 3 | Registered: May 2006
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