posted
22,000 word short story, soft sci fi. It's been sitting on my hardrive for about four years because I didn't know if there was a market for this length of piece. I could cut out a subplot, but thats like picking out a man's child for slaughter.
The Assembly was independent from space and unbound by time. Thoughts spoke from pseudonyms while the brightest minds of my age debated. Some of the talks were trivial; other arguments were so heated that to survive the extraordinary exchange of ideas, Assemblymen took refuge in the real world, a vacation from their vacation.
Elijah Riley US Poet-Laureate Assemblyman Emeritus
Gareth’s father, Lt. Colonel Leroy Jacobs, was an optimistic and aggressive clergyman.
[This message has been edited by Tanglier (edited June 16, 2006).]
posted
I would probably have an easier time deciphering your first sentence if it read something like:
The Assembly was unbound by space and time.
That might be cliched, though. I don't know.
Thoughts spoke from pseudonyms
I like the concept, but it took me a minute to grasp, maybe the wording is awkward?
while the brightest minds of my age debated.
debated what? And is there a way to say that without using 'brightest minds of my age'?
Some of the talks were trivial; other arguments were so heated that to survive the extraordinary exchange of ideas, Assemblymen took refuge in the real world,
I like this sentence, except:
a vacation from their vacation.
The reason I might not keep reading is laziness. I might decide not to make the effort. Also, I'm not grabbed by a character, and either situations or characters are usually what gets me to keep reading.
posted
You are right, how about, "The brightest minds of my age debated through psuedonyms.
or
"The brightest minds of my age debated, children dressed in psuedonyms issued severe opinions on the matters of the day."
The excerpt is supposed to be from a speech by the current poet-laureate so it should have a bit of flourish to it, but it's also beginning the story so I need it intelligible.
__________
I got the line from the beginning for the famous Ginsburg poem Howl: "I saw the best minds of my generation destroyed by madness"
[This message has been edited by Tanglier (edited June 16, 2006).]
posted
"The bright minds of my age debated, children dressed in psuedonyms issued severe opinions on the matters of the day."
Maybe with a period or a 'while' between debated and children. I like the phrase 'children dressed in psuedonyms' but for some reason I'm not taken with 'minds of my age' bright or otherwise. But it might be a phrase I wouldn't trip over, if I wasn't looking for things to notice.
posted
Okay, let's see. I think that you need to show us the first 13 lines of story. This is a quote from your world, but it tells me so little almost nothing of where I'm headed - and who I'm going to tag along with. It's really hard to comment on something like this.
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posted
I second Pix. Post again, but this time post the first 13 of the real story and not the other.
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posted
The names felt very 19th century, but the concept of the Assembly appears to be some virtual reality, implying a future setting.
This tended to detach me from what you were saying. And I'd second pix and mike; an introductory quote isn't a story, and unless it's a really important introductory quote, it's not where the story begins.
posted
Overall, actually, I liked this piece, and have nothing to really proffer in the way of critique except nits. I liked 'pseudonym', 'US Poet-Laureate', and the idea of taking a vacation from a vacation. You have good turns of phrase, I think. The only thing I'd point out is maybe...you have a Lt. Colonel for a clergyman? A clergyman or minister in a military org is typically a chaplain, but you may have other ideas; I don't have peephole-access to your worldbuilding.
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It's the Salvation Army, that's why he is a clergyman with a rank. ____
To the rest, I figure that since it's the the first thirteen lines that anybody who flipped open the book would read, it would be considered the first thirteen lines of the story, but here is the next paragraph:
quote:Gareth’s father, Lt. Colonel Leroy Jacobs, was an optimistic and aggressive clergyman. He introduced Gareth to addiction when Gareth was nine years-old. Addiction was pile of bones named Amy, with blotchy, mix-matched skin stretched jaggedly over her joints. As Amy’s methamphetamine-charged nervous system commanded her ticking limbs and fingers, the Lt. Colonel saw hope in her sunken eyes and scratched arms, scrapes that would heal with antiseptic and faith in the Lord. He knew that not every patient would replace the numbing effects of hooch or heroine with the love of Jesus Christ, but he thought that all patients at the Salvation Army Rehabilitation Clinic, especially the teenagers, should.
[This message has been edited by Tanglier (edited June 17, 2006).]
"The Assembly was independent from space and unbound by time." "Unboun" is clumsy. It is a synonym of "independant" so if you don't have a good reason not too, you can turn those two phrases into one: "The Assembly was independant from space and time. Or, better yet, think of a great modifier that only time can have and everyone will love you for using two phrases. "Independant" is also a heavy modifier: what about "free"?
"Thoughts spoke from pseudonyms while the brightest minds of my age debated." I imagine you're trying for poetry, but "brightest minds" is the logical subject of that sentence. "The brightest minds of my age debated behind pseudonyms" It's still an unwieldy phrase, just an idea.
After "Some of the talks were trivial" I think you need a full stop.
Next phrase: "Other arguments were so heated (coma here) that to survive the extraordinary exchange of ideas, Assemblymen took refuge in the real world, a vacation from their vacation." Cut "extraordinary". It's pretty empty as far as modifiers go.
As for content: interesting premise, nice header for a chapter. I think a 22000 word story isn't a "short story". It's a novella or novellette (don't know the difference between those two) Nice voice. Keep it up.
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